Molehills to Mountains

Minor pet peeves can get bigger if an individual does not honor his or her emotions.  If one does not create a boundary for him herself, then things can go south pretty fast.  It is always that one person who disrespects another individual in small ways that add up over time.  This person in my life is my roommate.

The relationship as a whole is not too terrible.  I found it rather annoying that she laughed at me when I said that I wanted a new dresser for Christmas this past year.  Both she and I were not doing that well financially last year.  Even with this fact, I did not appreciate the laughter.  I should have said something in the car when this competition conversation transpired, but I did not want to start an argument over it.  Being positive can be difficult sometimes due to my roommates negativity.  Sometimes I absorb her negative thinking and believe that it is my own.   I was worried about doing my taxes while living under the table in a different place than what is on my legal documents.  The thing that I did not realize at the time is that my roommate prefers the apartment to look as if no one else lives there but her and so that line of thinking entered my head while trying to get my taxes done for the current year.  I still have ways to go in deflecting the negativity of others.

My roommate is always in a rush to get somewhere.  I question where she is trying to get half the time because I do not understand the reaeon behind it.  She would drive me somewhere, and then rush me to get out of the car.  It is only a few minutes more, so I don't understand what the big deal is really about.   You always have more time. Time does not go anywhere   My roommate seems like she has a split personality.  She can be so gentle at times, and then gets caught up in anger.  It is rather weird.

Maybe I try too hard to look past an individual's fault in order to see his or her more positive traits.  I should call her out on things when they happen and stick up for myself more often instead of letting things slide.  The truth of the matter is that the relationship does not work.  it never has.  My roommate let me stay at her place due to a foreclosure on my father's house.   It is time for me to move on and say goodbye.  There's no point in trying to prolong my stay.  We are in two different worlds trying to occupy the same space, but it is not working any longer.  Letting go can be difficult, but it is a necessary evil when it comes to moving forward in one's life.  I accept that this aspect no longer works, and I want to embrace the new coming into my life.

The Fear that Lurks Deep Within

The first time I felt the need to leave my job was when I was kicked off on storm duty in January 2016.  My supervisor said that I was too sluggish getting inside the building when there was thirty inches of snow on the ground.  She also indicated that I was holding up other people from starting work on time because they needed to help me get inside.  I got put up in a hotel, and the company almost made me pay for it.  After I returned to work, I started getting sick left and right.  I had Pharyngitis, and I was diagnosed with adult allergies.  My supervisor kept telling me to go home a lot.  When I eventually caved in, I got hit with a warning for taking too many sick days.  mMy father eventually passed away and I could not find adequate transportation back to work.  I got on short term disability, and I was told that my leave could last up to a year by the HR supervisor.  The head nurse Sallie Dicus kept pushing me to go for  long term disability even after I told her that no doctor would sign for it.  I saw a psychiatrist, and he stated that he would need to see me for a few months before he would sign anything.

My whole problem was the company I worked for would not make any good accommodations to help me continue with employment.  The company was perfectly capable of turning me into a mobile representative.  Due to a specific rule that says a rep needs to have all three skill levels to become mobile is ridiculous.  I had high marks on all my call reviews and was exceeding expectations.  The company should have met me halfway, but policy was policy and nothing could be done.

I'm grateful for the experience because it taught me how to stand up for myself.  I now know how to make quick and important decisions because of everything that transpired.  I have learned to take my power back.  This whole incident created my fear of working in corporations as a whole, but the only reason the fear existed was because I was too afraid to go to extremes to better my life. 

To add insult to injury,  I have taken a shadow job instead of going for the one that I really want.  The job that I have taken has a lot of similarities to the job that I really desire, but it's just not as good.  I had the idea that if I took one job that I could not have the other one.  However, I can always leave a job for the real one at any point.  I fear being locked into a contract, and not being able to escape.  The thing I need to understand is that I and always a free agent.  No one owns me whatsoever.  I can pick and choose how I run my life.  If a few bridges burn, then so be it.   There are plenty more bridges to be crossed. 

The Willingness to Change Leads to truth

Going through a spiritual ascension can be a rather difficult period in one’s life.  The individual’s beliefs start to change.  All of the friends a person had seem to drop off the planet for no reason.  The individual cannot seem to figure out the next step to take in his or her life.  Cold symptoms as well as hot flashes start appearing on a regular basis.  The sicknesses never escalate into anything serious. 

