Does Hard Work Always Pay Off?

As the saying goes "hard work always pays off."  Modern society has this notion that if you suffer through something long enough, then the golden nugget will eventually choose you worthy of having all that you desire.  Here is a question for this philosophy.  If hard work pays off, then why aren't more people happy?  Even after the "desired" result achieved, people are still not content and want more.  The answer to this question is not easily found.

The thing that people miss in achieving what they want is that they believe that their pain will be relieved once the specific result has come to pass.  When people do not feel satisfied with getting the thing they wanted, a common statement from others is "you are never happy with anything."  "Maybe it is not what you really wanted."  Is this really the case?  From my experience, neither one of these are true.  No one is angry about not getting that promotion or that the beach property they moved to is not as good as it seemed when they planned everything out.  People are mad because their internal pain still exists even after they put in "all that work" regardless of the result.  What people are angry about is that they did not find a more enjoyable way to achieve their goals.  Enjoyment or fun is doing something for the sake in itself and not for a means to an end.  In other words, most if not all causes of anger all boils down to not knowing how to achieve goals by taking actions done for the sake of themselves and not as a means to an end.  Happiness is doing something for the sake in itself and anger is doing something for a means to an end.

Most people live a means to an end lifestyle.  We all went to college in order for the promise of a better job.  Then when people get out of college, they complain about the job they have.  They keep thinking that "someday," my hard work will pay off, and I will live "the life."  The work is done and "the life" finally becomes a reality, but the person is still unhappy.  He or she is mad because the end result did not relieve his or her pain from all the "work" that was completed.  One would argue that the individual's expectations were too high and that the pain would not have been so great if he or she just expected less.  Expecting less just means that you anticipate disappointment before even setting out for the goal that is trying to be reached.  Disappointment is just a lesser degree of anger.  The person is saying that he or she will not like any process used to achieve the goal.

Everything comes back to process and self worth.  People always say that something is not worth the "effort," "time," "work," or "aggravation."  Here is the issue with this statement.  It puts the worth on something else other than yourself.  In other words, it is like saying "I do not value myself enough to find a process that I can do for the sake of itself in order to achieve my goals."

Enjoyment of the process is what brings happiness to most if not all people.  When people reach goals by doing thing for the sake in of themselves and not for a means to an end, then not achieving the goal by a specific time is not met with anger.  The journey we take to the end goal is more important than the end goal itself.  This last line is a bit cliche, but it is true.  The process matters more because when choose the process of how we obtain our goals, we are putting the value back on ourselves and not on something else.

The Truth About Job Security

Career and financial securities are probably a top priority for a lot of people.  Everyone wants to know that they will be taken care of all the time.  The old saying goes, “you might be ok with your job, but is your job ok with you?”  Everyone has heard this in one form or another at some point in his or her life.  In could not be further from the truth.

I recently had a position at Toyota Financial Services.  I was a customer representative for the lease end department.  I spoke to people about their excessive wear and use bills along with disposition fees.  I have worked in call centers before, so the complaints about how much things cost were nothing new to me.  My supervisor stated that he needed to do some side by sides with me so he could get a better picture of how I handle customers.  It took him two weeks to sit down with me during four phone calls to make sure I was doing everything right.  I had already been taking calls for a month before this transpired.  This was one of the telltale signs that told me the job I was doing was not the right one for me.  I would sometimes stare out the window and look at the shining its bright light on everything in sight.  I would think to myself, “wouldn’t it be awesome if I could be out in the sun right now instead taking calls from customers that ultimately do not want to pay their bill no matter how little money is owed.  This was another sign that the job I was doing was not in my best interest whatsoever.  I use Uber and Lyft quite often to get myself back and forth from place to place.  I started to get picked up from drivers who “used” to work at Toyota Financial themselves.  This was not only an indicator that I was in the wrong job, but that my time as a customer service representative would come to an end shortly. 

A few weeks after the events described above came and went, I was let go from my position at Toyota Financial Services.  I was not let go due to performance issues.  I was ok with my job for the most part, but my job was not ok with me.  If this were the case, then I would still be there now taking the exact same calls over and over again.  I saw all the signs telling me to get out, but I did not think that my time would come so soon.  The reason given for my termination was because I was absent too many times within a short period.  I was only out three times within two months. 

What I learned is that there is no such thing as external security.  It is up to the individual to be secure in his or her own decisions.  What may seem secure may disintegrate in the blink of an eye.  There is no point in holding yourself back in life due to the false sense of security that something else may bring an individual.  Everyone secures themselves by committing to their decisions.  That is the only security one has in life anyway.  We can only secure the choices that we make.  Everything else is always up in the air.        

What Fear Really Means

When a person decides to engage in something, he or she usually does this based on how much fear is present within him or herself.  Everyone speaks of fear as if it is multifaceted in some way.  There is only one fear, but the human mind puts labels on what that one fear is for the individual.  No one is actually afraid of anything itself.  What people fear the most is the perceived lack of knowledge of how things will work out.

The human mind loves being guaranteed something.  The guarantee eases us into believing that we have knowledge of how a situation will work out.  No one actually fears lack of money, home, friends, or relationships.  What these fears are is actually just the feeling of not having the knowledge of how things will fall into place.  What actually leads to negative situation is when people try to control everything in their lives so that nothing bad happens.  The more that a person tries to make something happen a certain way, the harder it usually ends up being for him or her. 

I have been dealing with lack of knowledge issues myself in recent times.  My whole world changed completely in March of this year.  I got a new job working for Toyota Financial Services.  Three weeks after I landed this job, I scored a job interview in my desired city of Phoenix Arizona three weeks later.  I took my chances and flew out there for the interview.  I never had been to Phoenix before, but I have been doing a lot of research about the area because I plan to move there by the end of June.  Yes, I put my current job at risk in order to achieve something better.  It turns out that the job was not quite up to par with what I had been told over the phone.  I ended up not getting the job anyway.  I was not too crushed because deep inside I knew I was worth more.  Did fear pop up and make me wonder I was going to make my move happen since I did not have all the information?  Yes it did.  I will succumb to it from time to time.  All fear does is keep a person from moving forward.  The individual keeps beating to the same old drum, and he or she gets stuck in a loop.

