The Challenge that is Forgiveness

Everyone goes through tough situations in their lives.  During these trying times, a person can be in a relationship with someone else that is not fulfilling whatsoever.  The relationship continues to exist because both parties feel that they need one another for a specific reason.  Neither party will realize that he or she could have existed without the other until a major event drives them apart.  I had this type of relationship with my father.

The relationship my father and I shared was based mostly around material goods.  I have a condition known as Cerebral Palsy.  This makes it difficult for me to traverse any kind of incline.  At the time, I thought I was unable to obtain my own place.  I worked ten to twelve hours a day at my call center job.  I remained ignorant to every other aspect of my life.  I did not really notice my father’s health like I should have.  I was too busy trying to climb the corporate ladder to really focus on my father’s health.  He took thirteen pills twice a day.  Most of the pills were for difficulties with the heart.  My father had quadruple bypass surgery in May of 2004.  He wanted to get fried chicken his first day home from the hospital.

I did not do a lot at home.  The house was always a mess because my father never put anything away.  I was too drained from arguing with people about their bills to even give a crap.  I did clean my father’s messes up quite a few times, but then I got tired of it.  He used to yell at me for taking out the trash because it was “easier” for him to do it.  The only problem is that my father never did it.  The trash bins would overflow, and he would let everything sit.

My father became a bump on a log outside of driving me back and forth to work every day.  He would just sit on the couch and watch TV without moving.  His fingers on one hand had turned brown due to lack of bathing.  I told him to go wash his hands while we were at a local diner.  He dunked his hands in a cup of water a couple times and said “there, I washed my hands.”  My father then laughed about as if it was funny that he was so disgusting.  I wanted to punch my father in face so bad that day.  I could not take it anymore.  He had not taken a shower in months.  I am surprised my father made it as long as he did.  If that were me, I would have died a long time ago. 

 The day before my father went to the hospital, I told him that it was his choice whether or not he wanted to live or die.  He went to his primary doctor the next day, and the doctor told him to go to the hospital.  I got out of work around 5:30 P.M.  I waited for an hour for my father to pick me up.  I eventually decided to take a taxi home.  When I got to the house, I did not see the HHR in the driveway.  I did not know what had happened.  I waited around for a few hours until it got dark.  I called my supervisor on the phone, and he told me to call the police.  The police came and took down all the information for my father.  They even went to the local diner to look for him.  The police did not get anywhere and decided to call around to local hospitals.  My father was found at Northwest Hospital in Randallstown.  It turned out that he told the head nurse not to tell anyone where he was located.   This kind of thinking made no sense.

After my father passed away, I found out that he canceled his death benefits with Verizon.  In other words, there was no money to pay off the loans that my father borrowed against the house after the original mortgage was all squared away.  Who would actually do that though?  Why couldn’t my father just tell me that he did not have the money to send me to college?  I could have studied philosophy on my own if I was still interested in the subject matter.  I knew that there were loans against the house, but I did not realize that the benefits policy was canceled.  My father and I got into a fight one time, and he threatened to cancel out the policy, but I never thought anyone would be dumb enough to actually do it.

It has been almost ten months since my father went to the hospital. I will never understand why my father could not trust me enough to tell me the truth.  Then again, it is not as if I made a serious effort to know certain things when he was alive.  I was too absorbed the hive mindset from my job to even think about my own personal needs let alone someone else’s.  I work on letting the past go every day.  Some days are more difficult than others.  I will eventually forgive my father completely.  I will also never forget the lessons I learned from the relationship that I had with him.      

         

A Helping Hand During Difficult Times

Life can sometimes throw people a curve ball that they do not see coming.  When this change occurs, everyone scrambles to put the pieces of their lives back together the way that they were before the change occurred.  The only problem with this is no one is supposed to go backwards in time.  Big changes happen in life that the individual can live more authentically than he or she has in the past.  Everyone is going to need advice on what to do during the transition from the old lifestyle to the new one.  Most people do not realize that they can receive guidance through numbers. 

