The Truth About Job Security

Career and financial securities are probably a top priority for a lot of people.  Everyone wants to know that they will be taken care of all the time.  The old saying goes, “you might be ok with your job, but is your job ok with you?”  Everyone has heard this in one form or another at some point in his or her life.  In could not be further from the truth.

I recently had a position at Toyota Financial Services.  I was a customer representative for the lease end department.  I spoke to people about their excessive wear and use bills along with disposition fees.  I have worked in call centers before, so the complaints about how much things cost were nothing new to me.  My supervisor stated that he needed to do some side by sides with me so he could get a better picture of how I handle customers.  It took him two weeks to sit down with me during four phone calls to make sure I was doing everything right.  I had already been taking calls for a month before this transpired.  This was one of the telltale signs that told me the job I was doing was not the right one for me.  I would sometimes stare out the window and look at the shining its bright light on everything in sight.  I would think to myself, “wouldn’t it be awesome if I could be out in the sun right now instead taking calls from customers that ultimately do not want to pay their bill no matter how little money is owed.  This was another sign that the job I was doing was not in my best interest whatsoever.  I use Uber and Lyft quite often to get myself back and forth from place to place.  I started to get picked up from drivers who “used” to work at Toyota Financial themselves.  This was not only an indicator that I was in the wrong job, but that my time as a customer service representative would come to an end shortly. 

A few weeks after the events described above came and went, I was let go from my position at Toyota Financial Services.  I was not let go due to performance issues.  I was ok with my job for the most part, but my job was not ok with me.  If this were the case, then I would still be there now taking the exact same calls over and over again.  I saw all the signs telling me to get out, but I did not think that my time would come so soon.  The reason given for my termination was because I was absent too many times within a short period.  I was only out three times within two months. 

What I learned is that there is no such thing as external security.  It is up to the individual to be secure in his or her own decisions.  What may seem secure may disintegrate in the blink of an eye.  There is no point in holding yourself back in life due to the false sense of security that something else may bring an individual.  Everyone secures themselves by committing to their decisions.  That is the only security one has in life anyway.  We can only secure the choices that we make.  Everything else is always up in the air.        

The Fear that Lurks Deep Within

The first time I felt the need to leave my job was when I was kicked off on storm duty in January 2016.  My supervisor said that I was too sluggish getting inside the building when there was thirty inches of snow on the ground.  She also indicated that I was holding up other people from starting work on time because they needed to help me get inside.  I got put up in a hotel, and the company almost made me pay for it.  After I returned to work, I started getting sick left and right.  I had Pharyngitis, and I was diagnosed with adult allergies.  My supervisor kept telling me to go home a lot.  When I eventually caved in, I got hit with a warning for taking too many sick days.  mMy father eventually passed away and I could not find adequate transportation back to work.  I got on short term disability, and I was told that my leave could last up to a year by the HR supervisor.  The head nurse Sallie Dicus kept pushing me to go for  long term disability even after I told her that no doctor would sign for it.  I saw a psychiatrist, and he stated that he would need to see me for a few months before he would sign anything.

My whole problem was the company I worked for would not make any good accommodations to help me continue with employment.  The company was perfectly capable of turning me into a mobile representative.  Due to a specific rule that says a rep needs to have all three skill levels to become mobile is ridiculous.  I had high marks on all my call reviews and was exceeding expectations.  The company should have met me halfway, but policy was policy and nothing could be done.

I'm grateful for the experience because it taught me how to stand up for myself.  I now know how to make quick and important decisions because of everything that transpired.  I have learned to take my power back.  This whole incident created my fear of working in corporations as a whole, but the only reason the fear existed was because I was too afraid to go to extremes to better my life. 

To add insult to injury,  I have taken a shadow job instead of going for the one that I really want.  The job that I have taken has a lot of similarities to the job that I really desire, but it's just not as good.  I had the idea that if I took one job that I could not have the other one.  However, I can always leave a job for the real one at any point.  I fear being locked into a contract, and not being able to escape.  The thing I need to understand is that I and always a free agent.  No one owns me whatsoever.  I can pick and choose how I run my life.  If a few bridges burn, then so be it.   There are plenty more bridges to be crossed. 