I started going through a spiritual ascension around two weeks ago.  The symptoms I was feeling mimicked the dental issues that I had back in the winter of 2016.  I thought some more teeth were infected in my mouth.  The right side of my face hurt quite a lot.  This issue calmed down six days later.  I then started feel small burning sensation in my legs, feet, and lower back.  The back of my head also felt like this as well.  They feel like hot poker burns.  This type of inflammation feels hot temperature wise.  The inflammation comes and goes spontaneously. 

I have been going through some serious fatigue.  I do not feel like doing anything a lot of the time.  Going to the bathroom has also changed as well.  My body tends to want to release fecal matter a little at time in chunks that are less solid than usual.  My body also does not feel as heavy even after eating foods such as lasagna or pizza. 

All of the symptoms are probably just indicators of something much bigger that will happen to me.  I am not talking about moving from one place to another or getting a new job.  Something else will happen that will tie everything together.  Whether this is something big in itself or something small that will be used to propel me forward to where I am supposed to go.  The solution to all of my issues is not going to be something easy.  I am going to have to take a huge leap if I want live my life my way.  No one else is going to be able to help me do it.  Most people do not bother taking their own power back.  I am trying to break free from the “daily grind” and live a life worth living.  I can only rely on myself to reach this goal.  There might be others here and there that might help me do specific things, but the rest is up to me. 

A spiritual ascension will push individual to his or limits.  It is going to strip away everything that is false about the individual with only the core exposed.  A spiritual ascension is where one’s authentic self truly starts to come into its own.  An individual can try to go back to what he or she did before, but it will not last.  The old way of living will collapse in on itself and take the person along with it.  One can either choose to follow his or her heart willingly, or the universe will use circumstances to force the individual to change.  Everyone has the will to decide to live up to their own truth or choose to hide away for the rest of their lives.  I am trying to change willingly.  I still have my bad habits, but I am still trying to push forward anyway.  I look forward to making the most of this energetic change that I am going through.  The changes that a spiritual ascension brings do seem scary from time to time, but they are most likely necessarily for an individual to achieve his or her desired goal.   

The Challenge that is Forgiveness

Everyone goes through tough situations in their lives.  During these trying times, a person can be in a relationship with someone else that is not fulfilling whatsoever.  The relationship continues to exist because both parties feel that they need one another for a specific reason.  Neither party will realize that he or she could have existed without the other until a major event drives them apart.  I had this type of relationship with my father.

The relationship my father and I shared was based mostly around material goods.  I have a condition known as Cerebral Palsy.  This makes it difficult for me to traverse any kind of incline.  At the time, I thought I was unable to obtain my own place.  I worked ten to twelve hours a day at my call center job.  I remained ignorant to every other aspect of my life.  I did not really notice my father’s health like I should have.  I was too busy trying to climb the corporate ladder to really focus on my father’s health.  He took thirteen pills twice a day.  Most of the pills were for difficulties with the heart.  My father had quadruple bypass surgery in May of 2004.  He wanted to get fried chicken his first day home from the hospital.

I did not do a lot at home.  The house was always a mess because my father never put anything away.  I was too drained from arguing with people about their bills to even give a crap.  I did clean my father’s messes up quite a few times, but then I got tired of it.  He used to yell at me for taking out the trash because it was “easier” for him to do it.  The only problem is that my father never did it.  The trash bins would overflow, and he would let everything sit.

My father became a bump on a log outside of driving me back and forth to work every day.  He would just sit on the couch and watch TV without moving.  His fingers on one hand had turned brown due to lack of bathing.  I told him to go wash his hands while we were at a local diner.  He dunked his hands in a cup of water a couple times and said “there, I washed my hands.”  My father then laughed about as if it was funny that he was so disgusting.  I wanted to punch my father in face so bad that day.  I could not take it anymore.  He had not taken a shower in months.  I am surprised my father made it as long as he did.  If that were me, I would have died a long time ago. 

