The Truth About Job Security

Career and financial securities are probably a top priority for a lot of people.  Everyone wants to know that they will be taken care of all the time.  The old saying goes, “you might be ok with your job, but is your job ok with you?”  Everyone has heard this in one form or another at some point in his or her life.  In could not be further from the truth.

I recently had a position at Toyota Financial Services.  I was a customer representative for the lease end department.  I spoke to people about their excessive wear and use bills along with disposition fees.  I have worked in call centers before, so the complaints about how much things cost were nothing new to me.  My supervisor stated that he needed to do some side by sides with me so he could get a better picture of how I handle customers.  It took him two weeks to sit down with me during four phone calls to make sure I was doing everything right.  I had already been taking calls for a month before this transpired.  This was one of the telltale signs that told me the job I was doing was not the right one for me.  I would sometimes stare out the window and look at the shining its bright light on everything in sight.  I would think to myself, “wouldn’t it be awesome if I could be out in the sun right now instead taking calls from customers that ultimately do not want to pay their bill no matter how little money is owed.  This was another sign that the job I was doing was not in my best interest whatsoever.  I use Uber and Lyft quite often to get myself back and forth from place to place.  I started to get picked up from drivers who “used” to work at Toyota Financial themselves.  This was not only an indicator that I was in the wrong job, but that my time as a customer service representative would come to an end shortly. 

A few weeks after the events described above came and went, I was let go from my position at Toyota Financial Services.  I was not let go due to performance issues.  I was ok with my job for the most part, but my job was not ok with me.  If this were the case, then I would still be there now taking the exact same calls over and over again.  I saw all the signs telling me to get out, but I did not think that my time would come so soon.  The reason given for my termination was because I was absent too many times within a short period.  I was only out three times within two months. 

What I learned is that there is no such thing as external security.  It is up to the individual to be secure in his or her own decisions.  What may seem secure may disintegrate in the blink of an eye.  There is no point in holding yourself back in life due to the false sense of security that something else may bring an individual.  Everyone secures themselves by committing to their decisions.  That is the only security one has in life anyway.  We can only secure the choices that we make.  Everything else is always up in the air.        

What Fear Really Means

When a person decides to engage in something, he or she usually does this based on how much fear is present within him or herself.  Everyone speaks of fear as if it is multifaceted in some way.  There is only one fear, but the human mind puts labels on what that one fear is for the individual.  No one is actually afraid of anything itself.  What people fear the most is the perceived lack of knowledge of how things will work out.

The human mind loves being guaranteed something.  The guarantee eases us into believing that we have knowledge of how a situation will work out.  No one actually fears lack of money, home, friends, or relationships.  What these fears are is actually just the feeling of not having the knowledge of how things will fall into place.  What actually leads to negative situation is when people try to control everything in their lives so that nothing bad happens.  The more that a person tries to make something happen a certain way, the harder it usually ends up being for him or her. 

I have been dealing with lack of knowledge issues myself in recent times.  My whole world changed completely in March of this year.  I got a new job working for Toyota Financial Services.  Three weeks after I landed this job, I scored a job interview in my desired city of Phoenix Arizona three weeks later.  I took my chances and flew out there for the interview.  I never had been to Phoenix before, but I have been doing a lot of research about the area because I plan to move there by the end of June.  Yes, I put my current job at risk in order to achieve something better.  It turns out that the job was not quite up to par with what I had been told over the phone.  I ended up not getting the job anyway.  I was not too crushed because deep inside I knew I was worth more.  Did fear pop up and make me wonder I was going to make my move happen since I did not have all the information?  Yes it did.  I will succumb to it from time to time.  All fear does is keep a person from moving forward.  The individual keeps beating to the same old drum, and he or she gets stuck in a loop.

I then had an opportunity to go to Maui for a mindset workshop.  Getting a plane ticket to Maui is not cheap on an income of $17 an hour, but I did it anyway.  The decision to take this trip was up in the air for a couple of days.  I wrestled with this decision for a lot of hours before deciding that I wanted to change my life once and for all.  I wavered back and forth on this decision because I feared the lack knowledge that of how things will turn out.  I still remain uncertain even now about how everything will be paid for as far the entire event is concerned, but all I can do is live an authentic life and have faith that something will pull through before everything takes place.  I invested all the resources I had into traveling and changing my life around for the better.  All I can really do at this point is let my investment work for me. 

Due to changing my priorities, I lost my position at Toyota Financial Services.  This made me doubt everything I invested in up into this point.  My mind went into a loop, and I thought all of my decisions were garbage.  In actuality, all that really happened is that a new road opened up for me.  In order to go down this new road, I had to put on my turn signal and get off the old road so that I could travel on the new one.  My bank account at a glance looks a lot smaller than it did a few weeks ago, but this is not the case.  I have not allowed the money I invested to finish working for me in order to bring a greater amount of return.  Most people would say that I do not have money right now, but that is because my money all tied up in investments.  Do I feel comfortable about this all the time?  The short answer is no.  Do I still fear the lack of knowledge regarding all of these investments?  The answer is yes.  The only thing is that I have to go through with it anyway because a better life awaits me on the other side of this perceived lack of knowledge. 