Freedom is the Greatest tool that Everyone can use

(This is another letter that I wrote to my father)

Dear father,

It has come to my attention that you and I still have some old baggage that we need to square away.  I am not mad at you that much anymore about everything that happened between us before you died.  I know that you grew up in fifties and sixties when society was trying to force uniformity onto every individual and business that existed at the time.  I learned from an Italian substitute teacher back in high school that around this time frame, a person’s work was more important than his or her safety.  I am sure that this extended to self-expression as well.  Uniformity was valued over individualism.  I am aware that my existence threw all of the values that were enforced in your day out the window.  I was born with Cerebral Palsy, which made my body different than the “standard” individual.  I had difficulties in adjusting to how society worked. 

I am sure that my transgender nature also came as a big shock to you.  The type of transformation that I went through was unheard of in your day.  People definitely did not openly express themselves in this manner fifty years ago.  I know that you thought the best thing for me was to do things the traditional way.  Your negative actions towards my self-expression were just your way of trying to make sure that I did not get hurt.  You were scared that I would become an outcast in society and ruin my life forever.  You thought I was just trying to challenge the status quo because I could. 

The information that was missing all of these years was the fact that you never felt as if you could express yourself freely.  This is why you and I would argue about the heat in the winter time.  You would always say “no one is going to tell me what to do in my own house.”  The anger that you showed towards me was because you thought I was taking away your form of self-expression.  This is also the reason that you could never sell the house we lived in together.  The house was your sense of freedom.  You could make your own rules and do things your way.  You felt inhibited in every place outside the home.  Even though you and I argued a lot, we both were fighting for the exact same thing.  We both wanted freedom from our inner turmoil.  You wanted freedom from the constraints that society placed on you long ago, and I wanted the freedom to use my own power the way that I saw fit. 

The thing that we did not realize was that we could have obtained our freedom long ago.  We let the conditioning of society get to us, and that is why we felt like we lived in some type of cage for most of our lives.  You could have opened up a business that revolved around something that you actually cared about.  Maybe you would have felt like you had freedom outside the home.  If I would have stood up for myself earlier in life and actually learned that I could do more things for myself than I was led to believe, then maybe I would not have hated you so bad when you were alive.  I felt like I had no freedom because I always needed help from everyone else.  The thing I learned since your death is that I do not need much help at all.  I pay all the bills on time, and I found out about Uber and Lyft.  I could have talked to you about getting a data plan for the phones in order to download the apps for both services, but I never did that.  I never brought up or forced the issue, so I did not get anything out of it. 

The events we shared together are all in the past now.  I plan to move farther away from the Baltimore area and create the life I want for myself.  The bank owns the house now, so I have to get out of it in the near future.  I no longer hold any grudges against you.  Become a soul that shines brightly in the universe and use the knowledge that you gained in our interactions to help others living or dead.  You taught me how to take my own power back.  I cannot pinpoint what you have learned from me, but I hope you learned that all the different ways an individual can express him or herself is important.  Individuals make up society, so when each person lives authentically, society as a whole becomes a little bit better over time.  

The Willingness to Change Leads to truth

Going through a spiritual ascension can be a rather difficult period in one’s life.  The individual’s beliefs start to change.  All of the friends a person had seem to drop off the planet for no reason.  The individual cannot seem to figure out the next step to take in his or her life.  Cold symptoms as well as hot flashes start appearing on a regular basis.  The sicknesses never escalate into anything serious. 

I started going through a spiritual ascension around two weeks ago.  The symptoms I was feeling mimicked the dental issues that I had back in the winter of 2016.  I thought some more teeth were infected in my mouth.  The right side of my face hurt quite a lot.  This issue calmed down six days later.  I then started feel small burning sensation in my legs, feet, and lower back.  The back of my head also felt like this as well.  They feel like hot poker burns.  This type of inflammation feels hot temperature wise.  The inflammation comes and goes spontaneously. 