 The day before my father went to the hospital, I told him that it was his choice whether or not he wanted to live or die.  He went to his primary doctor the next day, and the doctor told him to go to the hospital.  I got out of work around 5:30 P.M.  I waited for an hour for my father to pick me up.  I eventually decided to take a taxi home.  When I got to the house, I did not see the HHR in the driveway.  I did not know what had happened.  I waited around for a few hours until it got dark.  I called my supervisor on the phone, and he told me to call the police.  The police came and took down all the information for my father.  They even went to the local diner to look for him.  The police did not get anywhere and decided to call around to local hospitals.  My father was found at Northwest Hospital in Randallstown.  It turned out that he told the head nurse not to tell anyone where he was located.   This kind of thinking made no sense.

After my father passed away, I found out that he canceled his death benefits with Verizon.  In other words, there was no money to pay off the loans that my father borrowed against the house after the original mortgage was all squared away.  Who would actually do that though?  Why couldn’t my father just tell me that he did not have the money to send me to college?  I could have studied philosophy on my own if I was still interested in the subject matter.  I knew that there were loans against the house, but I did not realize that the benefits policy was canceled.  My father and I got into a fight one time, and he threatened to cancel out the policy, but I never thought anyone would be dumb enough to actually do it.

It has been almost ten months since my father went to the hospital. I will never understand why my father could not trust me enough to tell me the truth.  Then again, it is not as if I made a serious effort to know certain things when he was alive.  I was too absorbed the hive mindset from my job to even think about my own personal needs let alone someone else’s.  I work on letting the past go every day.  Some days are more difficult than others.  I will eventually forgive my father completely.  I will also never forget the lessons I learned from the relationship that I had with him.      

         

A Helping Hand During Difficult Times

Life can sometimes throw people a curve ball that they do not see coming.  When this change occurs, everyone scrambles to put the pieces of their lives back together the way that they were before the change occurred.  The only problem with this is no one is supposed to go backwards in time.  Big changes happen in life that the individual can live more authentically than he or she has in the past.  Everyone is going to need advice on what to do during the transition from the old lifestyle to the new one.  Most people do not realize that they can receive guidance through numbers. 

The numbers 111, 222, and 333, are the most common numbers that people start seeing once they come to realization that there something beyond the physical realm exists.  There is usually a positive meaning associated with each of the numbers.  The number 111 can mean that one is synced up with the universe, or the individual is having are good ones.  He or she should explore those ideas further.  The number 222 can mean that one is living a balanced life.  This person is most likely cooperating well with others.  It can also indicate that an individual has a lot of faith in what in current events that are taking place.  The number 333 is associated higher spirits that might be surrounding the individual.  They could be sending love, encouragement, or new ideas.  Some claim that these higher spirits are angels. 

These numbers can also have a slightly different meaning than what has been stated above.  If an individual is falling away from the path that he or she is supposed to follow, these numbers can be seen as a warning to get back on track.  The number 111 can be a wakeup call to pay attention what is happening in one’s life.  The number 222 could indicate that one needs to have faith in the opportunities that are presenting themselves.  It could also mean that one needs to have more faith in him or herself.  The number 333 might be telling an individual try to balance the physical, mental, and spiritual areas of his or her life more effectively. 

Signs can come in any form.  They not have to be numerical at all.  A good way to see signs of what to do next is through every day conversations with other people.  One might disagree with the opinions of others, but pay attention to the topics that are discussed more than what positions the individuals hold.  These discussions will give a person an idea of where he or she should focus his or her attention to next. 

Everyone always has a helping hand available even when no one else is around to be of assistance from a physical standpoint.  All is that is required is for one to pay attention to his or her surroundings.  If one can look for meanings beyond his or her personal intentions, then bog transitions in life will not feel so terrible.  If an individual can stop forcing his or her agenda, then the right answer on how to proceed will eventually make itself known. 

Using your Talents to Shape the Life you Deserve

Changes in life sometimes come at a blink of an eye.   An individual is sitting at a dead end job thinking that life will not get any better one day only to wake up and figure out what he or she is supposed to be doing with him or herself the next.  One could become spiritual for what seems like no reason at all.  This happened to me, and I could not be happier with the changes that are occurring. 