There is no trick to winning against the one and only fear.  The goal is not to make the fear less prevalent, but to make one’s desire to live their truth stronger than the lack of knowledge. Once a person’s desire to live his or her truth is big enough to make the lack of knowledge seem small, then he or she will see that fear is just an illusion that was created by the mind.     

The Fear that Lurks Deep Within

The first time I felt the need to leave my job was when I was kicked off on storm duty in January 2016.  My supervisor said that I was too sluggish getting inside the building when there was thirty inches of snow on the ground.  She also indicated that I was holding up other people from starting work on time because they needed to help me get inside.  I got put up in a hotel, and the company almost made me pay for it.  After I returned to work, I started getting sick left and right.  I had Pharyngitis, and I was diagnosed with adult allergies.  My supervisor kept telling me to go home a lot.  When I eventually caved in, I got hit with a warning for taking too many sick days.  mMy father eventually passed away and I could not find adequate transportation back to work.  I got on short term disability, and I was told that my leave could last up to a year by the HR supervisor.  The head nurse Sallie Dicus kept pushing me to go for  long term disability even after I told her that no doctor would sign for it.  I saw a psychiatrist, and he stated that he would need to see me for a few months before he would sign anything.

My whole problem was the company I worked for would not make any good accommodations to help me continue with employment.  The company was perfectly capable of turning me into a mobile representative.  Due to a specific rule that says a rep needs to have all three skill levels to become mobile is ridiculous.  I had high marks on all my call reviews and was exceeding expectations.  The company should have met me halfway, but policy was policy and nothing could be done.

I'm grateful for the experience because it taught me how to stand up for myself.  I now know how to make quick and important decisions because of everything that transpired.  I have learned to take my power back.  This whole incident created my fear of working in corporations as a whole, but the only reason the fear existed was because I was too afraid to go to extremes to better my life. 

To add insult to injury,  I have taken a shadow job instead of going for the one that I really want.  The job that I have taken has a lot of similarities to the job that I really desire, but it's just not as good.  I had the idea that if I took one job that I could not have the other one.  However, I can always leave a job for the real one at any point.  I fear being locked into a contract, and not being able to escape.  The thing I need to understand is that I and always a free agent.  No one owns me whatsoever.  I can pick and choose how I run my life.  If a few bridges burn, then so be it.   There are plenty more bridges to be crossed. 

Freedom is the Greatest tool that Everyone can use

(This is another letter that I wrote to my father)

Dear father,

It has come to my attention that you and I still have some old baggage that we need to square away.  I am not mad at you that much anymore about everything that happened between us before you died.  I know that you grew up in fifties and sixties when society was trying to force uniformity onto every individual and business that existed at the time.  I learned from an Italian substitute teacher back in high school that around this time frame, a person’s work was more important than his or her safety.  I am sure that this extended to self-expression as well.  Uniformity was valued over individualism.  I am aware that my existence threw all of the values that were enforced in your day out the window.  I was born with Cerebral Palsy, which made my body different than the “standard” individual.  I had difficulties in adjusting to how society worked. 

I am sure that my transgender nature also came as a big shock to you.  The type of transformation that I went through was unheard of in your day.  People definitely did not openly express themselves in this manner fifty years ago.  I know that you thought the best thing for me was to do things the traditional way.  Your negative actions towards my self-expression were just your way of trying to make sure that I did not get hurt.  You were scared that I would become an outcast in society and ruin my life forever.  You thought I was just trying to challenge the status quo because I could. 

The information that was missing all of these years was the fact that you never felt as if you could express yourself freely.  This is why you and I would argue about the heat in the winter time.  You would always say “no one is going to tell me what to do in my own house.”  The anger that you showed towards me was because you thought I was taking away your form of self-expression.  This is also the reason that you could never sell the house we lived in together.  The house was your sense of freedom.  You could make your own rules and do things your way.  You felt inhibited in every place outside the home.  Even though you and I argued a lot, we both were fighting for the exact same thing.  We both wanted freedom from our inner turmoil.  You wanted freedom from the constraints that society placed on you long ago, and I wanted the freedom to use my own power the way that I saw fit. 

The thing that we did not realize was that we could have obtained our freedom long ago.  We let the conditioning of society get to us, and that is why we felt like we lived in some type of cage for most of our lives.  You could have opened up a business that revolved around something that you actually cared about.  Maybe you would have felt like you had freedom outside the home.  If I would have stood up for myself earlier in life and actually learned that I could do more things for myself than I was led to believe, then maybe I would not have hated you so bad when you were alive.  I felt like I had no freedom because I always needed help from everyone else.  The thing I learned since your death is that I do not need much help at all.  I pay all the bills on time, and I found out about Uber and Lyft.  I could have talked to you about getting a data plan for the phones in order to download the apps for both services, but I never did that.  I never brought up or forced the issue, so I did not get anything out of it. 

