What Fear Really Means

When a person decides to engage in something, he or she usually does this based on how much fear is present within him or herself.  Everyone speaks of fear as if it is multifaceted in some way.  There is only one fear, but the human mind puts labels on what that one fear is for the individual.  No one is actually afraid of anything itself.  What people fear the most is the perceived lack of knowledge of how things will work out.

The human mind loves being guaranteed something.  The guarantee eases us into believing that we have knowledge of how a situation will work out.  No one actually fears lack of money, home, friends, or relationships.  What these fears are is actually just the feeling of not having the knowledge of how things will fall into place.  What actually leads to negative situation is when people try to control everything in their lives so that nothing bad happens.  The more that a person tries to make something happen a certain way, the harder it usually ends up being for him or her. 

I have been dealing with lack of knowledge issues myself in recent times.  My whole world changed completely in March of this year.  I got a new job working for Toyota Financial Services.  Three weeks after I landed this job, I scored a job interview in my desired city of Phoenix Arizona three weeks later.  I took my chances and flew out there for the interview.  I never had been to Phoenix before, but I have been doing a lot of research about the area because I plan to move there by the end of June.  Yes, I put my current job at risk in order to achieve something better.  It turns out that the job was not quite up to par with what I had been told over the phone.  I ended up not getting the job anyway.  I was not too crushed because deep inside I knew I was worth more.  Did fear pop up and make me wonder I was going to make my move happen since I did not have all the information?  Yes it did.  I will succumb to it from time to time.  All fear does is keep a person from moving forward.  The individual keeps beating to the same old drum, and he or she gets stuck in a loop.

I then had an opportunity to go to Maui for a mindset workshop.  Getting a plane ticket to Maui is not cheap on an income of $17 an hour, but I did it anyway.  The decision to take this trip was up in the air for a couple of days.  I wrestled with this decision for a lot of hours before deciding that I wanted to change my life once and for all.  I wavered back and forth on this decision because I feared the lack knowledge that of how things will turn out.  I still remain uncertain even now about how everything will be paid for as far the entire event is concerned, but all I can do is live an authentic life and have faith that something will pull through before everything takes place.  I invested all the resources I had into traveling and changing my life around for the better.  All I can really do at this point is let my investment work for me. 

Due to changing my priorities, I lost my position at Toyota Financial Services.  This made me doubt everything I invested in up into this point.  My mind went into a loop, and I thought all of my decisions were garbage.  In actuality, all that really happened is that a new road opened up for me.  In order to go down this new road, I had to put on my turn signal and get off the old road so that I could travel on the new one.  My bank account at a glance looks a lot smaller than it did a few weeks ago, but this is not the case.  I have not allowed the money I invested to finish working for me in order to bring a greater amount of return.  Most people would say that I do not have money right now, but that is because my money all tied up in investments.  Do I feel comfortable about this all the time?  The short answer is no.  Do I still fear the lack of knowledge regarding all of these investments?  The answer is yes.  The only thing is that I have to go through with it anyway because a better life awaits me on the other side of this perceived lack of knowledge. 

There is no trick to winning against the one and only fear.  The goal is not to make the fear less prevalent, but to make one’s desire to live their truth stronger than the lack of knowledge. Once a person’s desire to live his or her truth is big enough to make the lack of knowledge seem small, then he or she will see that fear is just an illusion that was created by the mind.     

Molehills to Mountains

Minor pet peeves can get bigger if an individual does not honor his or her emotions.  If one does not create a boundary for him herself, then things can go south pretty fast.  It is always that one person who disrespects another individual in small ways that add up over time.  This person in my life is my roommate.

The relationship as a whole is not too terrible.  I found it rather annoying that she laughed at me when I said that I wanted a new dresser for Christmas this past year.  Both she and I were not doing that well financially last year.  Even with this fact, I did not appreciate the laughter.  I should have said something in the car when this competition conversation transpired, but I did not want to start an argument over it.  Being positive can be difficult sometimes due to my roommates negativity.  Sometimes I absorb her negative thinking and believe that it is my own.   I was worried about doing my taxes while living under the table in a different place than what is on my legal documents.  The thing that I did not realize at the time is that my roommate prefers the apartment to look as if no one else lives there but her and so that line of thinking entered my head while trying to get my taxes done for the current year.  I still have ways to go in deflecting the negativity of others.

My roommate is always in a rush to get somewhere.  I question where she is trying to get half the time because I do not understand the reaeon behind it.  She would drive me somewhere, and then rush me to get out of the car.  It is only a few minutes more, so I don't understand what the big deal is really about.   You always have more time. Time does not go anywhere   My roommate seems like she has a split personality.  She can be so gentle at times, and then gets caught up in anger.  It is rather weird.

Maybe I try too hard to look past an individual's fault in order to see his or her more positive traits.  I should call her out on things when they happen and stick up for myself more often instead of letting things slide.  The truth of the matter is that the relationship does not work.  it never has.  My roommate let me stay at her place due to a foreclosure on my father's house.   It is time for me to move on and say goodbye.  There's no point in trying to prolong my stay.  We are in two different worlds trying to occupy the same space, but it is not working any longer.  Letting go can be difficult, but it is a necessary evil when it comes to moving forward in one's life.  I accept that this aspect no longer works, and I want to embrace the new coming into my life.

The Fear that Lurks Deep Within

The first time I felt the need to leave my job was when I was kicked off on storm duty in January 2016.  My supervisor said that I was too sluggish getting inside the building when there was thirty inches of snow on the ground.  She also indicated that I was holding up other people from starting work on time because they needed to help me get inside.  I got put up in a hotel, and the company almost made me pay for it.  After I returned to work, I started getting sick left and right.  I had Pharyngitis, and I was diagnosed with adult allergies.  My supervisor kept telling me to go home a lot.  When I eventually caved in, I got hit with a warning for taking too many sick days.  mMy father eventually passed away and I could not find adequate transportation back to work.  I got on short term disability, and I was told that my leave could last up to a year by the HR supervisor.  The head nurse Sallie Dicus kept pushing me to go for  long term disability even after I told her that no doctor would sign for it.  I saw a psychiatrist, and he stated that he would need to see me for a few months before he would sign anything.