The numbers 111, 222, and 333, are the most common numbers that people start seeing once they come to realization that there something beyond the physical realm exists.  There is usually a positive meaning associated with each of the numbers.  The number 111 can mean that one is synced up with the universe, or the individual is having are good ones.  He or she should explore those ideas further.  The number 222 can mean that one is living a balanced life.  This person is most likely cooperating well with others.  It can also indicate that an individual has a lot of faith in what in current events that are taking place.  The number 333 is associated higher spirits that might be surrounding the individual.  They could be sending love, encouragement, or new ideas.  Some claim that these higher spirits are angels. 

These numbers can also have a slightly different meaning than what has been stated above.  If an individual is falling away from the path that he or she is supposed to follow, these numbers can be seen as a warning to get back on track.  The number 111 can be a wakeup call to pay attention what is happening in one’s life.  The number 222 could indicate that one needs to have faith in the opportunities that are presenting themselves.  It could also mean that one needs to have more faith in him or herself.  The number 333 might be telling an individual try to balance the physical, mental, and spiritual areas of his or her life more effectively. 

Signs can come in any form.  They not have to be numerical at all.  A good way to see signs of what to do next is through every day conversations with other people.  One might disagree with the opinions of others, but pay attention to the topics that are discussed more than what positions the individuals hold.  These discussions will give a person an idea of where he or she should focus his or her attention to next. 

Everyone always has a helping hand available even when no one else is around to be of assistance from a physical standpoint.  All is that is required is for one to pay attention to his or her surroundings.  If one can look for meanings beyond his or her personal intentions, then bog transitions in life will not feel so terrible.  If an individual can stop forcing his or her agenda, then the right answer on how to proceed will eventually make itself known. 

Becoming a Victim to your own Emotions

Emotions can sometimes make people do crazy things.  This is especially true when one is a seemingly bad situation.  I became a victim to my negative emotions this passed Friday, and the results were not good at all. 

I have been trying to find a new place to live for about nine months.  The property I live in now is up for short sale and could face foreclosure at the end of April of this year.  I have a condition known as Cerebral Palsy, so it is hard for me to find a place that is in a fair price range and will suit my needs.  I cannot do steps that well, and this would make doing a simple task such as washing clothes almost impossible without a washer and dryer close by. 

I finally found a place in the same town where I live currently.  The apartment was all on one level and included a washer and dryer all for the price of $1169.  That amount would have been difficult for me to afford, but it was the only game in town.  I knew I had to be out my current place as soon as possible.  I decided to go up to the complex and see if there were any addition details regarding the apartment. 

I tried calling for an Uber, and the first person that was supposed to pick me up cancelled the ride.  I should have taken this as a sign that none of what I was about to do would lead to a good ending, but I was too “determined” to listen to the signs that surrounded me.  I called another Uber driver and went down to the apartment complex.  When I arrived, I walked up and down the parking lot trying to find a ramp to get up on the sidewalk.  This was the second sign that the apartment was not the right place for me.  ”Coincidentally,” someone from the leasing office came out of the building and helped me up the sidewalk as well as the steps to the front door. The personnel inside ran the necessary processes to get me approved for the apartment.  They wanted my social security card due to an issue that was present in their system.  One of the ladies at the office offered to drive me home so that I would save on the cost of calling for an Uber ride.  I gave her my social security card, and she told me that she would back in just a little while after everything had been completed.  I should not have loaned my card to someone I barely knew, but there were not a whole lot of options available, so I decided to take a risk.  I knew I had to get out of my old place before the bank forces me to leave.  I got a call an hour later from the complex asking if I had any other identification outside of my state ID.  I told the person who called that I changed my name almost two years ago.  She wanted me to bring up my name change papers.  I waited two more hours for the woman that drove me home to bring back my card.  She never did come back to my place to explain what was happening.  I decided to cancel everything out then and there.  I called the leasing office back to tell them not to give me the place due to all the issues it was having with my info.  There was obviously something wrong somewhere along the line.  The person I spoke to on the phone said that the office put my social security card in the mail.  I got mad because no one called me to explain the change in plan. 