The events we shared together are all in the past now.  I plan to move farther away from the Baltimore area and create the life I want for myself.  The bank owns the house now, so I have to get out of it in the near future.  I no longer hold any grudges against you.  Become a soul that shines brightly in the universe and use the knowledge that you gained in our interactions to help others living or dead.  You taught me how to take my own power back.  I cannot pinpoint what you have learned from me, but I hope you learned that all the different ways an individual can express him or herself is important.  Individuals make up society, so when each person lives authentically, society as a whole becomes a little bit better over time.  

Finding your true Voice

Finding one’s own voice can be a difficult challenge to overcome.  It can be hard to tell if the conclusions that a person comes to are the right ones.  Listening to other people will most likely lead one astray from his or her own beliefs.  This is especially true when an individual is trying to achieve something that takes a group effort.  At the end of the day, each person has his or her own reasons for accomplishing the same goal.  This is what makes achieving something on a grand scale so challenging.    

I have difficulty finding my voice a good majority of the time.  This is because I want to make sure that I have everything straight before I start a venture of some kind.  The problem of trying to get everything right the first time is that change occurs as things progress.  It is nice to try to plan things out, but the trouble with this philosophy is that an individual can only plan a little ahead of time.  Perfectionism leads to procrastination.  Procrastination leads to missed opportunities, which in turn leads to despair and then silence.  A person has to learn to follow his or her dreams from the moment that he or she has these ideas.  Once the individual starts actually living authentically, then those with similar values and beliefs will start to appear.  If people waver in what they want to do, then this will lead to mixed results.  Their voices will not appear as strong because their beliefs have not been solidified. 

Speaking one’s truth means sticking by one’s guns regardless of what the outcome might be.  It means investing a good chunk of your own resources with the faith that everything will turn out alright.  I wavered too much in what I wanted to do with myself because I was afraid that things would not work out.  By not choosing a clear path, I actually made a situation that I am current facing a lot worse than it had to be.  I fell into despair about a week ago, and now I am trying to reclaim my voice once again.  I have a lot work that I need to do if I want to get where I want to go. 

When one uses his or her true voice fully one hundred percent of the time, then doors start to open for the individual.  When an individual uses his or her true voice only part of the time, then he or she will be headed towards a fall.  If one is going to go for something, then he or she needs do so with complete conviction without any regrets.  Success is something that is achieved.  It is not something given to those who lack the belief to take a big leap.          

A Helping Hand During Difficult Times

Life can sometimes throw people a curve ball that they do not see coming.  When this change occurs, everyone scrambles to put the pieces of their lives back together the way that they were before the change occurred.  The only problem with this is no one is supposed to go backwards in time.  Big changes happen in life that the individual can live more authentically than he or she has in the past.  Everyone is going to need advice on what to do during the transition from the old lifestyle to the new one.  Most people do not realize that they can receive guidance through numbers. 

The numbers 111, 222, and 333, are the most common numbers that people start seeing once they come to realization that there something beyond the physical realm exists.  There is usually a positive meaning associated with each of the numbers.  The number 111 can mean that one is synced up with the universe, or the individual is having are good ones.  He or she should explore those ideas further.  The number 222 can mean that one is living a balanced life.  This person is most likely cooperating well with others.  It can also indicate that an individual has a lot of faith in what in current events that are taking place.  The number 333 is associated higher spirits that might be surrounding the individual.  They could be sending love, encouragement, or new ideas.  Some claim that these higher spirits are angels. 

These numbers can also have a slightly different meaning than what has been stated above.  If an individual is falling away from the path that he or she is supposed to follow, these numbers can be seen as a warning to get back on track.  The number 111 can be a wakeup call to pay attention what is happening in one’s life.  The number 222 could indicate that one needs to have faith in the opportunities that are presenting themselves.  It could also mean that one needs to have more faith in him or herself.  The number 333 might be telling an individual try to balance the physical, mental, and spiritual areas of his or her life more effectively. 

Signs can come in any form.  They not have to be numerical at all.  A good way to see signs of what to do next is through every day conversations with other people.  One might disagree with the opinions of others, but pay attention to the topics that are discussed more than what positions the individuals hold.  These discussions will give a person an idea of where he or she should focus his or her attention to next. 

Everyone always has a helping hand available even when no one else is around to be of assistance from a physical standpoint.  All is that is required is for one to pay attention to his or her surroundings.  If one can look for meanings beyond his or her personal intentions, then bog transitions in life will not feel so terrible.  If an individual can stop forcing his or her agenda, then the right answer on how to proceed will eventually make itself known. 

Building a Healthier Future

The world today is extremely fast paced due to all the activities one schedules on a daily basis.  Because we live in a quantity over quality world, people tend to not take care of their health the way that they should.  This will eventually lead to the malfunction of the body.  Once the body starts to fail, then people will not be able live life to the fullest.

My health seems to get worse during the winter months.  My legs become stiffer, and I cannot walk very well.   Sometimes my lower back will hurt so bad that I will just stay in the bed the majority of the day.  I finally decided to do something about these negative conditions a few weeks ago.  I asked my primary doctor to give me a referral so I could go to physical therapy.  I figured that if I strengthened the muscles in the legs and lower back, then I might fare cold weather better in the future.