I then had an opportunity to go to Maui for a mindset workshop.  Getting a plane ticket to Maui is not cheap on an income of $17 an hour, but I did it anyway.  The decision to take this trip was up in the air for a couple of days.  I wrestled with this decision for a lot of hours before deciding that I wanted to change my life once and for all.  I wavered back and forth on this decision because I feared the lack knowledge that of how things will turn out.  I still remain uncertain even now about how everything will be paid for as far the entire event is concerned, but all I can do is live an authentic life and have faith that something will pull through before everything takes place.  I invested all the resources I had into traveling and changing my life around for the better.  All I can really do at this point is let my investment work for me. 

Due to changing my priorities, I lost my position at Toyota Financial Services.  This made me doubt everything I invested in up into this point.  My mind went into a loop, and I thought all of my decisions were garbage.  In actuality, all that really happened is that a new road opened up for me.  In order to go down this new road, I had to put on my turn signal and get off the old road so that I could travel on the new one.  My bank account at a glance looks a lot smaller than it did a few weeks ago, but this is not the case.  I have not allowed the money I invested to finish working for me in order to bring a greater amount of return.  Most people would say that I do not have money right now, but that is because my money all tied up in investments.  Do I feel comfortable about this all the time?  The short answer is no.  Do I still fear the lack of knowledge regarding all of these investments?  The answer is yes.  The only thing is that I have to go through with it anyway because a better life awaits me on the other side of this perceived lack of knowledge. 

There is no trick to winning against the one and only fear.  The goal is not to make the fear less prevalent, but to make one’s desire to live their truth stronger than the lack of knowledge. Once a person’s desire to live his or her truth is big enough to make the lack of knowledge seem small, then he or she will see that fear is just an illusion that was created by the mind.     

Independence is a Nightmare

Taking big leaps in life can be difficult for absolutely everyone.  They can be devastating for those who have never lived independently at any point during his or her life.  Independence is a freeing experience, but it means that the illusions one might have lived under are now gone.  One finally realizes the weight of every decision he or she makes. 

I lived a sheltered life when I was younger due to being born with Cerebral Palsy.  My mother did not let me do anything by myself.  She always insisted on helping me with absolutely everything.  I never learned how to do basic things like dressing myself, going number two, and tying shoes until much later in my childhood than most other people. 

My father saw me as a source of pride.  He was proud of me for graduating college.  This was not for my sake.  It was for bragging rights on how well his bloodline was doing.  I had to do everything the way my father wanted without question.  Every time I would fight him on something, he would bring up the fact that he paid for my college education. My father also helped me get from place to place since I could not drive.

My job mimicked the relationship that my father and I shared.  I was told what to do and when.  I spoke to people on the phone using a script template helping them with their unpaid bills.  The only thing was that most people did not really want help understanding anything.  All they wanted to do was complain about why they could not work or whine about every minor tax charge on the bill.  The customers would ask what all of the tax charges meant.  I hated explaining every minor tax charge because there really was not a straight answer what each tax item.  I wanted to tell these people that taxes are part of life and to stop nickel and diming everything. Maybe they would they would get somewhere in life is they actually put effort towards something productive instead of arguing taxes that add up to a dollar on the second page of a bill.  I actually failed a call one time just because I politely told a customer that the reason that his was high was because he had not payment on it in five months.  I was told that I should have told him about energy saving tips instead.  Each individual bill was not high so telling the customer about the energy tips would have been incorrect information. 

After my father passed away last year, I felt free for the first time in my life.  I could actually do what I wanted.  I started studying a lot as well as writing.  I had started a youtube channel a few years earlier and went back and forth on whether I should continue making videos.  I thought that I would eventually find my way if I followed my passions to a degree.  Now everything has come crashing down. I lost my job, my doctor, my family, and my home.  I never had anything in my name before my father passed away, so organizations including homeless shelters will not help me.  I still have not narrowed down what I want to do with my life.  I do not know how to take steps to write for a living or counsel others.  I do not have the money for school.  Due to transportation restrains, I cannot afford to travel far away for job interviews.  I majored in philosophy when I went to college and graduated with Bachelor’s degree in Liberal Arts.  I decided to go into philosophy because I was bad at both math and science.  I lack practical skills outside Microsoft Office.  I do not perform well in fast paced environments.  Due to not being able to drive, my chances of being promoted to a high position by a company are rather slim.  Corporations want people that can adapt to new situations immediately.

Since I have lost everything in the area I am living now, I decided that the best course of action is to move far away.  I kept getting blocked from getting a place in the Baltimore area, so I took that as a sign that I should not be here anymore.  I do not know how to take steps to move somewhere else, and I cannot get help from anyone else because everyone I know is living in survival mode and feel that they cannot sustain themselves if they are not working at their jobs 24/7. 

I have begun to wonder if counseling others and writing is what I truly want to do, or is it something that seems desirable because it is better than call center work.  What if somehow I found a practical application for writing and counseling, but ended up hating it?    It does not seem like I will actually get the chance to see if that is true or not since I cannot figure out how to actually make money doing what I say I like to do.  Most of the daily grind jobs out there right now are customer service or sales jobs that pay less than where I was employed.  If my soul screamed like a banshee for me to get out of my current job, then why is it being so coy about what I should do next with my life?  When things are not going the way the universe wants, it will make a person ill so he or she will slow down and focus on other things, but when the individual does not know the steps to take, the universe only gives out small hints on what to do.  How did I get too sensitive to work in a call center in the first place?  I worked for two years without a problem, and then all the sudden, everything about the place bothered me to no end.  I also got sick a lot as well. 