I first got into helping others because I saw a lack of understanding through everyday conversations that I would have with others.  I noticed that the average Joe tends to mix up Cerebral Palsy and Multiple Sclerosis.  One is a disease while the other is a birth defect.  A disease impacts the body over time while the other impacts the body one time during birth.  In other words, a birth defect will cause a person’s body to degenerate over the course of his or her life.  There are different degrees as to how a birth defect affects the individual, but it will not worsen over time. 

I have had a disability for thirty one years.  I know all the ins and outs of Cerebral Palsy.  The major conclusion that I came to during a crossroads in my life is that a disability is actually a gift in disguise.  When one follows his or her passion, then the obstacles he or she faces begin to disappear.  In other words, once an individual engages in what he or she is meant to do, then negative situations become the exception instead of the rule.  Each person living on this planet is a teacher of some sort.  Everyone is an expert in something whether they believe it or not. 

The only reason why a disability is seen as just that is because of the way society is structured at the moment.  The majority of society sees those with disabilities as people who are disadvantaged who need to be brought up to speed with “everyone else.”  This is not the case at all.  Once the disabled as well as the rest of society takes their power back, then no one will need to be brought up to speed.  The disability that one has will then be transformed into a gift that can be used to help him or herself as well as others.  Once the gift is used for its proper purpose then all of the challenges surrounding it will vanish.  No one will need to receive assistance from the government.  Everyone will be in charge of themselves and live with everything they need in order to survive on a daily basis. 

The main issue that hold people back from achieving their dreams and a stable living environment is fear.  When an individual focuses on fear more than his or her creative pursuits, then that is when negative things start happening on a regular basis.  When people think of someone who works as an artist, they always put the word “starving” in front of the noun.  The fact of the matter is that the opposite is true.  When one focuses on what he or she was meant to do, material goods and financial stability start to appear out of the woodwork.  The consensus believes that a salary position in a company with a 401k is the best thing since sliced bread.  In actuality, what a salary position does is lock a person into receiving a minimal amount of pay for an amount of work that is most likely worth four or five times as much. 

I chose writing as way to share my knowledge with others.  I have always been one to go into detail about absolutely everything.  I would always tell everyone to explain the whole thing whenever they would bring a topic  up.  Instead of just posting comments online, I figured that I would actually try to use my gift to help express myself more effectively as well as inspire other people.  This is what my purpose is in this lifetime.  I am supposed to take the knowledge I have gained, and use it to assist others in bringing out their best qualities.  As long as I follow this path, then I will always have what I need in order to live a happy life.

Everyone is born with a gift that they must share with the rest of the world.  This gift will tie into the life purpose of each individual on the planet.  Once people start following their own path, their gifts will become more accessible than ever before.  Everyone will then live in abundance and the lack of what is required to function on a daily basis will not be an issue any longer.   

Fragile Ego

The ego can be a very illusive part of an individual.  People have a tendency to speak of another person’s ego in the arrogant sense of the word.  The particular individual thinks too highly of him or herself.  The ego can also lean towards the other extreme known as self-loathing.  This is when the particular individual thinks poorly of him or herself.  There is not a whole lot of discussion about people who take on the ego of others.

I was born with a condition known as Cerebral Palsy.  Because of this birth defect, my mother did not think I could do anything by myself.  I did not learn how to wipe my butt while going number two until the age of ten.  I basically saw myself the way my mother saw me.  I thought I could not do much of anything without any type of assistance.  My mother was always too afraid to let me do anything by myself, and I ended up absorbing this perception as my ego.  I did not start trying new things on my own until she passed away. 

My father valued both money and career.  He did not put much value in anything else besides those two things.  I ended up getting a job at my local utility company as a call center representative.  This company held the same values as my father.  I had to answer calls as fast as possible so that the statistics for the day would remain positive.  I ate unhealthy foods and stressed myself out when I failed to meet monthly quotas.  Once I started to have thoughts about doing others things besides working in a call center, I thought I was going insane, and I eventually sought out therapy.  The reason I had difficulty accepting my own thoughts was because I absorbed the perception of my father as well as the utility company. 

I am now starting to develop an authentic sense of self for the first time in my life.  I am quite a peaceful individual.  I do not worry about things nearly as much now that I have stopped trying to live up to other people’s expectations.  My main goal right now is to continue developing my own sense of self.  I am tired of absorbing the perceptions of others.  I want to have my own perception of who I am as a person .  I already know how everyone else sees me as well as the world.  Now it is time for me to ask how I see myself as well and the world. 