It felt odd to be in physical therapy once again.  The last time I was in any type of therapy relating to the physical body was after my last surgery in the summer of 2000.  I felt like I was putting on an old hat that I had not worn in years.  I was not sure how this was going to turn out.

The physician that I saw gave me standard exercises for my legs.  I had to move one leg at a time out to the side while on my back.  I had other exercises such as raising my legs in the air as well as toward my chest.  I also had a band tied around my legs and then had to move my legs in opposing directions to fight the resistance put on my lower extremities.

I started to feel the difference in my body after two therapy sessions.  My right hip did not crack as much.  My lower back seemed to be able to withstand some of the colder nights during early spring.  I also began to feel my own aura in my feet on a relatively regular basis.  The symptoms I experience due to having an inflamed pelvic floor did not seem as painful.  I started going to the bathroom more easily than I have in years.

If I would not have made time to go to physical therapy, then my health never would have improved at all.  Slowing one’s self down is a key component to improving one’s body and mind.    Nobody will ever accomplish anything in life by doing the bare minimum so that he or she can move on to the next thing.  Good health takes commitment and patience.  Without those two things, there will be no chance that an individual will improve his or her life.

Learning how to show Compassion

The world can sometimes be a very scary place to be.  A good part of the population is still stuck in survival mode, and this can lead to circumstances that would be very unpleasant to deal with.  On the other side of the coin, compassion is something that a lot of people seem to have forgotten about.  I also forgot about compassion as well during last night’s conference regarding getting a name or gender marker altered. 

The conference started inside a small room within the Chase Brexton healthcare facility in Baltimore City.  A person by the name of Monica stated that she does not trust any medical institution.  She thought that the medical was talking about her when she was unconscious from anesthesia.  Another individual who identified as a trans man told his story about working a job in the medical field.  He made sure that the doctors gendered people correctly.  A non-trans female lawyer also explained that she was at the conference in order to obtain information to serve her clients more efficiently.  Monica decided to start arguments with both lawyer, and the trans man.  She asked them both what they are doing here.  The lawyer explained once more that she was there to gather information to help her clients.  Monica did not like this answer.  She felt as though she was being observed and did not feel that was equal to the lawyer.  Monica also had an issue with the story the trans man gave regarding his experience in the working world.  In other words, the only thing Monica would have accepted for a legitimate answer would have been someone saying that he or she was at the conference to help takes steps to get his or her name or gender changed.  Back stories did not matter to this woman. 

I began to lose my cool on the inside as Monica berated these two individuals over and over about why there were at the conference in the first place.  I wished the host of the conference would have stood up and told Monica to stop, but she just sat there instead.  I could have voiced my opinion, but I did not want to add insult to injury.   The host probably thought the same thing. 

After the arguments were over, the conversation then turned to gender identification on medical forms that one receives in the waiting room of an office.  People were complaining about forms stating “female” and “trans female” instead of “cis female” and “trans female.  Certain people felt that this was an injustice to the transgender population.  One person thought that the different boxes on the forms forced people to indicate how they perceive their bodies.  It just amazed me that no one brought up the fact that transition is more of an internal movement than an external one.  No one talked about what they learned from transition so far.  It was always about others people’s perception of who they were.  Transition is about the journey to express one’s inner nature.  I felt like I did not belong at this conference.

After the conference was over, I went to the diner in my neighborhood to try to raise my spirit.  This helped a little bit, but it took about five more hours before I was able to get the whole incident out of my head.  I did not sleep at all during the night.

 

I thought the whole conference was about helping others with changing one’s name or gender marker.  I came to the meeting to tell my story about changing both of these things.  I hoped to inspire others with my words, but this did not happen.  I was the one who was taught something in the end.  I did not see the conference this way immediately after it was over.  The universe was teaching me how to have compassion for others who were less fortunate than I was.  If someone told me three years ago that transition was a journey from the inside out, I probably would not have paid attention to a word that this person was saying.  I too was stuck on physical and vocal changes for a long time, and I would not have been able to see the bigger picture.  I have to remember that I was once where some the people at the conference are now.  I wish I would have had this in mind before I went to the conference. 

The reason that I had no knowledge of being taught a lesson was because I absorbed the negative energy that Monica was sending out.  I let her rampage on two other people affect my mood.  This in turn lowered my vibration.  I began to think solely of my needs just as she was doing.  This is why I was not able to see what was really going on in the conference.  Monica controlled everything, and no one did anything to stop it.  This includes me as well.  If I would have stood up to her and changed the topic, then I might have been able to raise the vibration of the rest of the room.  I was somewhat of being physically assaulted, so I did not say anything.  I had an opportunity to change things for the better, but I decided to give into fear instead. 

Now that I realize that I actually do absorb the energy of others, I can then take more constructive measures to protect myself in the future.  I now know how to handle myself in an environment where low vibrations are dominant.  I also understand that I need to show more compassion to those who cannot see the good in the world.  I need to remember that I was not always as optimistic about my life when I was younger.  I was able to pick up on Monica’s vibration right after she opened her mouth.  I should have showed compassion towards her from the start.  I guess the night was not a complete waste.  I might have failed to inspire others, but I learned something about myself in the process.  