My whole problem was the company I worked for would not make any good accommodations to help me continue with employment.  The company was perfectly capable of turning me into a mobile representative.  Due to a specific rule that says a rep needs to have all three skill levels to become mobile is ridiculous.  I had high marks on all my call reviews and was exceeding expectations.  The company should have met me halfway, but policy was policy and nothing could be done.

I'm grateful for the experience because it taught me how to stand up for myself.  I now know how to make quick and important decisions because of everything that transpired.  I have learned to take my power back.  This whole incident created my fear of working in corporations as a whole, but the only reason the fear existed was because I was too afraid to go to extremes to better my life. 

To add insult to injury,  I have taken a shadow job instead of going for the one that I really want.  The job that I have taken has a lot of similarities to the job that I really desire, but it's just not as good.  I had the idea that if I took one job that I could not have the other one.  However, I can always leave a job for the real one at any point.  I fear being locked into a contract, and not being able to escape.  The thing I need to understand is that I and always a free agent.  No one owns me whatsoever.  I can pick and choose how I run my life.  If a few bridges burn, then so be it.   There are plenty more bridges to be crossed. 

Is Meditation Right for Everyone?

Meditation is a practice that a lot of people get into when their lives start going downhill.  One’s health could also take a turn for the worse as well.  Most use meditation in order to calm down from a stressful situation.  The only thing people do not realize is that the practice of meditation may end up changing the way they perceive the world.  Unintentional changes may occur if meditation is performed regularly over an extended period of time. 

When one meditates, he or she calls back to his her own energy as well as the energies of the universe as a whole.  The first thing an individual will most likely notice is that minor ailments will heal after about a week or two.  My arm was always sore from opening up the bathroom door at my job.  My arm healed up within a week after I started meditating regularly.  Falling asleep can occur to beginners even if one is not lying down.  An individual might experience a lucid dream when this transpires..

After meditating for about three months, an individual might be able to feel his or her own aura.  He or she might write it off as some body parts falling asleep, but this is not the case.  An individual will eventually learn that there is nothing wrong with him or her whatsoever.  What is actually happening is that the person’s awareness is growing.  The aura that is felt always existed, but it always went unnoticed by the individual.    

With all of these changes occurring, one’s beliefs about many things will also go through a metamorphosis.  I used to eat beef semi regularly before I started to meditate.  I stopped eating beef almost altogether five months after I started meditating.  The same most likely has happened to a lot of others. 

One will also start to notice synchronicites.  The individual will start learning that coincidences are nothing more than things with similar energy coming together.  When a person thinks or says a certain word to him or herself, he or she will notice that something else will resemble the same thought somewhere else in the room regardless if it is written form, from the TV or spoken from someone else in another seat.

If the career a person has is not doing him or her any good, then regular meditation will eventually lead the individual to rethink what he or she is doing in life.  This happened to me as well.  I was working in a call center trying to achieve arbitrary daily statistics because I thought that doing this would actually bring me success.  My job was the only thing that I cared about.  After I started meditating on a regular basis, I realized that I needed to start writing again.  I also came to the conclusion that I was a healer and needed to help other people take their power back. 

Meditation has many benefits, but it can also have quite a few drawbacks depending on the eye of the beholder.  If an individual likes his or diet, friends, job, residence, town, interests, and hobbies, then he or she might not want to meditate very often if at all.  If a person is happy with living in three dimensions and has no interest in learning what coexists along with it, then it is advised not to meditate.  If an individual likes his or her own opinions and does not want their views challenged in any way, then meditation should be avoided at all costs.  In short, if a human being likes his or life the way it is and does not want to change anything about it, then he or she should not meditate under any circumstances. 

No one warned me that my world would be turned upside down if I engaged in daily meditation.  I went through a small depression because I felt as if the circumstances in my life were forcing me to become something I felt I would not have chosen willingly. After closer examination, I realized that my old life really was not that great in the first place.  This new beginning was the best thing that could ever happen to me.  I figured that I would give an advisory caution to those new or thinking about getting into meditation.  Once a person’s perspective on the world changes, then he or she will never be able to revert back to old thinking patterns.  One needs to make sure that the practice of meditation is for him or her before he or she makes it a daily habit.    

A Fragment in time that Changed my life Forever

Author's note:  (I just wanted to share something that I wrote a little over a year ago.  I recently have been a little down and out, but then I realized how far that I have come.  My thoughts are a lot more coherent now than ever before.  This is because of all of those who have taken time to read what I have written.  If no one read what I have posted, then I would have never gone anywhere.  Thanks goes out to all that have stood by me all of this time.)  

A person’s career is one of the most important aspects in his or her life.  Choosing the right path in regards to employment can be rather hard task due to pressures from the outside world.  A closer look at the personal traits of an individual will reveal the career that is best suited for him or her.

I am a heavily introverted person and tend to be receptive of the world instead of active.  I am slow to process information while evaluating the world around me before I come to any conclusions whatsoever.  I have a constant barrage of thoughts going through my head every second of the day.  I am a very imaginative human being despite coming off as mechanical in everything that I do.  Unordinary thoughts pop into my head at times when they shouldn’t.  I used to get angry at myself for being this way.  I wanted to be like everyone else and focus on the task at hand as it is presented to me.  However, I was not meant to be this way.  My inner world will always be a lot stronger than my outer world.  My inner world will dominate me even if I am in a room with hundreds of others.  When I lose my voice within my head due to sounds from the outer world, then I get frustrated and want to leave the area.  This is because I tend to pop in and out of existence when my inner world is threatened.  Without my thoughts, I am just a corpse, and I cease to be a human being. 