I took another Uber ride up to the apartment complex.  The Uber driver ended up heading down the wrong road, and I spent more money for that particular ride.  I went up to the office before the mail was taken out.  I got my card back and called for another Uber ride.  The rate for this ride was 1.2 times the normal rate due to a shortage of drivers during hectic business hours.  I was only going down the street to my favorite restaurant.  It was only about a mile down the street, and I ended up paying $7.20 for that ride.  I had to get out of the complex parking lot because the rental office was closing in an hour.  I did not have a choice in the matter.  I did not have the opportunity to wait for until the regular rate was available again.    

If I would have just sat home that day, then all of the issues I faced could have been avoided.  I would not have learned about the red flag on my name, so I guess I learned something from the experience after all.  I wasted a lot time, energy and money when everything would have remained fine if I would have paid attention to the first two signs that told me to avoid the complex altogether. 

I went out to the diner again last night, and I saw a sign for a disability expo regarding independent living in an area that is close to me.  The sign was posted at the end of the road just before going on entrance ramp to the highway.  I then saw a commercial for the expo on Youtube before watching a video later on that night.  This could be a sign that I might find what I am looking for at this expo. 

I learned a valuable lesson this passed Friday.  I cannot let my feelings about a current situation control the actions that I take.  If something is not right, then it is not right regardless of what other external circumstances are happening around me.  I tried my best, and that is what counts.  If the worst ends up happening, then I will just have to deal with it when the time comes.  I tried my best to do things in a practical manner, and I failed.  I can only take things one day at a time.  I need to let situations come to end naturally instead of using force.  There is obviously something bigger taking place outside of this whole ordeal with housing.  All I can do is make better choices in the future.

A Different Perspective on Living Life

Everyone goes through major changes at some point in his or life.  These changes can bring extreme challenges when they first begin.  The difficulty in facing the challenges is not always a material one.  Sometimes the challenges reside in a new way of living that one might not think is possible.  The majority of people on this planet live according to immediate desires.  They want to receive instant gratification for their actions.  This is known as personality centered living.  Life is lived through the ego alone.  There is another way of living that is much for fulfilling.  This type of living is known as soul centered living. 

Many people tend to put a lot of energy into things that do not please them.  This can be anything at all.  One might hate his or her living arrangement or job.  The only thing most people do not realize is that each of us has the power to change anything in our lives.  Instead of focusing a lot of energy on fear and what one does not want to happen, one can put their attention on positive things and what he or she does want to happen.  Focusing on something that one does want will change the way events play out in his or her life.  In other words, everybody has the ability to create our own reality. 

The first step to changing one’s reality is for the individual to change his or her thoughts.  Thoughts are a form of energy.  The more we focus on a given idea, the more energy it has to take shape.  If a person continues to focus on what he or she does not desire, then that thought form will have huge amount of energy to come to fruition.  The more an individual focuses on what he or she does want, then that particular thought form will eventually have enough energy to manifest in the physical world.  The more that one lives in accordance with what he or she enjoys, then the easier it will be to live a soul centered life.  One will be able find his or her life purpose a lot faster, then if he or she focuses on fear. 

The negative side of the ego is based off of fear.  This negative attribute tends drive people to make bad choices that might sound smart at first glance.  All the energy put into that one decision causes other things that are similar in nature to attract to the individual.  There is no reason for the ego to try to keep everything the exact same all the time when a person is living his or her life purpose.  The ego is free to focus on maintaining a positive outlook.  The positive energy will then start attracting more positive experiences.  The individual will not need to worry about how he or she stacks up against everyone else.  The only thing that the individual will need to pay attention to is his or her main goal for this lifetime.  Everything else does not matter anymore.  Will there still be difficult times in life?  The answer is going to be yes.  If one is living a soul centered existence, then he or she will eventually learn how to make the best out of a situation that is not so pleasant. 

At the end of the day, everyone has the free will to choose how he or she wants to live.  One can choose to continue living in a fear based manner.  As stated earlier, this will lead towards attracting things that might not be so great.  If an individual chooses to live with a more optimistic outlook, then positive experiences will not be too far away.  A person can either live for others by competing for the good graces of someone else that will decide the worth of the individual, or he or she can live for his or herself by deciding his or her own worth.  There is only one real question in life.  Do I value the voices of others more than I value my own inner voice?  Once this choice is made, then every other decision stems from the answer. 