Becoming a Victim to your own Emotions

Emotions can sometimes make people do crazy things.  This is especially true when one is a seemingly bad situation.  I became a victim to my negative emotions this passed Friday, and the results were not good at all. 

I have been trying to find a new place to live for about nine months.  The property I live in now is up for short sale and could face foreclosure at the end of April of this year.  I have a condition known as Cerebral Palsy, so it is hard for me to find a place that is in a fair price range and will suit my needs.  I cannot do steps that well, and this would make doing a simple task such as washing clothes almost impossible without a washer and dryer close by. 

I finally found a place in the same town where I live currently.  The apartment was all on one level and included a washer and dryer all for the price of $1169.  That amount would have been difficult for me to afford, but it was the only game in town.  I knew I had to be out my current place as soon as possible.  I decided to go up to the complex and see if there were any addition details regarding the apartment. 

I tried calling for an Uber, and the first person that was supposed to pick me up cancelled the ride.  I should have taken this as a sign that none of what I was about to do would lead to a good ending, but I was too “determined” to listen to the signs that surrounded me.  I called another Uber driver and went down to the apartment complex.  When I arrived, I walked up and down the parking lot trying to find a ramp to get up on the sidewalk.  This was the second sign that the apartment was not the right place for me.  ”Coincidentally,” someone from the leasing office came out of the building and helped me up the sidewalk as well as the steps to the front door. The personnel inside ran the necessary processes to get me approved for the apartment.  They wanted my social security card due to an issue that was present in their system.  One of the ladies at the office offered to drive me home so that I would save on the cost of calling for an Uber ride.  I gave her my social security card, and she told me that she would back in just a little while after everything had been completed.  I should not have loaned my card to someone I barely knew, but there were not a whole lot of options available, so I decided to take a risk.  I knew I had to get out of my old place before the bank forces me to leave.  I got a call an hour later from the complex asking if I had any other identification outside of my state ID.  I told the person who called that I changed my name almost two years ago.  She wanted me to bring up my name change papers.  I waited two more hours for the woman that drove me home to bring back my card.  She never did come back to my place to explain what was happening.  I decided to cancel everything out then and there.  I called the leasing office back to tell them not to give me the place due to all the issues it was having with my info.  There was obviously something wrong somewhere along the line.  The person I spoke to on the phone said that the office put my social security card in the mail.  I got mad because no one called me to explain the change in plan. 

I took another Uber ride up to the apartment complex.  The Uber driver ended up heading down the wrong road, and I spent more money for that particular ride.  I went up to the office before the mail was taken out.  I got my card back and called for another Uber ride.  The rate for this ride was 1.2 times the normal rate due to a shortage of drivers during hectic business hours.  I was only going down the street to my favorite restaurant.  It was only about a mile down the street, and I ended up paying $7.20 for that ride.  I had to get out of the complex parking lot because the rental office was closing in an hour.  I did not have a choice in the matter.  I did not have the opportunity to wait for until the regular rate was available again.    

If I would have just sat home that day, then all of the issues I faced could have been avoided.  I would not have learned about the red flag on my name, so I guess I learned something from the experience after all.  I wasted a lot time, energy and money when everything would have remained fine if I would have paid attention to the first two signs that told me to avoid the complex altogether. 

I went out to the diner again last night, and I saw a sign for a disability expo regarding independent living in an area that is close to me.  The sign was posted at the end of the road just before going on entrance ramp to the highway.  I then saw a commercial for the expo on Youtube before watching a video later on that night.  This could be a sign that I might find what I am looking for at this expo. 

I learned a valuable lesson this passed Friday.  I cannot let my feelings about a current situation control the actions that I take.  If something is not right, then it is not right regardless of what other external circumstances are happening around me.  I tried my best, and that is what counts.  If the worst ends up happening, then I will just have to deal with it when the time comes.  I tried my best to do things in a practical manner, and I failed.  I can only take things one day at a time.  I need to let situations come to end naturally instead of using force.  There is obviously something bigger taking place outside of this whole ordeal with housing.  All I can do is make better choices in the future.

A Positive Approach to Fighting for Transgender Rights

The dust has settled in regards to Donald Trump’s ruling on the rights of transgender individuals.  I already spoke about how this outcome could potentially affect business owners as well as everyone else.  Now I want to speak about the steps transgender individuals can take in order fight back against an unjust president. 

The first step that should be undertaken is to get all of one’s legal matters straightened out as soon as possible.  It is understandable that some states still make it difficult for those who wish to change their names and gender markers on documents that show identification.  An individual should do what he or she can to get everything changed before the laws get any worse.  Pressure can be good thing sometimes because it forces people to be vigilant about what they truly care about.  My job is what prompted me to legalize the changes that I was making.  If the pressure from my employer had not pushed me to live more authentically, then I might have still been too afraid to have done anything at all. 

The next step that one can take that one can take to combat Trump’s reversal of rights is to join groups in different fields of knowledge.  Marches are not going to do too much except express outrage and anger.  Joining groups in the legal, medical, and technological fields would be a better use of people’s time and resources.  Getting everyone’s stories out there in order to educate other will be a more tactful way that the transgender population can get all of their rights returned to them. 