I have been going through some serious fatigue.  I do not feel like doing anything a lot of the time.  Going to the bathroom has also changed as well.  My body tends to want to release fecal matter a little at time in chunks that are less solid than usual.  My body also does not feel as heavy even after eating foods such as lasagna or pizza. 

All of the symptoms are probably just indicators of something much bigger that will happen to me.  I am not talking about moving from one place to another or getting a new job.  Something else will happen that will tie everything together.  Whether this is something big in itself or something small that will be used to propel me forward to where I am supposed to go.  The solution to all of my issues is not going to be something easy.  I am going to have to take a huge leap if I want live my life my way.  No one else is going to be able to help me do it.  Most people do not bother taking their own power back.  I am trying to break free from the “daily grind” and live a life worth living.  I can only rely on myself to reach this goal.  There might be others here and there that might help me do specific things, but the rest is up to me. 

A spiritual ascension will push individual to his or limits.  It is going to strip away everything that is false about the individual with only the core exposed.  A spiritual ascension is where one’s authentic self truly starts to come into its own.  An individual can try to go back to what he or she did before, but it will not last.  The old way of living will collapse in on itself and take the person along with it.  One can either choose to follow his or her heart willingly, or the universe will use circumstances to force the individual to change.  Everyone has the will to decide to live up to their own truth or choose to hide away for the rest of their lives.  I am trying to change willingly.  I still have my bad habits, but I am still trying to push forward anyway.  I look forward to making the most of this energetic change that I am going through.  The changes that a spiritual ascension brings do seem scary from time to time, but they are most likely necessarily for an individual to achieve his or her desired goal.   

Using your Talents to Shape the Life you Deserve

Changes in life sometimes come at a blink of an eye.   An individual is sitting at a dead end job thinking that life will not get any better one day only to wake up and figure out what he or she is supposed to be doing with him or herself the next.  One could become spiritual for what seems like no reason at all.  This happened to me, and I could not be happier with the changes that are occurring. 

I first got into helping others because I saw a lack of understanding through everyday conversations that I would have with others.  I noticed that the average Joe tends to mix up Cerebral Palsy and Multiple Sclerosis.  One is a disease while the other is a birth defect.  A disease impacts the body over time while the other impacts the body one time during birth.  In other words, a birth defect will cause a person’s body to degenerate over the course of his or her life.  There are different degrees as to how a birth defect affects the individual, but it will not worsen over time. 

I have had a disability for thirty one years.  I know all the ins and outs of Cerebral Palsy.  The major conclusion that I came to during a crossroads in my life is that a disability is actually a gift in disguise.  When one follows his or her passion, then the obstacles he or she faces begin to disappear.  In other words, once an individual engages in what he or she is meant to do, then negative situations become the exception instead of the rule.  Each person living on this planet is a teacher of some sort.  Everyone is an expert in something whether they believe it or not. 

The only reason why a disability is seen as just that is because of the way society is structured at the moment.  The majority of society sees those with disabilities as people who are disadvantaged who need to be brought up to speed with “everyone else.”  This is not the case at all.  Once the disabled as well as the rest of society takes their power back, then no one will need to be brought up to speed.  The disability that one has will then be transformed into a gift that can be used to help him or herself as well as others.  Once the gift is used for its proper purpose then all of the challenges surrounding it will vanish.  No one will need to receive assistance from the government.  Everyone will be in charge of themselves and live with everything they need in order to survive on a daily basis. 