I am not trying to state that the universe is against me, but I feel as though it is having its cake and eating it too.  It tells me in a sharp manner to head a different direction than the one that I have been going towards, but then it uses the “free will” card when it comes to what I should do next.  Where are all the theatrics and light shows when it comes to my new path?  Where was the “free will” card before I started having lucid dreams and incidents of sickness telling me to go in a different direction?  As I stated earlier I worked at the call center years without much of a problem.  I was fine with the job back then.  I never asked to have lucid dreams.  I did not know that lucid dreaming was possible, nor did I attempt to have a lucid dream.  Where was my   Now I have to get a similar job to what I just had that will pay a lot less.  Then when I do not have time to engage in my passions, the universe will once again come up on me and make me sick all.  I will be back to square one.

I do not know how to finish the cycle I am in right now.  I do not know how to meet my needs in a way that is actually beneficial to my sense of self.  I get thrusted in this new direction with no clarity about how to navigate.  I learned a lot of things and met many great people, but all of this does not help me manifest what I want in a practical way.  I have a lot of obstacles in my way that I do not know how to overcome by myself without help.  I have already asked help from others numerous times and was turned away. 

I do not understand how the universe expects me to be this independent right out of the gate.  People usually have to learn the ropes before they can do everything by themselves.  I am not completely in the dark.  I know how to take care of daily practical matters, but I am being asked to figure everything out myself even though the obstacles I face can only be overcome by multiple people.  I am just beginning to do things on my own, so why am I facing challenges that somebody with twenty years of experience of being independent would have a tough time handling?  I have asked the spirit world for help as well, but all I ever see is mixes 1s and 7s, 3s and 7s, 4s and 7s, and 1s and 6s.  The first three mixed numbers indicate that I am headed in the right direction.  The last number means to ask for help from others in regards to a material situation.  I am not going to count the times that I have asked for help and was turned down. 

I have done everything that I can possibly think of at this point.  The only thing I have not done is look how to ship my belongings across the country.  I will probably try that next.  My life in Baltimore is pretty over at this point, and staying that much longer would just be procrastinating the inevitable.  If there is not anything here, then that is it.  Under normal circumstances, one needs to plan out a big move, but all the events that have taken place are hardly traditional by any stretch of the imagination.  I am just going to have to figure out how to use my newly found sensitive and my writing skills as I go along.  I am not a huge fan of this approach, but it is all that I have as of right now.           

Freedom is the Greatest tool that Everyone can use

(This is another letter that I wrote to my father)

Dear father,

It has come to my attention that you and I still have some old baggage that we need to square away.  I am not mad at you that much anymore about everything that happened between us before you died.  I know that you grew up in fifties and sixties when society was trying to force uniformity onto every individual and business that existed at the time.  I learned from an Italian substitute teacher back in high school that around this time frame, a person’s work was more important than his or her safety.  I am sure that this extended to self-expression as well.  Uniformity was valued over individualism.  I am aware that my existence threw all of the values that were enforced in your day out the window.  I was born with Cerebral Palsy, which made my body different than the “standard” individual.  I had difficulties in adjusting to how society worked. 

I am sure that my transgender nature also came as a big shock to you.  The type of transformation that I went through was unheard of in your day.  People definitely did not openly express themselves in this manner fifty years ago.  I know that you thought the best thing for me was to do things the traditional way.  Your negative actions towards my self-expression were just your way of trying to make sure that I did not get hurt.  You were scared that I would become an outcast in society and ruin my life forever.  You thought I was just trying to challenge the status quo because I could. 

The information that was missing all of these years was the fact that you never felt as if you could express yourself freely.  This is why you and I would argue about the heat in the winter time.  You would always say “no one is going to tell me what to do in my own house.”  The anger that you showed towards me was because you thought I was taking away your form of self-expression.  This is also the reason that you could never sell the house we lived in together.  The house was your sense of freedom.  You could make your own rules and do things your way.  You felt inhibited in every place outside the home.  Even though you and I argued a lot, we both were fighting for the exact same thing.  We both wanted freedom from our inner turmoil.  You wanted freedom from the constraints that society placed on you long ago, and I wanted the freedom to use my own power the way that I saw fit. 

The thing that we did not realize was that we could have obtained our freedom long ago.  We let the conditioning of society get to us, and that is why we felt like we lived in some type of cage for most of our lives.  You could have opened up a business that revolved around something that you actually cared about.  Maybe you would have felt like you had freedom outside the home.  If I would have stood up for myself earlier in life and actually learned that I could do more things for myself than I was led to believe, then maybe I would not have hated you so bad when you were alive.  I felt like I had no freedom because I always needed help from everyone else.  The thing I learned since your death is that I do not need much help at all.  I pay all the bills on time, and I found out about Uber and Lyft.  I could have talked to you about getting a data plan for the phones in order to download the apps for both services, but I never did that.  I never brought up or forced the issue, so I did not get anything out of it. 

The events we shared together are all in the past now.  I plan to move farther away from the Baltimore area and create the life I want for myself.  The bank owns the house now, so I have to get out of it in the near future.  I no longer hold any grudges against you.  Become a soul that shines brightly in the universe and use the knowledge that you gained in our interactions to help others living or dead.  You taught me how to take my own power back.  I cannot pinpoint what you have learned from me, but I hope you learned that all the different ways an individual can express him or herself is important.  Individuals make up society, so when each person lives authentically, society as a whole becomes a little bit better over time.  

Is Meditation Right for Everyone?

Meditation is a practice that a lot of people get into when their lives start going downhill.  One’s health could also take a turn for the worse as well.  Most use meditation in order to calm down from a stressful situation.  The only thing people do not realize is that the practice of meditation may end up changing the way they perceive the world.  Unintentional changes may occur if meditation is performed regularly over an extended period of time. 

When one meditates, he or she calls back to his her own energy as well as the energies of the universe as a whole.  The first thing an individual will most likely notice is that minor ailments will heal after about a week or two.  My arm was always sore from opening up the bathroom door at my job.  My arm healed up within a week after I started meditating regularly.  Falling asleep can occur to beginners even if one is not lying down.  An individual might experience a lucid dream when this transpires..

After meditating for about three months, an individual might be able to feel his or her own aura.  He or she might write it off as some body parts falling asleep, but this is not the case.  An individual will eventually learn that there is nothing wrong with him or her whatsoever.  What is actually happening is that the person’s awareness is growing.  The aura that is felt always existed, but it always went unnoticed by the individual.    