The most crucial step that needs to be taken to ensure that laws regarding rights will include everyone is to stop fighting one another.   Some transgender people within the community like to police others on how to transition in the “proper” fashion.  No one needs to be fighting one another about who is truly transgender.  Everyone is in this together.  Transgender is an umbrella term.  This term includes crossdressers, drag queens, genderqueer, agender, bigender, transsexuals, and androgynous people.  One size does not fit all in the case of transgenderism.  There is no such thing as being “truly trans.”  People are either transgender, or they are not.  It is as simple as that.  The degree might vary from one person to another, but there is no such thing as being a fake transgender individual. 

If the entire country can begin to follow these three steps, then there will be no foothold for Trump’s ruling to take root.  The ruling will only have power if we remain divided as a nation.  If everyone comes together, then nothing negative will be able to have an impact on anyone.  Every person can choose what his or her destiny will be.  The hard part is having enough courage to stand by one’s convictions.    

Gender Confusion: Retold

Being transgender is one of the hardest obstacles to overcome in today’s society.  The transformation that one goes through is no small feat by any means.  One puts everything at risk when he or she decides that transition is for him or her.  The individual’s inner world will have to be expressed.  This information will be judge by someone in the medical field.  The key to a successful transition is to take things one step at a time.

The feeling that I was transgender did not start until I was around fifteen years of age.  Before this, I identified as a gender congruent male.  For whatever reason, my brain decided it would be a cool idea to try on opaque hosiery sometime during puberty.  I never actually accomplished this goal until much later.  The idea remained a fantasy for quite some time.  I never actually told anyone in person about my desires until the summer of 2002.  While I was in the shower, this individual put a skirt and top on my bed as a joke.  The only thing that this person did not realize was that she was the one being fooled.  When I got out of the shower, I saw the clothes and tried them on to see if they would fit.  Once I told the individual that brought out the clothes for me to find, she let me keep them. 

Around the spring of 2003, my desires went beyond just wearing women’s clothes.  I actually wanted to be seen as a girl in everyday life.  I had no idea where this thought came from.  I did not know what to do with this new found idea.  I developed a sense of jealousy towards the girls in my school.  I wanted to be as they were, but I knew that I could not achieve this goal no matter how hard that I tried. 

During the winter of 2004, I decided that it was time to start developing my voice.  I did not practice very often.  I only practiced for about an hour every night.  I eventually gave up after three weeks of practice because I still was not one hundred percent sure that I was indeed a transsexual.

I then decided that even if I were a woman at birth, I probably would not have been that different anyway.  That is when I started identifying as genderless individual.  This only lasted for a little over a year.  It was probably just an effort to reduce to my dysphoria.  I did not realize that my gender issues would be back stronger than ever when they surfaced once again.    

During the spring of 2007, my dysphoria returned to the forefront of my mind.  I became upset about being a guy.  I then went searching for information on the Internet regarding transsexualism.  I eventually found the huge trans community that existed on Youtube.  I ended up receiving a private message from someone in regards to a comment I had left on a video.  She and I became great friends.  This individual also became my twenty four hour therapist. 

For the next four years, I kept going back and forth on whether I was truly trans or not.  This was a very dark period in my life.  I could not find any logical reason as to why I felt fine as a male for fifteen years of my life, and then suddenly feel negative about my gender for the second half of my life.  I got so depressed about not being able to figure this out that I once said that I wanted to suck all the sin out of the world and then die.  I never had a strong Christian upbringing, so it is interesting that I used the word “sin” instead of “evil.” 

During the spring of 2011 is when I finally decided that I was going to transition.  I figured out that I would never know one hundred percent if transition was right for me until I decided to go for it.  I did not have that much to lose in the first place.  I was not close to anyone in my family outside of the immediate members.  I did not have a whole lot of close friends left.  They had all moved to another state at this point in their lives.  I did not have a job at this point, so it would have been impossible to any type of employment.  The only thing holding me back was my own doubt. 

The first step I took in my transition was to develop a female voice.  I did not have any money to do anything else.  You do not need money in order to work on a voice.  Voice surgery is just expensive garbage that does not yield positive results the majority of the time.  Why pay for something that you can achieve yourself? 