I guess the ego really is the most fragile aspect of a human being.  If the ego can change itself without much effort in order to fit in better with everyone else, then clearly the ego is supposed to be used to as a tool to fulfill of something higher than itself.  My ultimate task in this incarnation is to live a more soul centered existence.  As long as I follow my path, then I will not have a reason to absorb energies from anything else.      

Legally Female

(Please read "The Power in a Name" before reading this post.)

After getting my name changed in July of 2015, I thought it was time to get my other legal documents changed as well so that there would not be any confusion down the road.  Changing one’s name was a pretty simple process.  I hoped that altering documents such as my social security card and my birth certificate would not be too difficult. 

I got my social security card changed in the middle of August 2015.  Social Security only required the paper showing my legal name change and some basic information from my doctor in order to issue a new card.  The card came in the mail less than a week later.  I expected a longer wait time due to the fact that any federal organization takes forever to notify anyone about anything. 

The next big hurdle I faced regarding legal documentation happened in October 2015.  I went down to the Department of Vital Records to get the information on my birth certificate changed.  The department branch in Baltimore County is located inside of a shopping mall of all places.  My case was pretty cut and dry.  I forgot to get a letter from primary doctor stating that I had been on hormones for a year and a half.  I almost left the department without getting my gender marker changed.  I was lucky that I the representative who took my case went out on a limb and decided to call my doctor to confirm that I had been on hormone therapy for a year and a half.  I ended up paying fifty dollars for two copies of my birth certificate.

I was quite shocked at how easy it was to change all of my legal documents.  I have heard about horror stories in other states, but nothing seemed to be too terrible in the state of Maryland.  All I needed was paperwork showing that my name had been changed by the court, and that was it.  There were a lot of minor bureaucratic errors trying to reach the person in charge of changing the information on my documents, but those are going to exist no matter what the issue at hand may be.  All anyone can do is keep pushing forward regardless of what kind of obstacles get in the way.  Once one accepts the challenges that come with going through a gender transition, then everything else will eventually fall into place.  Winning is guaranteed as long as an individual’s outlook remains positive. 

Overview of My Experience Being Transgender

Being transgender can be quite a difficult thing to overcome.  Everything depends on the severity of dysphoria that is experience by an individual.  Things can get rather confusing when a person decides to make permanent changes to his or her life. 

Many people will hold onto doubts as they go through the process known as transition.  No one really knows how far he or she wants to go until well into transition itself.  I did not know I was transgender until about the age of sixteen or so.  I was happy wearing women’s clothes for a little while before my feelings really started to develop.  I remember staring at other girls in high school wondering why I wished I could be like them.  I was only into clothes, so why did I feel the need to be seen as a female in school.  I eventually started developing a female voice.  I decided to give up on this path in the mid-2000s because I was not sure I wanted to go through transition.  I then thought I could identify as genderless and be fine.  That did not last. 

I eventually began to feel worse and worse towards the beginning of the 2010s.  I decided to do something about my pain in May of 2011.  I started to develop a female sounding voice once more.  I stuck with it this time around.  I started hormones at the end of March in 2014.  I then started dressing as female, and got all of my documents changed during 2015.  I have not had any regrets regarding my decision to transition.  I have become a better person because I am living more authentically than I ever had before. 

I wish to share with the world my experiences being a transgender individual.  I hope to shed light on the details regarding transition.  I also want to give information on what it is like to live as a transgender individual after all the major changes have taken place. My journey has been full of surprises, and I would like to share the knowledge I have acquired throughout all my travels. 

Old Relationships Die Hard

Difficult times after a spiritual awakening will test one’s relationship with other people.  It will definitely make you rethink the people that you spend time with.  These people are not necessarily bad as a whole; they just have an indirect negative influence on an individual’s life.