With all of these changes occurring, one’s beliefs about many things will also go through a metamorphosis.  I used to eat beef semi regularly before I started to meditate.  I stopped eating beef almost altogether five months after I started meditating.  The same most likely has happened to a lot of others. 

One will also start to notice synchronicites.  The individual will start learning that coincidences are nothing more than things with similar energy coming together.  When a person thinks or says a certain word to him or herself, he or she will notice that something else will resemble the same thought somewhere else in the room regardless if it is written form, from the TV or spoken from someone else in another seat.

If the career a person has is not doing him or her any good, then regular meditation will eventually lead the individual to rethink what he or she is doing in life.  This happened to me as well.  I was working in a call center trying to achieve arbitrary daily statistics because I thought that doing this would actually bring me success.  My job was the only thing that I cared about.  After I started meditating on a regular basis, I realized that I needed to start writing again.  I also came to the conclusion that I was a healer and needed to help other people take their power back. 

Meditation has many benefits, but it can also have quite a few drawbacks depending on the eye of the beholder.  If an individual likes his or diet, friends, job, residence, town, interests, and hobbies, then he or she might not want to meditate very often if at all.  If a person is happy with living in three dimensions and has no interest in learning what coexists along with it, then it is advised not to meditate.  If an individual likes his or her own opinions and does not want their views challenged in any way, then meditation should be avoided at all costs.  In short, if a human being likes his or life the way it is and does not want to change anything about it, then he or she should not meditate under any circumstances. 

No one warned me that my world would be turned upside down if I engaged in daily meditation.  I went through a small depression because I felt as if the circumstances in my life were forcing me to become something I felt I would not have chosen willingly. After closer examination, I realized that my old life really was not that great in the first place.  This new beginning was the best thing that could ever happen to me.  I figured that I would give an advisory caution to those new or thinking about getting into meditation.  Once a person’s perspective on the world changes, then he or she will never be able to revert back to old thinking patterns.  One needs to make sure that the practice of meditation is for him or her before he or she makes it a daily habit.    

Finding your true Voice

Finding one’s own voice can be a difficult challenge to overcome.  It can be hard to tell if the conclusions that a person comes to are the right ones.  Listening to other people will most likely lead one astray from his or her own beliefs.  This is especially true when an individual is trying to achieve something that takes a group effort.  At the end of the day, each person has his or her own reasons for accomplishing the same goal.  This is what makes achieving something on a grand scale so challenging.    

I have difficulty finding my voice a good majority of the time.  This is because I want to make sure that I have everything straight before I start a venture of some kind.  The problem of trying to get everything right the first time is that change occurs as things progress.  It is nice to try to plan things out, but the trouble with this philosophy is that an individual can only plan a little ahead of time.  Perfectionism leads to procrastination.  Procrastination leads to missed opportunities, which in turn leads to despair and then silence.  A person has to learn to follow his or her dreams from the moment that he or she has these ideas.  Once the individual starts actually living authentically, then those with similar values and beliefs will start to appear.  If people waver in what they want to do, then this will lead to mixed results.  Their voices will not appear as strong because their beliefs have not been solidified. 

Speaking one’s truth means sticking by one’s guns regardless of what the outcome might be.  It means investing a good chunk of your own resources with the faith that everything will turn out alright.  I wavered too much in what I wanted to do with myself because I was afraid that things would not work out.  By not choosing a clear path, I actually made a situation that I am current facing a lot worse than it had to be.  I fell into despair about a week ago, and now I am trying to reclaim my voice once again.  I have a lot work that I need to do if I want to get where I want to go. 

When one uses his or her true voice fully one hundred percent of the time, then doors start to open for the individual.  When an individual uses his or her true voice only part of the time, then he or she will be headed towards a fall.  If one is going to go for something, then he or she needs do so with complete conviction without any regrets.  Success is something that is achieved.  It is not something given to those who lack the belief to take a big leap.          

A Fragment in time that Changed my life Forever

Author's note:  (I just wanted to share something that I wrote a little over a year ago.  I recently have been a little down and out, but then I realized how far that I have come.  My thoughts are a lot more coherent now than ever before.  This is because of all of those who have taken time to read what I have written.  If no one read what I have posted, then I would have never gone anywhere.  Thanks goes out to all that have stood by me all of this time.)  

A person’s career is one of the most important aspects in his or her life.  Choosing the right path in regards to employment can be rather hard task due to pressures from the outside world.  A closer look at the personal traits of an individual will reveal the career that is best suited for him or her.

I am a heavily introverted person and tend to be receptive of the world instead of active.  I am slow to process information while evaluating the world around me before I come to any conclusions whatsoever.  I have a constant barrage of thoughts going through my head every second of the day.  I am a very imaginative human being despite coming off as mechanical in everything that I do.  Unordinary thoughts pop into my head at times when they shouldn’t.  I used to get angry at myself for being this way.  I wanted to be like everyone else and focus on the task at hand as it is presented to me.  However, I was not meant to be this way.  My inner world will always be a lot stronger than my outer world.  My inner world will dominate me even if I am in a room with hundreds of others.  When I lose my voice within my head due to sounds from the outer world, then I get frustrated and want to leave the area.  This is because I tend to pop in and out of existence when my inner world is threatened.  Without my thoughts, I am just a corpse, and I cease to be a human being. 

Working in call center poses huge problems in regards to my personality type.  I take calls back to back with no breathing room in between.  The loud beeping gets annoying quickly each time a call comes through.  The cell phone reception these customers have is complete garbage.  The volume of the static is unbearable in a lot of cases.  This means that my inner world is taken away from me.  This means that I pop in and out of existence while on the phone with other people.  This can create confusion in my speech, and so I will have to end up restating information multiple to customers due to my inner world and outer world competing for my attention.  My mind does not know which one to pick, which results into speech that can sometimes seem nonsensical. 