Working in call center poses huge problems in regards to my personality type.  I take calls back to back with no breathing room in between.  The loud beeping gets annoying quickly each time a call comes through.  The cell phone reception these customers have is complete garbage.  The volume of the static is unbearable in a lot of cases.  This means that my inner world is taken away from me.  This means that I pop in and out of existence while on the phone with other people.  This can create confusion in my speech, and so I will have to end up restating information multiple to customers due to my inner world and outer world competing for my attention.  My mind does not know which one to pick, which results into speech that can sometimes seem nonsensical. 

Break times are also a huge deal for me within the confines of the call center.  We have two fifteen minute breaks within an eight and half hour period.  There is a half hour time slot for lunch that can be taken away if calls keep coming through at an alarming right.  In situations such as this, everybody works through lunch.  The company provides, but what is the point when no one has time to eat it?  A person can only pack so much food into his or her cheek.  Everyone is also required to work mandatory on call on weeks assigned to them.  If a person has an early schedule, then he or she could be working up to four hours extra without any extra break.  People need adhere to the schedule that is given.  There is a bit of leeway regarding the time someone’s paid break begins and ends due to how long the last call runs before that individual can use his or her break time.    Going to the bathroom twice in ten to twelve hours is not enough for anyone with a sensitive pelvic floor.  I am sure others with a standard functioning pelvic floor are suffering as well, but to a lesser degree. 

The way the call center operates with sick days is flat out ridiculous.  If a person calls out sick, then he or she has to call three different numbers.  The employee needs to call his or her supervisor, the attendance line, and the human resources department.  The human resources department should not have any say on sickness whatsoever.  I had a few issues regarding potential gingivitis and pharyngitis.  I also had a few doctor appoints and a meeting with a lawyer that I needed to be present for during the winter months of 2016.  Because the company was in the middle of high bill season, I was not allowed take off for any reason.  I used sick time in order to go to all of my appointments.  It turns out that the company no longer offers the option to use the floating holidays everyone receives on a yearly basis as sick time.  I was formally written up for being sick too often.  One of days I was sick was due to the company encouraging me to go home due to coughing up a storm for a week straight.  The reason that this issue transpired is because the departments within the company that I work for do not communicate with one another.  Every time I have called down to another department to ask a question about a process for a customer’s account, the person on the other line has no clue what needs to be done.  No one talks to one another about anything or anyone.  Once an individual moves from the call center to another department, then he or she forgets all the knowledge that was learned during his or her time taking calls.  An employee should carry knowledge from one department to another even if the knowledge learned does not relate directly to the workload that the employee will be responsible for.  What is the point of doing a job if you are not going to learn anything from doing it? 

All of these events have led me to contemplate about embarking on a new career path.  It is clear that a highly sensitive individual such as myself has no business in a call center.  This call center is for extraverted who react to situations quickly without any kind reflection.  I do not know how to smooth things over in a nice way.  I am not overly blunt with the customers that I talk to everyday, but I do not know how to say things in order to alleviate the angry emotions that the customers are experiencing.  This is because I have to stick to the “script” that I was given in training.  If I cannot interact with the public in an honest and fulfilling way, then what is the point of my job other than to appease people?  If I cannot apply the skills I have learned throughout the entire company, then how can I take my career seriously when all I am doing work to keep myself busy. 

Because of all of the hustling that I have been doing, my health has declined.  I do not eat or drink the way that I should.  My lower back arms hurt from being leaned over a desk all day.  The door to the bathroom is also ridiculously heavy, and has definitely hurt my arm.  Eight hours of sleep is not enough for a person with a dominant inner world.  I will sleep for eight hours and wake up feeling drained.  My throat is dry and scratchy all the time.  I actually was diagnosed with adult allergies.  I am not one to question doctors too often, but the diagnosis I was given was not correct.  I think my issue is that my voice and throat gets tired of yelling at people because no one understands me when I speak at a regular.  This constant yelling has caused me to have throat issues.  The lack of sleep probably contributes to my sinus problems.  Eight hours of sleep is not enough recharge my body.  The customers steal every ounce of energy that I have.  This means that I have no energy to engage in any extracurricular activities on the weekends.  The weekends are spent sleeping or listening to music in order to build up the strength for the following work week.  When I finally took a vacation, my health improved in just three days.  I no longer had pain in my back or arm.  My mental energy could be used in a productive manner.  I did not feel like I had to rest up for two days in a row just to be able to survive.  One might say that almost every person does not like his or her job.  While that may be true, not everyone has a job that impacts their well-being so much that there they cannot do anything else.  These issues go beyond not liking my job.  It is destroying my essence as a living creature.  A highly sensitive introvert like me needs a career path that meets my need to create while also allowing me time alone to recharge my energy.  Everyone has to face obstacles that go against who he or she is as a person at some point, but no one should be forced to act the opposite way to how he or she actually is every day of his or her life.  I need a career that allows me to put my best foot forward.  Anyone can do anything for a short amount of time and be fine.  For example, suppose that someone is great at working with appliances and electronics obtains a job as an editor for a publishing company.  He or she might be good at the job for a while, but his or her extraverted needs will not be met sitting inside a room at a computer not talking to people on a regular basis.  This person will eventually feel as though he or she is wasting his or her talent editing papers.  This individual would most likely feel more actualized working as a plumber instead of remaining locked in one room all day long.  Who you are will eventually catch up with you.  A person has to choose what is important to him or her.  Should a person sacrifice his or her health for financial security, or should he or she feel good about him or herself from a mental perspective and sacrifice material perks to feel healthy on the inside? 