The main issue that hold people back from achieving their dreams and a stable living environment is fear.  When an individual focuses on fear more than his or her creative pursuits, then that is when negative things start happening on a regular basis.  When people think of someone who works as an artist, they always put the word “starving” in front of the noun.  The fact of the matter is that the opposite is true.  When one focuses on what he or she was meant to do, material goods and financial stability start to appear out of the woodwork.  The consensus believes that a salary position in a company with a 401k is the best thing since sliced bread.  In actuality, what a salary position does is lock a person into receiving a minimal amount of pay for an amount of work that is most likely worth four or five times as much. 

I chose writing as way to share my knowledge with others.  I have always been one to go into detail about absolutely everything.  I would always tell everyone to explain the whole thing whenever they would bring a topic  up.  Instead of just posting comments online, I figured that I would actually try to use my gift to help express myself more effectively as well as inspire other people.  This is what my purpose is in this lifetime.  I am supposed to take the knowledge I have gained, and use it to assist others in bringing out their best qualities.  As long as I follow this path, then I will always have what I need in order to live a happy life.

Everyone is born with a gift that they must share with the rest of the world.  This gift will tie into the life purpose of each individual on the planet.  Once people start following their own path, their gifts will become more accessible than ever before.  Everyone will then live in abundance and the lack of what is required to function on a daily basis will not be an issue any longer.   

Learning how to show Compassion

The world can sometimes be a very scary place to be.  A good part of the population is still stuck in survival mode, and this can lead to circumstances that would be very unpleasant to deal with.  On the other side of the coin, compassion is something that a lot of people seem to have forgotten about.  I also forgot about compassion as well during last night’s conference regarding getting a name or gender marker altered. 

The conference started inside a small room within the Chase Brexton healthcare facility in Baltimore City.  A person by the name of Monica stated that she does not trust any medical institution.  She thought that the medical was talking about her when she was unconscious from anesthesia.  Another individual who identified as a trans man told his story about working a job in the medical field.  He made sure that the doctors gendered people correctly.  A non-trans female lawyer also explained that she was at the conference in order to obtain information to serve her clients more efficiently.  Monica decided to start arguments with both lawyer, and the trans man.  She asked them both what they are doing here.  The lawyer explained once more that she was there to gather information to help her clients.  Monica did not like this answer.  She felt as though she was being observed and did not feel that was equal to the lawyer.  Monica also had an issue with the story the trans man gave regarding his experience in the working world.  In other words, the only thing Monica would have accepted for a legitimate answer would have been someone saying that he or she was at the conference to help takes steps to get his or her name or gender changed.  Back stories did not matter to this woman. 

I began to lose my cool on the inside as Monica berated these two individuals over and over about why there were at the conference in the first place.  I wished the host of the conference would have stood up and told Monica to stop, but she just sat there instead.  I could have voiced my opinion, but I did not want to add insult to injury.   The host probably thought the same thing. 

After the arguments were over, the conversation then turned to gender identification on medical forms that one receives in the waiting room of an office.  People were complaining about forms stating “female” and “trans female” instead of “cis female” and “trans female.  Certain people felt that this was an injustice to the transgender population.  One person thought that the different boxes on the forms forced people to indicate how they perceive their bodies.  It just amazed me that no one brought up the fact that transition is more of an internal movement than an external one.  No one talked about what they learned from transition so far.  It was always about others people’s perception of who they were.  Transition is about the journey to express one’s inner nature.  I felt like I did not belong at this conference.

After the conference was over, I went to the diner in my neighborhood to try to raise my spirit.  This helped a little bit, but it took about five more hours before I was able to get the whole incident out of my head.  I did not sleep at all during the night.

 

I thought the whole conference was about helping others with changing one’s name or gender marker.  I came to the meeting to tell my story about changing both of these things.  I hoped to inspire others with my words, but this did not happen.  I was the one who was taught something in the end.  I did not see the conference this way immediately after it was over.  The universe was teaching me how to have compassion for others who were less fortunate than I was.  If someone told me three years ago that transition was a journey from the inside out, I probably would not have paid attention to a word that this person was saying.  I too was stuck on physical and vocal changes for a long time, and I would not have been able to see the bigger picture.  I have to remember that I was once where some the people at the conference are now.  I wish I would have had this in mind before I went to the conference. 