A person such as this exists in my life in the form of a mother in law.  I am speaking of mother in law in the extended sense of the word.  She has been helping me find housing and inviting me to holiday gatherings after my father passed away.  It is great that my mother in law is trying to help me out during this trying time in my life, but her practicality is based around the life that I had before the spiritual awakening occurred.  A person cannot really explain a spiritual awakening to anther that has not gone through one him or herself.  Since there is nothing physically different with person that experienced this type of rebirth, it would be rather pointless trying to show another what changes have taken place. 

My mother in law tends to bring up my old job a lot of the time and always asks me when I am going to return to work.  I then have to put on an act and think of something on the spot about what troubles I am dealing with and when I could possibly go back.  Everyone needs to pay bills regardless of who they are.  I need some stable income right now to prove to renters that I can pay them for providing shelter.  The only catch is that if I get rattled over just spending a few hours with someone trying to back pedal to my old life, what is working my old job twelve hours a day going to feel like?  I feel like I have to choose which way I am going to be practical.  I can either value financial gain over the needs of my soul, or I can nourish my soul while ignoring the needs of my body.  The dilemma is difficult because no one else but me understands it.

When I got home from visiting my mother in law after Thanksgiving, I felt a lot anxiety after the event was over.  I felt the same anxiety after seeing a room for rent last night.  One could say that I need to face reality, but that would not be accurate.  The reality of this whole situation is that I am vastly different than I was before the spiritual awakening happened.  Since no one else understands what this means for me, then those who try to help out will gather resources that spring me back into my old life.  The room I saw last night was very similar to the home I am in now except the steps leading to the second floor.  This is also the problem.  If I choose to live in a place similar to what I already have, then I will just attract the same things from my pre-awakened life.  This time period should be about breaking my old ways and allowing room for something new come forward. 

When my issues are broken down to their smallest components, is it easy to see why I am having a hard time.  I do not have any relationships that are functioning on the post-awakened level.  All of my relationships still operate on a lower octave.  Once I start to form relationships with new people and attract new things into my life, then I will feel a lot better.  The episodes of anxiety that I am facing will no longer exist.                

Developing Faith in the Universe

Having faith that everything will work out in life is a very difficult thing to accomplish.  No one can ever tell what is going to happen one hundred percent of the time.  All anyone can do is use his or her best judgment regarding each situation and hope everything falls into place.  The universe helps people obtain what they truly desire even if they cannot see it quite yet. 

Earlier this year, I was under a lot of pressure from my job and my father.  I worked about forty eight to fifty five hours a week doing call center work.  My father’s health had been declining rapidly since the end of last year.  He always wanted me to take care of him in some way shape or form.  The only problem with my father is that he gave up on himself and would not try to improve his health one bit.  I became so overwhelmed that a few teeth were pulled out of my mouth because they were rotten.  I stopped eating healthy during the month of June because I was too tired to make myself something to eat after I got home from work every day.  Both of my stress inducers stopped being an issue once my father went to the hospital and eventually passed away. 

My world changed the instant my father’s death occurred.  I was completely independent.  I no longer had anyone telling what I should be doing or how it should be done.  I no longer had to meet any type of quota regarding arbitrary numbers that fluctuate day in and day out.  I felt what it was like to be truly free for the first time in my life. 

Now I am facing housing and monetary difficulties.  I tend to worry more than I should about the whole ordeal, but I am learning to have faith that everything will work out at the proper time.  I am taking the steps necessary to keep my mind in the present moment while only planning a few days in advance.  This helps ensure that I do not entertain negative thoughts about a future that probably will not come to fruition. 

I have learned to pay attention to the minor events taking place on a daily basis.  I had an appointment to see an apartment a week ago.  When I got out a car, I saw that the handicap ramped was blocked.  I had to walk about fifteen feet at the other end of the sidewalk to find another ramp.  I went up to the entrance of the leasing office and saw that it did not have a railing by the steps.  I tried entering the building through the maintenance department, but the office was closed.  Some other person pulled up to the side of the curb and starting yelling to someone else inside of the leasing office.  With all of these minor events taking place, I figured that this particular apartment complex would not suit my needs.  I called an Uber driver and left the premises. 

The death of my father as well as my trip to the apartment complex helped me develop faith in the universe.  I have to believe that everything will work out for the best even if I cannot see what the final outcome will be.  I have to give myself credit for creating the reality that I want to experience.  As long as I keep living authentically, then I can have faith that things will work out in my favor.