The answer is pretty clear in my situation.  I need to leave the extraverted life of the call center in order for my health to improve.  I will have to worry about money for a while, but in the end, I will feel better about my mental state.  I will be able to be creative and feel as though I have enough energy to finish things to completion.  There will be some tough times ahead, but I have weathered through the employment storm before, and I can do it again.  I need to find my purpose in life.  The universe is not going to put me through sixteen surgeries and a gender transformation just so I can sit inside of a call center and not be able to interact with others as an authentic human being.      

The Challenge that is Forgiveness

Everyone goes through tough situations in their lives.  During these trying times, a person can be in a relationship with someone else that is not fulfilling whatsoever.  The relationship continues to exist because both parties feel that they need one another for a specific reason.  Neither party will realize that he or she could have existed without the other until a major event drives them apart.  I had this type of relationship with my father.

The relationship my father and I shared was based mostly around material goods.  I have a condition known as Cerebral Palsy.  This makes it difficult for me to traverse any kind of incline.  At the time, I thought I was unable to obtain my own place.  I worked ten to twelve hours a day at my call center job.  I remained ignorant to every other aspect of my life.  I did not really notice my father’s health like I should have.  I was too busy trying to climb the corporate ladder to really focus on my father’s health.  He took thirteen pills twice a day.  Most of the pills were for difficulties with the heart.  My father had quadruple bypass surgery in May of 2004.  He wanted to get fried chicken his first day home from the hospital.

I did not do a lot at home.  The house was always a mess because my father never put anything away.  I was too drained from arguing with people about their bills to even give a crap.  I did clean my father’s messes up quite a few times, but then I got tired of it.  He used to yell at me for taking out the trash because it was “easier” for him to do it.  The only problem is that my father never did it.  The trash bins would overflow, and he would let everything sit.

My father became a bump on a log outside of driving me back and forth to work every day.  He would just sit on the couch and watch TV without moving.  His fingers on one hand had turned brown due to lack of bathing.  I told him to go wash his hands while we were at a local diner.  He dunked his hands in a cup of water a couple times and said “there, I washed my hands.”  My father then laughed about as if it was funny that he was so disgusting.  I wanted to punch my father in face so bad that day.  I could not take it anymore.  He had not taken a shower in months.  I am surprised my father made it as long as he did.  If that were me, I would have died a long time ago. 

 The day before my father went to the hospital, I told him that it was his choice whether or not he wanted to live or die.  He went to his primary doctor the next day, and the doctor told him to go to the hospital.  I got out of work around 5:30 P.M.  I waited for an hour for my father to pick me up.  I eventually decided to take a taxi home.  When I got to the house, I did not see the HHR in the driveway.  I did not know what had happened.  I waited around for a few hours until it got dark.  I called my supervisor on the phone, and he told me to call the police.  The police came and took down all the information for my father.  They even went to the local diner to look for him.  The police did not get anywhere and decided to call around to local hospitals.  My father was found at Northwest Hospital in Randallstown.  It turned out that he told the head nurse not to tell anyone where he was located.   This kind of thinking made no sense.

After my father passed away, I found out that he canceled his death benefits with Verizon.  In other words, there was no money to pay off the loans that my father borrowed against the house after the original mortgage was all squared away.  Who would actually do that though?  Why couldn’t my father just tell me that he did not have the money to send me to college?  I could have studied philosophy on my own if I was still interested in the subject matter.  I knew that there were loans against the house, but I did not realize that the benefits policy was canceled.  My father and I got into a fight one time, and he threatened to cancel out the policy, but I never thought anyone would be dumb enough to actually do it.

It has been almost ten months since my father went to the hospital. I will never understand why my father could not trust me enough to tell me the truth.  Then again, it is not as if I made a serious effort to know certain things when he was alive.  I was too absorbed the hive mindset from my job to even think about my own personal needs let alone someone else’s.  I work on letting the past go every day.  Some days are more difficult than others.  I will eventually forgive my father completely.  I will also never forget the lessons I learned from the relationship that I had with him.      

         

The Inspiration for Living an Authentic Life

A person can feel intuitive about particular events that are coming up in his or her lives.  The outing itself might seem small and insignificant at first, but then the message becomes quite clear further down the road.  One might leave with something different than what he or she came for to begin with.   

I was out at an expo for disabilities last Saturday. I heard that the expo was going to have free wheelchair repair, so I naturally assumed that it would have walker repair as well. I took my rollator walker because it functions a little bit better than the other one I use on a regular basis. My mother in law drove me to the expo and dropped me off.  I arrived at the location two hours early and waited for the event to begin. The technician in charge of the repairs came over to me and asked if I needed any work done on my rollator. I did not seek the individual out whatsoever. His station was all the away on the other side of the room. 

I decided to listen to the band that was playing in the arts area of the expo. I had to use the bathroom. When I was done washing my hands and reached for the handle of the door to the exit, I suddenly pulled back and went to the side. Just as reached the wall someone else came inside the bathroom. There is no way I could have heard her coming because of the loud music.  I would have gotten hit by the door if I had not moved out of the way.   

I went over to the independent living booth later that day and asked about housing. I was turned away because the booth did not have anything of value. I got a few pamphlets with a list of organizations, but I already spoke to most of them in the past.  They all turned me away because I made too much money. 

I decided to walk the rest of the expo floor to see what else was there.  There was a booth there that had a picture of angels.  It was probably a church of some kind.  I then saw an angel on the back of some person’s shirt.  I did not see any writing to go along with the picture.  I took this as a sign that I was supposed to be at the expo after all.   