The first thing I did in regards to developing a female voice was talk to my friend from Youtube.  I also downloaded a spectrogram as well as virtual voice tuner.  I learned that the female voice is between 200-230 hertz while voices are between 100-120 hertz.  Raising the pitch up to the female range was not super difficult.  Finding the correct resonance for the female voice is the challenging part.  Females have less of a bass in their voices, but the trick is not getting rid of the bass completely.  The female voice is just less of the male voice.  In order to achieve the female resonance, one needs to tighten up the base of her through and then relax enough in order to project her voice loud enough to be heard.  It is easier to show how this is done than the written word can do to explain the process.  There was a content creator on Youtube that showed the breathing exercises that she used.  I learned where the female resonance was located by breathing in through my mouth and nose at the same time.  By doing this, one will hear the breath inside her own head.  Everyone has heard her voice inside her own head before.  If one has ever been to the mountains or inside of a pool, then chances are that her ears have popped while she was in the middle of a conversation.  This can also occur after an individual yawns.  Immediately after she starts to speak, the voice will be in her head and then the ears pop.  Hearing the breath inside of one’s head is similar to those instances.  When words are spoken, the throat needs to remain someone tightened but loose enough to be projected.  When I first learned how to speak in a more feminine voice, I fell victim to the same issue that every other transsexual does when developing her voice.  I was too scared to relax my throat enough to allow my full voice to be heard.  This made things sound off.  I did not like the sound of my voice at all.  After I practiced for several months, I realized that I no longer needed to breathe through my nose in order to help tighten up throat.  I learned how to tighten my throat and just breathe in through my mouth.  Melodic intonation is the final step in achieving a female voice.  I used the Harvard Sentences in order to learn how to speak like the majority of women in today’s society.  I just downloaded a few sample files from the Internet.  The first sentence is the one I practiced the most.  This sentence read, “The birch canoe slid under the smooth planks.”  I must have recorded this sentence at least fifty times or more. 

During April of 2012, I scheduled a voice consultation with the legendary Andrea James.   I was shocked to learn that I was rather advanced in my voice progression.  I still did not like the sound of my voice, but I would have to learn to accept it as time pushed forward. 

In May of 2013, I finally obtained a job out in the work force.  I was a call center representative at my local electric utility company.  I had to go back to using my male voice for the majority of each day.  I still kept up with my voice practices at night.  Throughout the next year and a half, I noticed that my male voice had changed somehow.  While trying to speak with more melodic intonation to customers in my male voice, I realized that I was going up into the female register without even trying.  The customers never said a word about the change in pitch and resonance.  They were too busy complaining about how I sounded like a foreigner.  I was born and raised in the Baltimore area, so I have no idea why others thought I was Chinese or Jamaican.

During April of 2015, I decided to come out to my supervisor at work.  She found out from the human resources department that I would need to have my name legally changed in order to present as female.  I still had to use the men’s bathroom until my name was officially changed by a judge.  The people I would run into within the bathroom were starting to ask me if I belonged in there.  I told my supervisor as well as my human resources representative about the issue, but there was nothing anyone could do until my name change was finalized. 

The name change process is not that difficult in the state of Maryland.  Only three sheets of paperwork are required to change one’s name.  I had to fill out the petition for a name change in the most princess like handwriting possible.  I then had to fill out the paper to publish my name change in a local paper.  I then filled out part of the order for a name change that the judge would approve.  The total cost for everything came to about seventy two dollars.  The judge denied the order the first time due to my bad handwriting.  I went up to the courthouse the following week and got everything resolved.  I had someone assist me on how I could make my handwriting more legible. 

My name was legally changed as of July 31, 2015.  I was finally able to present as female at work two weeks later.  My human resources representative held mini meetings within the call center.  I did not particularly care for the presentation regarding the overview of transgenderism, but the meetings were not God awful by any stretch of the imagination.  I should have been the one to give my own presentation.  None of my co-workers showed any ill will towards me after I transitioned.  One girl hugged in the bathroom because she had an uncle that went through a gender transition as well 

Living as a transsexual has not been too horrible.  I still get misgendered from time to time, but that does not bother me as much anymore.  I know what I have been through to get where I am today, and that is all that matters.  I no longer need anyone else’s approval to be who I am.  My thoughts are what brought me to the choices that I have made over the course of my life.  Just because someone else has a different idea about how another individual should live does not make his or her perception more accurate by any means.  Everyone makes correct choices most of the time, but the consequences do not always look how he or she thinks it should.  The only poor choice that one can make is to think about negative situations that have not arisen or to choose to be so afraid of making the wrong choice that he or she does nothing at all.  I chose to do something about the discomfort that I had with my gender.  I ended up smelling like a rose in the end.  Anyone can come up on the positive side of a situation as long as he or she keeps pushing forward.  As long as a person remains active towards some end, then it will be impossible for the individual to lose.   

  

Living by Your own Rules

There seems to be a lot of confusion around the meaning of spirituality in recent times.  When most people hear the word spirituality, they automatically assume that it has something to do with organized religion or a creed of some sort.  Spirituality does not have to be associated with rules of any kind whatsoever.  Spirituality is the essence that causes the physical body to take action.  The only reason anyone takes action with his or her body is due to ideas or thoughts that are expressed within the mind.  If spirituality had to be tied down to something specific, then it most likely would be synonymous with thought forms. 

When an individual engages in a soul centered existence, all this means is that he or she living according to his or her own thoughts while avoiding the directives that society tries to impose on him or her.  When one functions in this way, he or she tends to worry a lot less about absolutely everything.  The individual begins to enjoy life a lot more than a person who succumbs to the pressure of the expectations set forth by those who want to uphold the status quo.  When one focuses on what he or she loves to do, life becomes a lot simpler and less stressful.  Negative emotions will only lead to a person making a decision using clouded judgment.  The consequence for this judgment call will attract more negativity towards the individual.  Positive emotions lead to clearer judgment calls that will attract more positivity in the future. 