Heart is Where the Home Is

Material possessions sometimes have more of an influence on one’s life then they really should.  Food and shelter are things that are required to sustain a healthy physical existence, and everything else is a luxury.  Material things do not dictate who anyone is as an individual.  They only serve as a physical extension of who a person is on the inside. 

My childhood home has been up for short sale since the middle of September.  I have lived off of Nicodemus Road in Reisterstown for close to thirty one years.  I moved to Taneytown due to my mother marrying another man.  My biological father took the house over, and I still visited the house every other weekend.  I moved back into my childhood home after my mother passed away in early 2001. 

I still am not able to find a place to live after the house that I have lived in all of my life has been sold.  I might end up in a place that might not suit all of my needs because of my gift of Cerebral Palsy.  I was a little blue about the idea that something bad might happen to me at first.  I got over all of my negative thinking within three days or so.  I realized that no one can take my mind away.  As long as I have my thoughts, then I am the same person that I have always been even if I no longer have a physical address of residence.  My thoughts and mind are what define my character.  One’s thoughts and heart go together.  You cannot have a person who thinks positive things with an evil heart.  The heart is where an individual’s home exists.  Home is not a physical by any means.  As long as I have a good head on my shoulders, then I will always have a good home. 

At the end of the day, the home that I have always lived in was never mine to begin with.  This house was always my father’s place.  Now that he has passed away, it would be best if the house passes on to a new owner as well.  I already have home within my heart and mind.  I do not need anything else in order to be happy.    

Mirror Images

It has always been said that mirrors are harmless because they are just a reflection.  This is hardly ever the case.  Mirrors reflect back what we put our energy towards.  If one does not like his or her reflection then all he or she has to do is try to focus on the positive aspects of a situation while letting his or her feelings flow even if they are negative.

I work inside of a call center talking to others about financial matters.  I am not allowed to go to the bathroom very often.  I have to stick to the script without showing any emotion whatsoever.  I am supposed to sit in a chair and take verbal abuse all day long without blinking.  Because I am not allowed to feel things deeply, my inner voice gets upset when I do not listen to it.  My stomach then starts to get tight, and I might feel sick later on in the day.  This happened on a daily basis for quite a while.  I have even suffered stress related illnesses such as pharyngitis because of the circumstances.

When my father was still alive, my home life was not that great.   I did not feel like I could express myself freely in front of him.  I was always very dry and somewhat robotic when he was around.  This is very similar to how I felt when I am at work.  Because I was stressed out a lot of the time, I had difficulty going to the bathroom right before going to bed.  Sometimes my father would pick me up from work when I got sick and wanted to come home early.  Before even getting out of the car to help me pack up my walker, he would say things such as “you are going to lose your fifty thousand dollar job.”  Any other ordinary person would ask how I was feeling and wonder why I got sick quite a bit.  My father was never concerned about my health.  When I got some teeth pulled late last year, the only thing that my father worried about was whether or not my I had job security.  The same can be said for my place of employment as well.  When the company bought lunch for the employees, everyone was served food from places such as Pizza Hut, Chik-fil-A, and Popeyes.  These are not the best choices for nourishment when it comes to nutrition. 

My father went to the hospital a few days after the Fourth of July holiday.  I did not have a ride home from the work that day.  I had to take a taxi to get home.  I then called the police to file a missing person’s report because I was not aware that my father had been hospitalized.  My father was only supposed to visit the doctor after he dropped me off at the call center.  I then received news of my father’s passing three weeks later through a text message from my brother.  I had to make the choice the night before weather or not I would try to prolong the life span of my father or let him go.  I have been or leave from work for a while trying to sort out my affairs from what transpired

The comparison of the call center and my father indicate that they were just mirror images of one another.  I felt as if I could not express myself freely in the call center as well as in a conversation with my father.  My father did not care about my health or his for that matter.  This image is replicated in the food choices that were offered at work.   I had suffered bathroom difficulties in both places on multiple occasions.  I took leave from the call center the day I filed the missing person’s report.  In a sense, my father’s death marked changes in my career path. 