I was going to leave the expo after I finished resting up from walking the floor.  Something in my head told me to stick around to see what else would pop up. Quite a few people on the autism spectrum put on some performance later that day. There was a keyboardist that mastered a song by ear. Someone else was able to sing quite well. There was also some kind of act revolving around exercise. I took this as inspiration for me to start playing an instrument again. I began playing the guitar back in October of 2015. I stopped playing when I started getting sick a lot. 

I saw the organizer in charge of the all the artistic talent at the expo.  I went over and let her read my blog post about seeing a disability as a gift instead of an obstacle.  I did not have an extra copy to give her, so she copied it with her phone.  I wish I would have had a card with my information on it to give out.  The woman gave me a card with her information on the back of it, and then I went to my seat to finish watching the show.

I might not have found what I was looking for when I came to the expo, but I left with something even more valuable.  I left the event more inspired than ever before.  Those who were “worse” off than I was built a career based around their talents, so why could not I do the same thing?  It will take a while, but I could definitely make a career out of my gifts to the world.  The people at the expo did it, and they are fine.  I can do the same thing with my talents.  All I need to do is put myself out there and see what happens.  I know what type of life that I want to live.  Now I have to build it piece by piece.              

A Helping Hand During Difficult Times

Life can sometimes throw people a curve ball that they do not see coming.  When this change occurs, everyone scrambles to put the pieces of their lives back together the way that they were before the change occurred.  The only problem with this is no one is supposed to go backwards in time.  Big changes happen in life that the individual can live more authentically than he or she has in the past.  Everyone is going to need advice on what to do during the transition from the old lifestyle to the new one.  Most people do not realize that they can receive guidance through numbers. 

The numbers 111, 222, and 333, are the most common numbers that people start seeing once they come to realization that there something beyond the physical realm exists.  There is usually a positive meaning associated with each of the numbers.  The number 111 can mean that one is synced up with the universe, or the individual is having are good ones.  He or she should explore those ideas further.  The number 222 can mean that one is living a balanced life.  This person is most likely cooperating well with others.  It can also indicate that an individual has a lot of faith in what in current events that are taking place.  The number 333 is associated higher spirits that might be surrounding the individual.  They could be sending love, encouragement, or new ideas.  Some claim that these higher spirits are angels. 

These numbers can also have a slightly different meaning than what has been stated above.  If an individual is falling away from the path that he or she is supposed to follow, these numbers can be seen as a warning to get back on track.  The number 111 can be a wakeup call to pay attention what is happening in one’s life.  The number 222 could indicate that one needs to have faith in the opportunities that are presenting themselves.  It could also mean that one needs to have more faith in him or herself.  The number 333 might be telling an individual try to balance the physical, mental, and spiritual areas of his or her life more effectively. 

Signs can come in any form.  They not have to be numerical at all.  A good way to see signs of what to do next is through every day conversations with other people.  One might disagree with the opinions of others, but pay attention to the topics that are discussed more than what positions the individuals hold.  These discussions will give a person an idea of where he or she should focus his or her attention to next. 

Everyone always has a helping hand available even when no one else is around to be of assistance from a physical standpoint.  All is that is required is for one to pay attention to his or her surroundings.  If one can look for meanings beyond his or her personal intentions, then bog transitions in life will not feel so terrible.  If an individual can stop forcing his or her agenda, then the right answer on how to proceed will eventually make itself known. 

Building a Healthier Future

The world today is extremely fast paced due to all the activities one schedules on a daily basis.  Because we live in a quantity over quality world, people tend to not take care of their health the way that they should.  This will eventually lead to the malfunction of the body.  Once the body starts to fail, then people will not be able live life to the fullest.

My health seems to get worse during the winter months.  My legs become stiffer, and I cannot walk very well.   Sometimes my lower back will hurt so bad that I will just stay in the bed the majority of the day.  I finally decided to do something about these negative conditions a few weeks ago.  I asked my primary doctor to give me a referral so I could go to physical therapy.  I figured that if I strengthened the muscles in the legs and lower back, then I might fare cold weather better in the future.

It felt odd to be in physical therapy once again.  The last time I was in any type of therapy relating to the physical body was after my last surgery in the summer of 2000.  I felt like I was putting on an old hat that I had not worn in years.  I was not sure how this was going to turn out.

The physician that I saw gave me standard exercises for my legs.  I had to move one leg at a time out to the side while on my back.  I had other exercises such as raising my legs in the air as well as toward my chest.  I also had a band tied around my legs and then had to move my legs in opposing directions to fight the resistance put on my lower extremities.

I started to feel the difference in my body after two therapy sessions.  My right hip did not crack as much.  My lower back seemed to be able to withstand some of the colder nights during early spring.  I also began to feel my own aura in my feet on a relatively regular basis.  The symptoms I experience due to having an inflamed pelvic floor did not seem as painful.  I started going to the bathroom more easily than I have in years.

If I would not have made time to go to physical therapy, then my health never would have improved at all.  Slowing one’s self down is a key component to improving one’s body and mind.    Nobody will ever accomplish anything in life by doing the bare minimum so that he or she can move on to the next thing.  Good health takes commitment and patience.  Without those two things, there will be no chance that an individual will improve his or her life.

Learning how to show Compassion

The world can sometimes be a very scary place to be.  A good part of the population is still stuck in survival mode, and this can lead to circumstances that would be very unpleasant to deal with.  On the other side of the coin, compassion is something that a lot of people seem to have forgotten about.  I also forgot about compassion as well during last night’s conference regarding getting a name or gender marker altered. 