Break times are also a huge deal for me within the confines of the call center.  We have two fifteen minute breaks within an eight and half hour period.  There is a half hour time slot for lunch that can be taken away if calls keep coming through at an alarming right.  In situations such as this, everybody works through lunch.  The company provides, but what is the point when no one has time to eat it?  A person can only pack so much food into his or her cheek.  Everyone is also required to work mandatory on call on weeks assigned to them.  If a person has an early schedule, then he or she could be working up to four hours extra without any extra break.  People need adhere to the schedule that is given.  There is a bit of leeway regarding the time someone’s paid break begins and ends due to how long the last call runs before that individual can use his or her break time.    Going to the bathroom twice in ten to twelve hours is not enough for anyone with a sensitive pelvic floor.  I am sure others with a standard functioning pelvic floor are suffering as well, but to a lesser degree. 

The way the call center operates with sick days is flat out ridiculous.  If a person calls out sick, then he or she has to call three different numbers.  The employee needs to call his or her supervisor, the attendance line, and the human resources department.  The human resources department should not have any say on sickness whatsoever.  I had a few issues regarding potential gingivitis and pharyngitis.  I also had a few doctor appoints and a meeting with a lawyer that I needed to be present for during the winter months of 2016.  Because the company was in the middle of high bill season, I was not allowed take off for any reason.  I used sick time in order to go to all of my appointments.  It turns out that the company no longer offers the option to use the floating holidays everyone receives on a yearly basis as sick time.  I was formally written up for being sick too often.  One of days I was sick was due to the company encouraging me to go home due to coughing up a storm for a week straight.  The reason that this issue transpired is because the departments within the company that I work for do not communicate with one another.  Every time I have called down to another department to ask a question about a process for a customer’s account, the person on the other line has no clue what needs to be done.  No one talks to one another about anything or anyone.  Once an individual moves from the call center to another department, then he or she forgets all the knowledge that was learned during his or her time taking calls.  An employee should carry knowledge from one department to another even if the knowledge learned does not relate directly to the workload that the employee will be responsible for.  What is the point of doing a job if you are not going to learn anything from doing it? 

All of these events have led me to contemplate about embarking on a new career path.  It is clear that a highly sensitive individual such as myself has no business in a call center.  This call center is for extraverted who react to situations quickly without any kind reflection.  I do not know how to smooth things over in a nice way.  I am not overly blunt with the customers that I talk to everyday, but I do not know how to say things in order to alleviate the angry emotions that the customers are experiencing.  This is because I have to stick to the “script” that I was given in training.  If I cannot interact with the public in an honest and fulfilling way, then what is the point of my job other than to appease people?  If I cannot apply the skills I have learned throughout the entire company, then how can I take my career seriously when all I am doing work to keep myself busy. 

Because of all of the hustling that I have been doing, my health has declined.  I do not eat or drink the way that I should.  My lower back arms hurt from being leaned over a desk all day.  The door to the bathroom is also ridiculously heavy, and has definitely hurt my arm.  Eight hours of sleep is not enough for a person with a dominant inner world.  I will sleep for eight hours and wake up feeling drained.  My throat is dry and scratchy all the time.  I actually was diagnosed with adult allergies.  I am not one to question doctors too often, but the diagnosis I was given was not correct.  I think my issue is that my voice and throat gets tired of yelling at people because no one understands me when I speak at a regular.  This constant yelling has caused me to have throat issues.  The lack of sleep probably contributes to my sinus problems.  Eight hours of sleep is not enough recharge my body.  The customers steal every ounce of energy that I have.  This means that I have no energy to engage in any extracurricular activities on the weekends.  The weekends are spent sleeping or listening to music in order to build up the strength for the following work week.  When I finally took a vacation, my health improved in just three days.  I no longer had pain in my back or arm.  My mental energy could be used in a productive manner.  I did not feel like I had to rest up for two days in a row just to be able to survive.  One might say that almost every person does not like his or her job.  While that may be true, not everyone has a job that impacts their well-being so much that there they cannot do anything else.  These issues go beyond not liking my job.  It is destroying my essence as a living creature.  A highly sensitive introvert like me needs a career path that meets my need to create while also allowing me time alone to recharge my energy.  Everyone has to face obstacles that go against who he or she is as a person at some point, but no one should be forced to act the opposite way to how he or she actually is every day of his or her life.  I need a career that allows me to put my best foot forward.  Anyone can do anything for a short amount of time and be fine.  For example, suppose that someone is great at working with appliances and electronics obtains a job as an editor for a publishing company.  He or she might be good at the job for a while, but his or her extraverted needs will not be met sitting inside a room at a computer not talking to people on a regular basis.  This person will eventually feel as though he or she is wasting his or her talent editing papers.  This individual would most likely feel more actualized working as a plumber instead of remaining locked in one room all day long.  Who you are will eventually catch up with you.  A person has to choose what is important to him or her.  Should a person sacrifice his or her health for financial security, or should he or she feel good about him or herself from a mental perspective and sacrifice material perks to feel healthy on the inside? 

The answer is pretty clear in my situation.  I need to leave the extraverted life of the call center in order for my health to improve.  I will have to worry about money for a while, but in the end, I will feel better about my mental state.  I will be able to be creative and feel as though I have enough energy to finish things to completion.  There will be some tough times ahead, but I have weathered through the employment storm before, and I can do it again.  I need to find my purpose in life.  The universe is not going to put me through sixteen surgeries and a gender transformation just so I can sit inside of a call center and not be able to interact with others as an authentic human being.      

The Challenge that is Forgiveness

Everyone goes through tough situations in their lives.  During these trying times, a person can be in a relationship with someone else that is not fulfilling whatsoever.  The relationship continues to exist because both parties feel that they need one another for a specific reason.  Neither party will realize that he or she could have existed without the other until a major event drives them apart.  I had this type of relationship with my father.

The relationship my father and I shared was based mostly around material goods.  I have a condition known as Cerebral Palsy.  This makes it difficult for me to traverse any kind of incline.  At the time, I thought I was unable to obtain my own place.  I worked ten to twelve hours a day at my call center job.  I remained ignorant to every other aspect of my life.  I did not really notice my father’s health like I should have.  I was too busy trying to climb the corporate ladder to really focus on my father’s health.  He took thirteen pills twice a day.  Most of the pills were for difficulties with the heart.  My father had quadruple bypass surgery in May of 2004.  He wanted to get fried chicken his first day home from the hospital.