The reason that I had no knowledge of being taught a lesson was because I absorbed the negative energy that Monica was sending out.  I let her rampage on two other people affect my mood.  This in turn lowered my vibration.  I began to think solely of my needs just as she was doing.  This is why I was not able to see what was really going on in the conference.  Monica controlled everything, and no one did anything to stop it.  This includes me as well.  If I would have stood up to her and changed the topic, then I might have been able to raise the vibration of the rest of the room.  I was somewhat of being physically assaulted, so I did not say anything.  I had an opportunity to change things for the better, but I decided to give into fear instead. 

Now that I realize that I actually do absorb the energy of others, I can then take more constructive measures to protect myself in the future.  I now know how to handle myself in an environment where low vibrations are dominant.  I also understand that I need to show more compassion to those who cannot see the good in the world.  I need to remember that I was not always as optimistic about my life when I was younger.  I was able to pick up on Monica’s vibration right after she opened her mouth.  I should have showed compassion towards her from the start.  I guess the night was not a complete waste.  I might have failed to inspire others, but I learned something about myself in the process.  

Becoming a Victim to your own Emotions

Emotions can sometimes make people do crazy things.  This is especially true when one is a seemingly bad situation.  I became a victim to my negative emotions this passed Friday, and the results were not good at all. 

I have been trying to find a new place to live for about nine months.  The property I live in now is up for short sale and could face foreclosure at the end of April of this year.  I have a condition known as Cerebral Palsy, so it is hard for me to find a place that is in a fair price range and will suit my needs.  I cannot do steps that well, and this would make doing a simple task such as washing clothes almost impossible without a washer and dryer close by. 

I finally found a place in the same town where I live currently.  The apartment was all on one level and included a washer and dryer all for the price of $1169.  That amount would have been difficult for me to afford, but it was the only game in town.  I knew I had to be out my current place as soon as possible.  I decided to go up to the complex and see if there were any addition details regarding the apartment. 

I tried calling for an Uber, and the first person that was supposed to pick me up cancelled the ride.  I should have taken this as a sign that none of what I was about to do would lead to a good ending, but I was too “determined” to listen to the signs that surrounded me.  I called another Uber driver and went down to the apartment complex.  When I arrived, I walked up and down the parking lot trying to find a ramp to get up on the sidewalk.  This was the second sign that the apartment was not the right place for me.  ”Coincidentally,” someone from the leasing office came out of the building and helped me up the sidewalk as well as the steps to the front door. The personnel inside ran the necessary processes to get me approved for the apartment.  They wanted my social security card due to an issue that was present in their system.  One of the ladies at the office offered to drive me home so that I would save on the cost of calling for an Uber ride.  I gave her my social security card, and she told me that she would back in just a little while after everything had been completed.  I should not have loaned my card to someone I barely knew, but there were not a whole lot of options available, so I decided to take a risk.  I knew I had to get out of my old place before the bank forces me to leave.  I got a call an hour later from the complex asking if I had any other identification outside of my state ID.  I told the person who called that I changed my name almost two years ago.  She wanted me to bring up my name change papers.  I waited two more hours for the woman that drove me home to bring back my card.  She never did come back to my place to explain what was happening.  I decided to cancel everything out then and there.  I called the leasing office back to tell them not to give me the place due to all the issues it was having with my info.  There was obviously something wrong somewhere along the line.  The person I spoke to on the phone said that the office put my social security card in the mail.  I got mad because no one called me to explain the change in plan. 

I took another Uber ride up to the apartment complex.  The Uber driver ended up heading down the wrong road, and I spent more money for that particular ride.  I went up to the office before the mail was taken out.  I got my card back and called for another Uber ride.  The rate for this ride was 1.2 times the normal rate due to a shortage of drivers during hectic business hours.  I was only going down the street to my favorite restaurant.  It was only about a mile down the street, and I ended up paying $7.20 for that ride.  I had to get out of the complex parking lot because the rental office was closing in an hour.  I did not have a choice in the matter.  I did not have the opportunity to wait for until the regular rate was available again.    