The conference started inside a small room within the Chase Brexton healthcare facility in Baltimore City.  A person by the name of Monica stated that she does not trust any medical institution.  She thought that the medical was talking about her when she was unconscious from anesthesia.  Another individual who identified as a trans man told his story about working a job in the medical field.  He made sure that the doctors gendered people correctly.  A non-trans female lawyer also explained that she was at the conference in order to obtain information to serve her clients more efficiently.  Monica decided to start arguments with both lawyer, and the trans man.  She asked them both what they are doing here.  The lawyer explained once more that she was there to gather information to help her clients.  Monica did not like this answer.  She felt as though she was being observed and did not feel that was equal to the lawyer.  Monica also had an issue with the story the trans man gave regarding his experience in the working world.  In other words, the only thing Monica would have accepted for a legitimate answer would have been someone saying that he or she was at the conference to help takes steps to get his or her name or gender changed.  Back stories did not matter to this woman. 

I began to lose my cool on the inside as Monica berated these two individuals over and over about why there were at the conference in the first place.  I wished the host of the conference would have stood up and told Monica to stop, but she just sat there instead.  I could have voiced my opinion, but I did not want to add insult to injury.   The host probably thought the same thing. 

After the arguments were over, the conversation then turned to gender identification on medical forms that one receives in the waiting room of an office.  People were complaining about forms stating “female” and “trans female” instead of “cis female” and “trans female.  Certain people felt that this was an injustice to the transgender population.  One person thought that the different boxes on the forms forced people to indicate how they perceive their bodies.  It just amazed me that no one brought up the fact that transition is more of an internal movement than an external one.  No one talked about what they learned from transition so far.  It was always about others people’s perception of who they were.  Transition is about the journey to express one’s inner nature.  I felt like I did not belong at this conference.

After the conference was over, I went to the diner in my neighborhood to try to raise my spirit.  This helped a little bit, but it took about five more hours before I was able to get the whole incident out of my head.  I did not sleep at all during the night.

 

I thought the whole conference was about helping others with changing one’s name or gender marker.  I came to the meeting to tell my story about changing both of these things.  I hoped to inspire others with my words, but this did not happen.  I was the one who was taught something in the end.  I did not see the conference this way immediately after it was over.  The universe was teaching me how to have compassion for others who were less fortunate than I was.  If someone told me three years ago that transition was a journey from the inside out, I probably would not have paid attention to a word that this person was saying.  I too was stuck on physical and vocal changes for a long time, and I would not have been able to see the bigger picture.  I have to remember that I was once where some the people at the conference are now.  I wish I would have had this in mind before I went to the conference. 

The reason that I had no knowledge of being taught a lesson was because I absorbed the negative energy that Monica was sending out.  I let her rampage on two other people affect my mood.  This in turn lowered my vibration.  I began to think solely of my needs just as she was doing.  This is why I was not able to see what was really going on in the conference.  Monica controlled everything, and no one did anything to stop it.  This includes me as well.  If I would have stood up to her and changed the topic, then I might have been able to raise the vibration of the rest of the room.  I was somewhat of being physically assaulted, so I did not say anything.  I had an opportunity to change things for the better, but I decided to give into fear instead. 

Now that I realize that I actually do absorb the energy of others, I can then take more constructive measures to protect myself in the future.  I now know how to handle myself in an environment where low vibrations are dominant.  I also understand that I need to show more compassion to those who cannot see the good in the world.  I need to remember that I was not always as optimistic about my life when I was younger.  I was able to pick up on Monica’s vibration right after she opened her mouth.  I should have showed compassion towards her from the start.  I guess the night was not a complete waste.  I might have failed to inspire others, but I learned something about myself in the process.  

Becoming a Victim to your own Emotions

Emotions can sometimes make people do crazy things.  This is especially true when one is a seemingly bad situation.  I became a victim to my negative emotions this passed Friday, and the results were not good at all. 

I have been trying to find a new place to live for about nine months.  The property I live in now is up for short sale and could face foreclosure at the end of April of this year.  I have a condition known as Cerebral Palsy, so it is hard for me to find a place that is in a fair price range and will suit my needs.  I cannot do steps that well, and this would make doing a simple task such as washing clothes almost impossible without a washer and dryer close by. 

I finally found a place in the same town where I live currently.  The apartment was all on one level and included a washer and dryer all for the price of $1169.  That amount would have been difficult for me to afford, but it was the only game in town.  I knew I had to be out my current place as soon as possible.  I decided to go up to the complex and see if there were any addition details regarding the apartment. 

I tried calling for an Uber, and the first person that was supposed to pick me up cancelled the ride.  I should have taken this as a sign that none of what I was about to do would lead to a good ending, but I was too “determined” to listen to the signs that surrounded me.  I called another Uber driver and went down to the apartment complex.  When I arrived, I walked up and down the parking lot trying to find a ramp to get up on the sidewalk.  This was the second sign that the apartment was not the right place for me.  ”Coincidentally,” someone from the leasing office came out of the building and helped me up the sidewalk as well as the steps to the front door. The personnel inside ran the necessary processes to get me approved for the apartment.  They wanted my social security card due to an issue that was present in their system.  One of the ladies at the office offered to drive me home so that I would save on the cost of calling for an Uber ride.  I gave her my social security card, and she told me that she would back in just a little while after everything had been completed.  I should not have loaned my card to someone I barely knew, but there were not a whole lot of options available, so I decided to take a risk.  I knew I had to get out of my old place before the bank forces me to leave.  I got a call an hour later from the complex asking if I had any other identification outside of my state ID.  I told the person who called that I changed my name almost two years ago.  She wanted me to bring up my name change papers.  I waited two more hours for the woman that drove me home to bring back my card.  She never did come back to my place to explain what was happening.  I decided to cancel everything out then and there.  I called the leasing office back to tell them not to give me the place due to all the issues it was having with my info.  There was obviously something wrong somewhere along the line.  The person I spoke to on the phone said that the office put my social security card in the mail.  I got mad because no one called me to explain the change in plan. 