As long as an individual follows his or her own path in life, then he or she cannot lose.  No one needs a list of rules in order to guide him or her to the right decision because all of the major negative actions can be felt using intuition.  When an individual is about to kill someone else, he or she will surely waver back and forth about performing the act.  His or her stomach will start hurting and possibly tense up.  When one is spiritual, he or she begins to listen to his or her intuition about what actions need to be taken in order to be happy.  There is no rulebook regarding spirituality.  As long as one lives authentically then he or she is living a spiritual life.    

A Different Perspective on Living Life

Everyone goes through major changes at some point in his or life.  These changes can bring extreme challenges when they first begin.  The difficulty in facing the challenges is not always a material one.  Sometimes the challenges reside in a new way of living that one might not think is possible.  The majority of people on this planet live according to immediate desires.  They want to receive instant gratification for their actions.  This is known as personality centered living.  Life is lived through the ego alone.  There is another way of living that is much for fulfilling.  This type of living is known as soul centered living. 

Many people tend to put a lot of energy into things that do not please them.  This can be anything at all.  One might hate his or her living arrangement or job.  The only thing most people do not realize is that each of us has the power to change anything in our lives.  Instead of focusing a lot of energy on fear and what one does not want to happen, one can put their attention on positive things and what he or she does want to happen.  Focusing on something that one does want will change the way events play out in his or her life.  In other words, everybody has the ability to create our own reality. 

The first step to changing one’s reality is for the individual to change his or her thoughts.  Thoughts are a form of energy.  The more we focus on a given idea, the more energy it has to take shape.  If a person continues to focus on what he or she does not desire, then that thought form will have huge amount of energy to come to fruition.  The more an individual focuses on what he or she does want, then that particular thought form will eventually have enough energy to manifest in the physical world.  The more that one lives in accordance with what he or she enjoys, then the easier it will be to live a soul centered life.  One will be able find his or her life purpose a lot faster, then if he or she focuses on fear. 

The negative side of the ego is based off of fear.  This negative attribute tends drive people to make bad choices that might sound smart at first glance.  All the energy put into that one decision causes other things that are similar in nature to attract to the individual.  There is no reason for the ego to try to keep everything the exact same all the time when a person is living his or her life purpose.  The ego is free to focus on maintaining a positive outlook.  The positive energy will then start attracting more positive experiences.  The individual will not need to worry about how he or she stacks up against everyone else.  The only thing that the individual will need to pay attention to is his or her main goal for this lifetime.  Everything else does not matter anymore.  Will there still be difficult times in life?  The answer is going to be yes.  If one is living a soul centered existence, then he or she will eventually learn how to make the best out of a situation that is not so pleasant. 

At the end of the day, everyone has the free will to choose how he or she wants to live.  One can choose to continue living in a fear based manner.  As stated earlier, this will lead towards attracting things that might not be so great.  If an individual chooses to live with a more optimistic outlook, then positive experiences will not be too far away.  A person can either live for others by competing for the good graces of someone else that will decide the worth of the individual, or he or she can live for his or herself by deciding his or her own worth.  There is only one real question in life.  Do I value the voices of others more than I value my own inner voice?  Once this choice is made, then every other decision stems from the answer. 

Fragile Ego

The ego can be a very illusive part of an individual.  People have a tendency to speak of another person’s ego in the arrogant sense of the word.  The particular individual thinks too highly of him or herself.  The ego can also lean towards the other extreme known as self-loathing.  This is when the particular individual thinks poorly of him or herself.  There is not a whole lot of discussion about people who take on the ego of others.

I was born with a condition known as Cerebral Palsy.  Because of this birth defect, my mother did not think I could do anything by myself.  I did not learn how to wipe my butt while going number two until the age of ten.  I basically saw myself the way my mother saw me.  I thought I could not do much of anything without any type of assistance.  My mother was always too afraid to let me do anything by myself, and I ended up absorbing this perception as my ego.  I did not start trying new things on my own until she passed away. 

My father valued both money and career.  He did not put much value in anything else besides those two things.  I ended up getting a job at my local utility company as a call center representative.  This company held the same values as my father.  I had to answer calls as fast as possible so that the statistics for the day would remain positive.  I ate unhealthy foods and stressed myself out when I failed to meet monthly quotas.  Once I started to have thoughts about doing others things besides working in a call center, I thought I was going insane, and I eventually sought out therapy.  The reason I had difficulty accepting my own thoughts was because I absorbed the perception of my father as well as the utility company. 

I am now starting to develop an authentic sense of self for the first time in my life.  I am quite a peaceful individual.  I do not worry about things nearly as much now that I have stopped trying to live up to other people’s expectations.  My main goal right now is to continue developing my own sense of self.  I am tired of absorbing the perceptions of others.  I want to have my own perception of who I am as a person .  I already know how everyone else sees me as well as the world.  Now it is time for me to ask how I see myself as well and the world. 

I guess the ego really is the most fragile aspect of a human being.  If the ego can change itself without much effort in order to fit in better with everyone else, then clearly the ego is supposed to be used to as a tool to fulfill of something higher than itself.  My ultimate task in this incarnation is to live a more soul centered existence.  As long as I follow my path, then I will not have a reason to absorb energies from anything else.