If I would have just sat home that day, then all of the issues I faced could have been avoided.  I would not have learned about the red flag on my name, so I guess I learned something from the experience after all.  I wasted a lot time, energy and money when everything would have remained fine if I would have paid attention to the first two signs that told me to avoid the complex altogether. 

I went out to the diner again last night, and I saw a sign for a disability expo regarding independent living in an area that is close to me.  The sign was posted at the end of the road just before going on entrance ramp to the highway.  I then saw a commercial for the expo on Youtube before watching a video later on that night.  This could be a sign that I might find what I am looking for at this expo. 

I learned a valuable lesson this passed Friday.  I cannot let my feelings about a current situation control the actions that I take.  If something is not right, then it is not right regardless of what other external circumstances are happening around me.  I tried my best, and that is what counts.  If the worst ends up happening, then I will just have to deal with it when the time comes.  I tried my best to do things in a practical manner, and I failed.  I can only take things one day at a time.  I need to let situations come to end naturally instead of using force.  There is obviously something bigger taking place outside of this whole ordeal with housing.  All I can do is make better choices in the future.

Eating Healthier from the Inside Out

Eating healthy can be a challenge for many people.  A lot of people have lost touch with their bodies due to the fast paced nature of our environment in the twenty first century.  People are always in a rush to cram as many activities as they can in one day.  Most individuals do not take time to slow down to listen to what their body is telling them.  I ate what I wanted all the time without caring what I did to my body.  Once I started feeling sick on regular basis is when I finally started listening to my body a lot more. 

The first thing I stopped eating when moving forward with my diet change is pepperoni.  I noticed that I would cough up a huge amount of phlegm every time I would eat pizza. I then decided to try cutting out pepperoni to see what would happen.  The next time I went for a pizza, I ordered one with plain cheese.  After I finished eating, I noticed a huge contrast of how I felt this time around compared to all the other times I had pizza with pepperoni.  I no longer coughed up any phlegm.  The only thing I need to work on now is not eating pizza in large quantities. 

Beef was a food that I did not think was half bad the majority of the time.  I stopped eating beef around six months ago due to how heavy it made me feel.  Beef also irritated my stomach to a degree as well.  I thought at first that maybe it was just me, but this was not the case.  Every time I would eat beef, my stomach would end up feeling terrible later on in the day.  I had to give beef up because my body just could not take it anymore.  I came to realize that I did not miss the food itself all that much.  I guess that beef never really was a major part of my to begin with. 

The key to realizing which foods are good for one’s health, and which ones are not so great is by listening to the body in complete silence.  One will be able to hear his or her stomach trying to process the food that was eaten a few hours earlier.  If the individual hears the stomach making all kinds of noises, then this most likely means that the food eaten earlier is something that it does not like. 

Another thing a person can do to improve his or her diet is to avoid eating to the point where another bite cannot be taken.  When an individual feels “full,” then that is an indicator of being overstuffed.  People can eat without feeling full and still have obtained enough nourishment.  No one needs to stuff themselves to where they are forced to stop eating.  The stomach will thank the individual for eating less later on in the day. 

I am not trying to tell anyone what to eat.  I am just trying to give information about how to tell which foods are good for an individual based on his or her own body.  No one will know which food is right until the impact on the stomach is felt.           

Living by Your own Rules

There seems to be a lot of confusion around the meaning of spirituality in recent times.  When most people hear the word spirituality, they automatically assume that it has something to do with organized religion or a creed of some sort.  Spirituality does not have to be associated with rules of any kind whatsoever.  Spirituality is the essence that causes the physical body to take action.  The only reason anyone takes action with his or her body is due to ideas or thoughts that are expressed within the mind.  If spirituality had to be tied down to something specific, then it most likely would be synonymous with thought forms. 