I took another Uber ride up to the apartment complex.  The Uber driver ended up heading down the wrong road, and I spent more money for that particular ride.  I went up to the office before the mail was taken out.  I got my card back and called for another Uber ride.  The rate for this ride was 1.2 times the normal rate due to a shortage of drivers during hectic business hours.  I was only going down the street to my favorite restaurant.  It was only about a mile down the street, and I ended up paying $7.20 for that ride.  I had to get out of the complex parking lot because the rental office was closing in an hour.  I did not have a choice in the matter.  I did not have the opportunity to wait for until the regular rate was available again.    

If I would have just sat home that day, then all of the issues I faced could have been avoided.  I would not have learned about the red flag on my name, so I guess I learned something from the experience after all.  I wasted a lot time, energy and money when everything would have remained fine if I would have paid attention to the first two signs that told me to avoid the complex altogether. 

I went out to the diner again last night, and I saw a sign for a disability expo regarding independent living in an area that is close to me.  The sign was posted at the end of the road just before going on entrance ramp to the highway.  I then saw a commercial for the expo on Youtube before watching a video later on that night.  This could be a sign that I might find what I am looking for at this expo. 

I learned a valuable lesson this passed Friday.  I cannot let my feelings about a current situation control the actions that I take.  If something is not right, then it is not right regardless of what other external circumstances are happening around me.  I tried my best, and that is what counts.  If the worst ends up happening, then I will just have to deal with it when the time comes.  I tried my best to do things in a practical manner, and I failed.  I can only take things one day at a time.  I need to let situations come to end naturally instead of using force.  There is obviously something bigger taking place outside of this whole ordeal with housing.  All I can do is make better choices in the future.

Eating Healthier from the Inside Out

Eating healthy can be a challenge for many people.  A lot of people have lost touch with their bodies due to the fast paced nature of our environment in the twenty first century.  People are always in a rush to cram as many activities as they can in one day.  Most individuals do not take time to slow down to listen to what their body is telling them.  I ate what I wanted all the time without caring what I did to my body.  Once I started feeling sick on regular basis is when I finally started listening to my body a lot more. 

The first thing I stopped eating when moving forward with my diet change is pepperoni.  I noticed that I would cough up a huge amount of phlegm every time I would eat pizza. I then decided to try cutting out pepperoni to see what would happen.  The next time I went for a pizza, I ordered one with plain cheese.  After I finished eating, I noticed a huge contrast of how I felt this time around compared to all the other times I had pizza with pepperoni.  I no longer coughed up any phlegm.  The only thing I need to work on now is not eating pizza in large quantities. 

Beef was a food that I did not think was half bad the majority of the time.  I stopped eating beef around six months ago due to how heavy it made me feel.  Beef also irritated my stomach to a degree as well.  I thought at first that maybe it was just me, but this was not the case.  Every time I would eat beef, my stomach would end up feeling terrible later on in the day.  I had to give beef up because my body just could not take it anymore.  I came to realize that I did not miss the food itself all that much.  I guess that beef never really was a major part of my to begin with. 

The key to realizing which foods are good for one’s health, and which ones are not so great is by listening to the body in complete silence.  One will be able to hear his or her stomach trying to process the food that was eaten a few hours earlier.  If the individual hears the stomach making all kinds of noises, then this most likely means that the food eaten earlier is something that it does not like. 

Another thing a person can do to improve his or her diet is to avoid eating to the point where another bite cannot be taken.  When an individual feels “full,” then that is an indicator of being overstuffed.  People can eat without feeling full and still have obtained enough nourishment.  No one needs to stuff themselves to where they are forced to stop eating.  The stomach will thank the individual for eating less later on in the day. 

I am not trying to tell anyone what to eat.  I am just trying to give information about how to tell which foods are good for an individual based on his or her own body.  No one will know which food is right until the impact on the stomach is felt.           

Dealing with Inflammation

Inflammation has been an issue that I have dealt with for the past twelve years.  This is due to the hypersensitivity of nerves located in a specific set of muscles on the body.  The burning sensation that inflammation brings can be quite hard at times.  It pulls individuals away from what they love and forces them to focus their attention on something that is rather undesirable.  I started having issues with inflammation when I developed a condition known as Pelvic Floor Disorder. 

I was first diagnosed with Pelvic Floor disorder in January of 2009.  The issues with my pelvis started four years earlier when I obtained a urinary tract infection.  It burned when I went to the bathroom.  I went to the hospital, and the doctors there gave me pills to clear everything up after they catheterized in order to extract the waste from my bladder.  I was fine for about a year and a half afterwards, and then I got infected in the same area once more.  Pills cleared the infection up, and I went on with my life.  During Christmas of 2008, I began having difficulty urinating.  There was a little bit of a burning sensation this time as well, but not as bad as when I had the other infections.  My urologist told me that I my problems with relieving waste might be more than just a simple infection.  The nerves in my pelvic floor that control the involuntary sphincters have become hypersensitive most likely due to age.  I saw another doctor for a second opinion, and he agreed that I had Pelvic Floor Disorder.  This guy told me that it was a progression of my Cerebral Palsy.  After the doctor gave me his two cents regarding my problem, I decided to stop seeing him altogether.  Cerebral Palsy does not get progressively worse through time.  It is a birth defect.  A person will remain affected by Cerebral Palsy to the same degree throughout his or her lifetime.  There are different degrees of this birth defect, but the degree does not change depending on time or age. 

My pelvic floor condition does not allow me to empty my waste properly.  Sometimes I will have to go to the bathroom twice in one hour just to relieve myself completely.  I also become constipated rather often.  I sometimes sit on the toilet for about an hour and a half trying to have a bowel movement.  My involuntary sphincters will flip out for what seems like no reason.  I have come to realize that the sphincters spaz out when my nerves become inflamed.  My fecal matter will remain at the bottom of the toilet instead of floating to the top like everyone else’s.  Cleaning out the toilet bowl becomes a nightmare because of this fact.  My condition can make it difficult to enjoy any activity in life.  I do not know when I will have the urge to go to the bathroom.  I also will have to sit in pain due to the inflammation that can arise even when I do not have to use the bathroom. 