I did not do a lot at home.  The house was always a mess because my father never put anything away.  I was too drained from arguing with people about their bills to even give a crap.  I did clean my father’s messes up quite a few times, but then I got tired of it.  He used to yell at me for taking out the trash because it was “easier” for him to do it.  The only problem is that my father never did it.  The trash bins would overflow, and he would let everything sit.

My father became a bump on a log outside of driving me back and forth to work every day.  He would just sit on the couch and watch TV without moving.  His fingers on one hand had turned brown due to lack of bathing.  I told him to go wash his hands while we were at a local diner.  He dunked his hands in a cup of water a couple times and said “there, I washed my hands.”  My father then laughed about as if it was funny that he was so disgusting.  I wanted to punch my father in face so bad that day.  I could not take it anymore.  He had not taken a shower in months.  I am surprised my father made it as long as he did.  If that were me, I would have died a long time ago. 

 The day before my father went to the hospital, I told him that it was his choice whether or not he wanted to live or die.  He went to his primary doctor the next day, and the doctor told him to go to the hospital.  I got out of work around 5:30 P.M.  I waited for an hour for my father to pick me up.  I eventually decided to take a taxi home.  When I got to the house, I did not see the HHR in the driveway.  I did not know what had happened.  I waited around for a few hours until it got dark.  I called my supervisor on the phone, and he told me to call the police.  The police came and took down all the information for my father.  They even went to the local diner to look for him.  The police did not get anywhere and decided to call around to local hospitals.  My father was found at Northwest Hospital in Randallstown.  It turned out that he told the head nurse not to tell anyone where he was located.   This kind of thinking made no sense.

After my father passed away, I found out that he canceled his death benefits with Verizon.  In other words, there was no money to pay off the loans that my father borrowed against the house after the original mortgage was all squared away.  Who would actually do that though?  Why couldn’t my father just tell me that he did not have the money to send me to college?  I could have studied philosophy on my own if I was still interested in the subject matter.  I knew that there were loans against the house, but I did not realize that the benefits policy was canceled.  My father and I got into a fight one time, and he threatened to cancel out the policy, but I never thought anyone would be dumb enough to actually do it.

It has been almost ten months since my father went to the hospital. I will never understand why my father could not trust me enough to tell me the truth.  Then again, it is not as if I made a serious effort to know certain things when he was alive.  I was too absorbed the hive mindset from my job to even think about my own personal needs let alone someone else’s.  I work on letting the past go every day.  Some days are more difficult than others.  I will eventually forgive my father completely.  I will also never forget the lessons I learned from the relationship that I had with him.      

         

Karmic Debt Numbers in Numerology

The karmic debt numbers in numerology is one that indicates which personality traits that one needs to balance in order to live according to his or her personal truths.  Once an individual finds balance within him or herself, then he or she can live up to his or her full potential. 

13/4

These people might have difficulty working hard to obtain the results that they desire.  It is commonly believed that these individuals took shortcuts in a past life or were lazy in some shape or form.  The reason these people might considered “lazy” is due to the fact that they might have a desire to try something new on a constant basis.  Those with this number might get bored easily with a project and move on to something else without letting the previous endeavor flourish.  For example, one might join a country music band only to join a rock band a few months later.  These individuals learn to stick with something for a while and see where it leads.  Those with this debt might benefit from realizing that not every day is going to yield results that seem substantial.  Looking at how much he or she has matured on the inside might help one stick with a project.  Not everything in life is about external rewards.  Try one project for one year without any expectations, and see if any surprises occur.    

14/5 

Those with this number could have a difficulty with balancing work and freedom.  It is commonly believed the individuals took advantage of their freedom in a negative way.  These people could also be workaholics.  They do not care about pleasures in the world.  They will work themselves to death from a literal standpoint.  People with this karmic debt might be in a job that requires them to be of service to others in some way.  The service that is performed could be a negative expression of this debt.  For example, someone might have a ten to fifteen hour shift working in a call center arguing about bills with customers.  Yes, this individual is being of service to others by “helping” them with their bills, but is this actually the best use of his or her abilities?  Most people that call up customer service wish to voice their complaints and opinions about company policies.  Most do not wish to be educated in any way.  This karmic debt is about working hard in positive way while still finding time for pleasure and fun as well.  A tip to overcome the dilemma between work and freedom is to do a little bit of work while expressing one’s freedom.  While going out to eat for dinner, an individual can carry a pen and pieces of paper with him her.  He or she can then proceed to write down ideas about his or her project.  People can also listen to music in that background while they are working on completing a task. 

16/7

Those with this number might have a big ego, or they might not recognize the talents that remain hidden underneath the surface.  It is commonly believed that people with this number might have been part of a royal family in a past life.  People with this karmic debt might have a superiority complex because they know it all.  They need to realize that not everyone knows as much about a given topic as they do.  Others do not think that they have the knowledge to speak on a given subject matter.  These people need to stop being perfectionists.  No one can understand absolutely everything about a single topic.  Issues with the ego could lead to problems with abundance from material and mental perspectives.  A good way to maintain balance with ego is show compassion to the stories of strangers.  Try to meet them where they are in their life and remember a time that every goes through similar situations.    

19/1

These individuals could have difficulty with confidence to a severe degree.  They need to learn to stand up for what their beliefs.  There could have abuse of power in a past life of some kind.  A lot of the issues that these individuals face are in their minds.  For example, someone might suffer from a condition known as Body Dysmorphia.  People with this condition have difficulty having any type of relationships with other people because of how they look.  These people might have a hard time developing their creative talents.  They also refused to take advice from other a lot of the time.  This seems particularly strange.  These individuals are not confident enough in themselves to pursue their own goal but they are too “overconfident” not to take advice or ask for help from others.  In order to maneuver through this number, try going out in public without combing your hair or putting on makeup.  You will be surprised about how little other people care.  Try taking advice from others.  Do not hang on to every word that someone says, but their philosophies might have a few seeds of wisdom.             