Mirrors are not just a pointless reflection that we use for physical beauty.  They reveal what is going on in each of our lives.  Everyone has the ability to change the path that he or she is traveling at any point in time.  People can choose to believe that mirrors lie about their reflection, or they can take steps to improve what is reflected.  Every event in life comes down small choices made on a daily basis.  The choices that an individual selects in the present are then reflected in an event that takes place at some later time period.  Choices start from the inside and then ripple outward.  I did not use my power in active way.  I let others take my power and use it for themselves.  The choice to give my power away led down a pathway full of negative consequences.  My father abused me by draining all of my financial resources.  I did not have much of an identity of my own outside of my job at the call center.  Now I have to develop an identity that is separate from a career.  I need to develop some skills that I value in order to leave my mark on the world.  Ever since my father and the call center have disappeared from my life, I am no longer stressed over every little thing.  The reflection in the mirror is a lot different now than it was five months ago.  Hopefully the choices I am currently making will change the image that I see for the better.     

Your Intuition Knows Best

The human body can sometimes seem quite remarkable in the way that it functions.  It has standard processes such as digestion, blood circulation, and bladder control.  The body also has the ability to tell an individual how a given situation is likely to turn out.  This ability is sometimes called a gut feeling while others prefer the name intuition.  No matter which term suits you best, the ability will make you more knowledgeable and save you a lot of time in the long run. 

I ended up learning things the hard way back in September of this year.  I was searching for an apartment to stay in due to short sale happening on my childhood home.  After speaking to a local apartment leasing office in my neighborhood, I came to the conclusion that this particular community was not suitable to my needs.  This place was not accessible for those who are handicapped in some way.  The representative told me that there would be a curb that I would have to traverse, but that would be it. 

I was dead set against going to see the apartment because I knew that the experience would not end well.  I eventually went against my own advice when I received a phone call from the leasing office one day.  The initial e-mail that I received from the leasing office stated that need to have renters insurance before I moved.  I had never heard of renters insurance before, so I wrote an e-mail inquiring what this type of insurance was for.  The woman on the phone explained how renters insurance worked, and we set up a time for an apartment tour.  I decided to go and see the apartment just so I could say I that I had the experience of looking for new place.  I wish I would have listened to my gut. 

I made the appointment for the apartment tour around two in the afternoon.   The address the complex gave me is not the exact address of where the leasing office was located.  I rode around the neighborhood for fifteen minutes before I found the office.  After I spoke to one of the staff members regarding an apartment, and then took me on a tour of the apartment I would be renting.  This woman took my ID card, and then placed in a drawer until the tour was finished.  While I understand this was done for security reasons, I do not know why I was not allowed to have my card back after my identity was confirmed.  We took a ride out to the apartment in the complex’s van.  I get out of the van and went up the curb with my walker only to be greeted by a huge hill. Once I got up to the top, I then walked across three yards before I reached the back entrance to the vacant apartment.  While going across the other people’s yards, all I could think about was snowfall.  It was at this point that I made up my mind not to take the place.  The apartment itself was actually pretty good.  It had only one bed room, but it also had a den and living room.  The den was just as big as the bedroom was.  There was no washer and dryer, but the utility room was right across the hallway from where I would be staying.  The only catch was that I had to buy cards for the washer and dryer at the leasing office.  This would be difficult for someone with a disability such as mine.

The apartment tour finally ended, and I was taken back to the leasing office.  I never made it back inside the actual building.  The woman gave me back my ID card, and did not even invite me inside while I waited for Lyft to pick me up. 

The Lyft driver took forever to reach me.  This was not his fault at all.  As stated earlier, the address to the leasing office was a bit of a mystery.  I ended up hanging on to the complex’s van for forty five minutes while the Lyft driver tries to find me.  I tried to give him direction on where I was based on his location.  I eventually was picked up, and then I asked to be taken to my local diner.

My intuition gave me all the information I needed to know before I even went on the apartment tour.  I already knew from the very beginning that things would not go well.  My intuition ended up being correct.  There is no reason for anyone to hold on to another person's ID card for a long period of time.  Walking across the yards of other apartments is ridiculous.  Weather is just one issue that I would have had to deal with.  I am sure that the neighbors would not appreciate me walking across their property all the time.  I would not have had to wear my legs out standing around waiting for a Lyft driver either.  Next time I have a gut feeling, I will be sure to listen what it has to say.