The main thing I learned when dealing with the pelvic floor as well as inflammation in general is to keep the area clean.  One should go to the bathroom when the urge is first felt.  An individual would be wise to start eating smaller portions during every meal of the day.  This will ensure that the stomach and bowels do not become extremely irritated at a later time.  Pills have never really helped my nerves that much, so I would not suggest trying to relieve pain in this manner..  As long as one is active aware of his or her body, then inflammation of any type can be manageable without too much intervention. 

Fragile Ego

The ego can be a very illusive part of an individual.  People have a tendency to speak of another person’s ego in the arrogant sense of the word.  The particular individual thinks too highly of him or herself.  The ego can also lean towards the other extreme known as self-loathing.  This is when the particular individual thinks poorly of him or herself.  There is not a whole lot of discussion about people who take on the ego of others.

I was born with a condition known as Cerebral Palsy.  Because of this birth defect, my mother did not think I could do anything by myself.  I did not learn how to wipe my butt while going number two until the age of ten.  I basically saw myself the way my mother saw me.  I thought I could not do much of anything without any type of assistance.  My mother was always too afraid to let me do anything by myself, and I ended up absorbing this perception as my ego.  I did not start trying new things on my own until she passed away. 

My father valued both money and career.  He did not put much value in anything else besides those two things.  I ended up getting a job at my local utility company as a call center representative.  This company held the same values as my father.  I had to answer calls as fast as possible so that the statistics for the day would remain positive.  I ate unhealthy foods and stressed myself out when I failed to meet monthly quotas.  Once I started to have thoughts about doing others things besides working in a call center, I thought I was going insane, and I eventually sought out therapy.  The reason I had difficulty accepting my own thoughts was because I absorbed the perception of my father as well as the utility company. 

I am now starting to develop an authentic sense of self for the first time in my life.  I am quite a peaceful individual.  I do not worry about things nearly as much now that I have stopped trying to live up to other people’s expectations.  My main goal right now is to continue developing my own sense of self.  I am tired of absorbing the perceptions of others.  I want to have my own perception of who I am as a person .  I already know how everyone else sees me as well as the world.  Now it is time for me to ask how I see myself as well and the world. 

I guess the ego really is the most fragile aspect of a human being.  If the ego can change itself without much effort in order to fit in better with everyone else, then clearly the ego is supposed to be used to as a tool to fulfill of something higher than itself.  My ultimate task in this incarnation is to live a more soul centered existence.  As long as I follow my path, then I will not have a reason to absorb energies from anything else.      

A Letter to my Father

(My father and I had a difficult relationship.  This letter might seem a bit harsh, but I had to let go of some difficult emotions.  I appreciate everyone that has supported me in my journey to become a light worker.  Have an awesome year)

Dear Father:

I hope your soul is doing well after the painful death that you endured.  I wish the best of luck in your next incarnation.  I would try to work on developing values outside materialism and career.  Everyone lives a physical existence on this planet, and we all need physical things in order to sustain ourselves.  You took that idea a bit too far during your last life here on earth.  Your identity was tied to working and making money.  You never really took time to take care of your health.  You also never took too much of an interest in what other people were doing around you.  When no one else would take interest in the things you were doing, then you got an attitude with him or her. 

Things were quite turbulent after you passed away in July.  I am going to lose the house.  I do not know where I will be living as of yet, but I am sure that I will manage something.  I put a few of the bills in my name.  I have been paying BGE, Verizon Wireless, and Verizon Fios for about five months now.  My credit information is still rather lackluster.  This is one of the main reasons that I cannot rent an apartment or room somewhere.  I should not feel too bad though because I do not have any outstanding debts in my name.  One Main Financial and your Elan credit card are paid off in full.  I do not understand why you ran up a three thousand dollar bill on the card.  Why did you have such a huge ego?  You should have asked for help with all of your issues.  The only reason why you probably tried to control everything at home all the time was because you felt like you had no power when it came to your career.

I have moved on with my life.  I have realized that I have the potential to become an occultist, a writer, and a healer.  You probably disapprove of the choices that I have made with my life.  The only thing that you fail to realize is that some people value things other than money.  I let your influence take over my own personality.  The same can be said for BGE as well.  Both of you are similar to one another.  You both valued financial gain above all else.  You both had terrible taste in nutrition.  I still do not know how I ate pizza from Pizza Hut.  I guess I should not be too hard on myself because I did not know any better at the time.  My life feels awesome without either of you in it whatsoever. 

This letter is not about trashing the way you lived.  When you actually responded to things like an ordinary person, then things did not seem half bad.  You were always an awesome person when we went out to eat to places such as The Reisterstown Family Diner, J and P Pizza, and Ledo Pizza.  We had a lot of laughs when we went out.  It is too bad that the joy had to stop once we came home.

My only other point of contention is that you always defended your negative attributes by using me as an excuse.  You always said that I should be thankful that you are around due to my inability to drive.  You cannot use being a “chauffeur” as a reason that I should have overlooked your shortcomings.  I was thankful that you took the time to help me to get the work as well as take me to doctor appointments.  You still had faults of your own that you could have worked on to better yourself.  I was never mad because you were not a perfect person.  I was angry because you never tried to improve yourself one bit. Some of your flaws were so big that they could not be ignored.  I can only guess that you suffered from some kind of mental illness. 

I wrote this letter in order to let go of all the anger that I have had for you over the years.  You are now one with the universe once again.  I am sorry that we did not have a better relationship while you were still around.  I forgive you for all the pain you have caused.  It probably was not all you fault.  Please consider this letter as a symbol of peace

Love

Laruen