Getting Around Mobility Issues

An individual’s time in school can be quit rough depending on his or her circumstances.  The people in charge of the public school system as well as secondary education are not fit to run institutions in general.  This is especially true when mobility is involved in regards to people with disabilities. 

During my high school and college years, I had quite a difficult time with trying to get around.  I went to high school in Reisterstown Maryland.  The school was all one level, but it had a few sets of stairs that separated each wing of the school.  In order for me to get down a set of stairs, I had to use a lift that required a key every day that school was in session.  The principal of the school would not allow me to have my own key to the lift in order to operate traverse the school of my own free will.  One of technicians at the school had to ride down with me every day so that I could get to my fourth period class during my junior year.  This solution to my issue was a terrible one. 

I had a similar issue when I went to Mount Saint Mary’s University in Emmitsburg Maryland.  I had to visit the library in order to find information for papers that I had to write for all of my different classes.  The school was built in the 1800s, and so there was only so much the school could do to accommodate people with disabilities.  I had to call the librarian every time I wanted to visit the library.  He or she would then let me in through some sort of basement entrance.  The elevator that went up to the main floor could barely hold the wheelchair that I used to get around.  The people who ran the library would not let me have my own key.  I had to call the person on duty up quite often just so I could search for books. 

It is kind of sad that there were not any alternative options for people such as myself.  Everyone has the right to get a good education.  I guess I was lucky that the library also had an online database to look for information as well, but that is not a solution to the problem I faced.  I do not see why places cannot just have some electronic lock with a secret code by an entrance that is accessible to everyone.  There would be no more issues with mobility if this kind of measure was put into place.  Everyone could come and go wherever without having to call someone else to let him or her inside.  Maybe this idea will be implemented in every type of education facility one day.  We will just have wait and see. 

Transitioning at Work

Transitioning at work can be one of the scariest things that an individual can face.  One faces the possibility of being ridiculed to no end.  The loss of employment is also an issue that one might have to deal with if he or she comes out as transgender.  I was lucky enough to actually have an employer that was somewhat sensitive to needs of transgender employees. 

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I came out to my supervisor via text message because I was too afraid to tell her the details in person.  This was a very cowardly decision on my behalf.  I was told by the human resources department that I would have to get my name legally changed in order to present as my true gender at work.  I then jumped through all the hoops necessary to change all of my identification documents.  After this was completed, the human resources department said that they would hold miniature meetings to let everyone in the call center know about the change that I was going through.  I was present for every one of these meetings.  I found it a bit annoying how the representative from the human resources department kept trying to explain how transgender individuals feel through the use of a Power Point presentation.  Feelings cannot be summed up by statistics from the Internet.  I should have been the one to explain the issues transgender people face regarding coming out to others.  These meetings only lasted about an hour.  Everyone then went back to work as if nothing had ever happened. 

I was now entitled to use the women’s bathroom on a regular basis.  No one ever complained about me using the bathroom whatsoever.  One person actually gave me a hug and was inspired by my courage to transition.  She told me that she had a sibling that went through the same thing.  I was quite shocked to see that most people were supportive of what I had done.  Life seemed to get a lot easier from this point forward. 

No one ever knows how a situation will turn out until it arises.  Most of the fears that people experience are just images that are built up in their minds.  Reality is never as scary as the perceived horror.  It has been said that people need to face the consequences of their actions, but what I have learned is that consequences are already put in place once an individual gives energy to an idea.  People do not pay the price for their actions.  They pay the price for their thoughts.    

Legally Female

(Please read "The Power in a Name" before reading this post.)

After getting my name changed in July of 2015, I thought it was time to get my other legal documents changed as well so that there would not be any confusion down the road.  Changing one’s name was a pretty simple process.  I hoped that altering documents such as my social security card and my birth certificate would not be too difficult. 

I got my social security card changed in the middle of August 2015.  Social Security only required the paper showing my legal name change and some basic information from my doctor in order to issue a new card.  The card came in the mail less than a week later.  I expected a longer wait time due to the fact that any federal organization takes forever to notify anyone about anything. 

The next big hurdle I faced regarding legal documentation happened in October 2015.  I went down to the Department of Vital Records to get the information on my birth certificate changed.  The department branch in Baltimore County is located inside of a shopping mall of all places.  My case was pretty cut and dry.  I forgot to get a letter from primary doctor stating that I had been on hormones for a year and a half.  I almost left the department without getting my gender marker changed.  I was lucky that I the representative who took my case went out on a limb and decided to call my doctor to confirm that I had been on hormone therapy for a year and a half.  I ended up paying fifty dollars for two copies of my birth certificate.

I was quite shocked at how easy it was to change all of my legal documents.  I have heard about horror stories in other states, but nothing seemed to be too terrible in the state of Maryland.  All I needed was paperwork showing that my name had been changed by the court, and that was it.  There were a lot of minor bureaucratic errors trying to reach the person in charge of changing the information on my documents, but those are going to exist no matter what the issue at hand may be.  All anyone can do is keep pushing forward regardless of what kind of obstacles get in the way.  Once one accepts the challenges that come with going through a gender transition, then everything else will eventually fall into place.  Winning is guaranteed as long as an individual’s outlook remains positive. 

The Beginning of my Gender Adventure

Being insecure in one’s gender is a tough thing to handle.  Because gender itself is a spectrum, it can be difficult for an individual to know how he or she wants to identify him or herself.  There is no gauge as to what a person should do based on perceived categories of identification.  The main concern should be how one feels about him or herself.    

My feelings about gender sprouted out of nowhere back in the winter of 2001.  I only had an interest in wearing women’s clothes back then.  For some unknown reason, I had a strong desire to wear pantyhose.  I first got my hands on some clothes in the summer of 2002.  My father’s girlfriend at the time gave me a black top and gray skirt to try on as a joke.  Once I told her that I actually put on the outfit, she let me keep the clothes.  I also scored some dresses a little bit later on that year as well.  I only identified as a crossdresser at this point in time, but that was going to change a few months down the road. 

I was in my senior year in high school during March of 2003.  My feelings about my gender started to get worse for a reason that I could not explain.  I started to desire to actually be a girl instead of just dressing like one.  I looked at other girls in my classes with envy.  I even volunteered to read the lines to Lady MacBeth in English class.  I acted the same as always, so no one ever knew how I was feeling on inside.  The same thing occurred every week.  I would go to school, and then come home only to sleep in a dress.    

After high school ended, I went on to community college.  The desire to be a girl was still inside of me, but I somehow figured out how to deal with it.  In February of 2004, I came to the realization that I was a transsexual.  I started to develop a female voice around this time.  There were not a lot of free resources on the Internet.  I was lucky enough find a website that had a few techniques used to develop a female sounding voice as well as voice samples from other transwomen who seemed to have mastered the skill in a short time.  I was still wavering back and forth on whether to transition or not, and I eventually gave up finding my female voice.

My gender issues seemed to have plateaued between 2005 and 2006.  I did not feel bad all of the time.  I thought I would just try being genderless since I wouldn’t have been that different if I was born a gender congruent female anyway.  I was rather happy that I found some way to cope with my issues.  I did not realize that the peace of mind that I obtained during this time period was only the calm before the storm.      

Difficulties with the School System

Going to school can be hard for anyone.  The classes can be quite boring.  The food in the cafeteria barely passes the standards imposed by the FDA.  Puberty has started, and you would rather focus on those changes rather than sit around finding the hypothetical value for X.  As a person who is gifted with Cerebral Palsy, I had some extra hoops to jump through in order to receive a proper education.

I cannot physically write as fast as those who are able-bodied, so taking notes down was rather difficult.  The schools were not very understanding of my needs whatsoever.  My mother tried to get each school to purchase a laptop for me to use, but the response as to why I could not have one was the same every time.  Each principle would say “A laptop is not in the school’s budget.”  The only option available to me was a one to one assistant. 

Most of the assistants that I had were not that terrible.  Looking back at everything now, they are the ones that got the short end of the stick.  These people only received about $7.50 an hour.  The amount of note keeping in middle school was ridiculous.  Teachers would actually grade your notebook for how organized it was.  My assistants always helped keep everything in order.    

The one to one assistant solution also carried over to high school as well.  I did not have the exact same person throughout my grade school career.  It was a different person every year.  I did not achieve complete scholastic independence until after I got my diploma and moved on to college.    

The only time I did not have an assistant was when I was in the sixth grade.  The middle school I went to put in me in the self-contained classroom with those who were mentally challenged.  The school was judging me based on the negative stereotype surrounding those with physically disabilities.  Not every person born with physical challenges has problems with his or her mind.  The principal only put me in a self-contained classroom in order to cover her own butt in case anything happened to me. 

Hopefully my time in grade school changed the lives of others.  Maybe I inspired some policy changes in the school system.  I doubt that this is the case.  The school system seems to be too big for any change to occur in a short amount time.  All anyone can do is try to make a difference, and then wait to see how things unfold. 

Are Concerts Worth it?

Concerts are always a difficult experience for anyone with a disability.  It is never a great idea to be in a room hundreds of people all crunched together.  Someone always gets hurt every time a gathering such as this takes place.  The bands that I saw firsthand were not that memorable.

The first band I ever saw live was the pop punk artist Green Day.  The band’s fourth album Insomniac had just come out a few weeks prior to this show.  I remember tickets being sold for fifteen dollars each.  I was only nine years old when this was happening, so my chances of actually seeing Green Day were rather slim.  This concert also took place on the first Monday in November of 1995.  I thought that there is no way my parents would let my brother and I go to a concert at all let alone on a school night.  The worst thing that could happen was that both parents tell me that I could not go. 

Things do not turn out how I am imagined in my head.  Both of my parents actually said that I could go to the Green Day concert.  I am sure that they were aware that this would be a one-time thing.  My brother and I even got to stay home from the school the next day.  Our father would be the one to take us to the show.  You could not be that with a stick. 

The concert was held at the Baltimore Arena.  I came to the concert in a wheelchair.  The security checked my body up and down for harmful substances; however they never bothered to check the book bag that I kept on the back of the chair.     

All three of us sat in seats that were pretty far from the band.  The members were a bit hard to make out, but the show was a blast.  Green Day played all of their hit songs at the time.  The set included tracks such as Basket Case, Geek Stink Breath, Welcome to Paradise, Longview, and She.  The only incident I remember occurring was a girl in the mosh pit being dropped on her head.  She must have been crowd surfing. 

I did not go to another concert again until the January of 2001.  This concert was just full of local punk bands.  The show took place in Towson.  The temperature outside was around twenty degrees on the night the outing.  My brother found out about this concert through some friends.  We showed up quite early for the show and had to wait about an hour before security let everyone inside the bar.  They stamped the hands of everyone who was too young to drink. 

The show began, and it was loud as can be.  There was no assigned seating like at the previous concert.  The place was just a huge mosh pit.  I was in a wheelchair during the duration of the gig.  I almost got knocked over quite a few times.  I became more nervous about being tipped over after each bump from another individual.  The show finally ended, and everyone went home. 

I also went to another concert up by the Salvation Army in Westminster during March of 2001.  The setup was very similar to the last show.  There were no actual seats whatsoever.  The entire place was once again one big mosh pit.  People came in contact with my chair a lot more frequently this time around.  One person almost knocked the chair over completely.  Most of the music was pretty good.  None of the bands stood out in any way.  I eventually went into the back room to sit in a chair away from everyone else.  I was not able to see any of the bands from this room, but I did not care anymore.  I just wanted to be safe. 

After going to three concerts during the first fifteen years of my life, I realized that live shows just are not for me.  I had the opportunity to go to a Pennywise show about a month ago.  I turned this down because I was afraid of getting hurt.  I do not avoid many things due to fear, but concerts just do not sit well with me at all.  A person needs to be a bit more careful when he or she has a disability.  Live shows are places where the ignorance level is rather high, so it is best for someone like me to steer clear of these events altogether.