When an individual engages in a soul centered existence, all this means is that he or she living according to his or her own thoughts while avoiding the directives that society tries to impose on him or her.  When one functions in this way, he or she tends to worry a lot less about absolutely everything.  The individual begins to enjoy life a lot more than a person who succumbs to the pressure of the expectations set forth by those who want to uphold the status quo.  When one focuses on what he or she loves to do, life becomes a lot simpler and less stressful.  Negative emotions will only lead to a person making a decision using clouded judgment.  The consequence for this judgment call will attract more negativity towards the individual.  Positive emotions lead to clearer judgment calls that will attract more positivity in the future. 

As long as an individual follows his or her own path in life, then he or she cannot lose.  No one needs a list of rules in order to guide him or her to the right decision because all of the major negative actions can be felt using intuition.  When an individual is about to kill someone else, he or she will surely waver back and forth about performing the act.  His or her stomach will start hurting and possibly tense up.  When one is spiritual, he or she begins to listen to his or her intuition about what actions need to be taken in order to be happy.  There is no rulebook regarding spirituality.  As long as one lives authentically then he or she is living a spiritual life.    

A Different Perspective on Living Life

Everyone goes through major changes at some point in his or life.  These changes can bring extreme challenges when they first begin.  The difficulty in facing the challenges is not always a material one.  Sometimes the challenges reside in a new way of living that one might not think is possible.  The majority of people on this planet live according to immediate desires.  They want to receive instant gratification for their actions.  This is known as personality centered living.  Life is lived through the ego alone.  There is another way of living that is much for fulfilling.  This type of living is known as soul centered living. 

Many people tend to put a lot of energy into things that do not please them.  This can be anything at all.  One might hate his or her living arrangement or job.  The only thing most people do not realize is that each of us has the power to change anything in our lives.  Instead of focusing a lot of energy on fear and what one does not want to happen, one can put their attention on positive things and what he or she does want to happen.  Focusing on something that one does want will change the way events play out in his or her life.  In other words, everybody has the ability to create our own reality. 

The first step to changing one’s reality is for the individual to change his or her thoughts.  Thoughts are a form of energy.  The more we focus on a given idea, the more energy it has to take shape.  If a person continues to focus on what he or she does not desire, then that thought form will have huge amount of energy to come to fruition.  The more an individual focuses on what he or she does want, then that particular thought form will eventually have enough energy to manifest in the physical world.  The more that one lives in accordance with what he or she enjoys, then the easier it will be to live a soul centered life.  One will be able find his or her life purpose a lot faster, then if he or she focuses on fear. 

The negative side of the ego is based off of fear.  This negative attribute tends drive people to make bad choices that might sound smart at first glance.  All the energy put into that one decision causes other things that are similar in nature to attract to the individual.  There is no reason for the ego to try to keep everything the exact same all the time when a person is living his or her life purpose.  The ego is free to focus on maintaining a positive outlook.  The positive energy will then start attracting more positive experiences.  The individual will not need to worry about how he or she stacks up against everyone else.  The only thing that the individual will need to pay attention to is his or her main goal for this lifetime.  Everything else does not matter anymore.  Will there still be difficult times in life?  The answer is going to be yes.  If one is living a soul centered existence, then he or she will eventually learn how to make the best out of a situation that is not so pleasant. 

At the end of the day, everyone has the free will to choose how he or she wants to live.  One can choose to continue living in a fear based manner.  As stated earlier, this will lead towards attracting things that might not be so great.  If an individual chooses to live with a more optimistic outlook, then positive experiences will not be too far away.  A person can either live for others by competing for the good graces of someone else that will decide the worth of the individual, or he or she can live for his or herself by deciding his or her own worth.  There is only one real question in life.  Do I value the voices of others more than I value my own inner voice?  Once this choice is made, then every other decision stems from the answer. 

Fragile Ego

The ego can be a very illusive part of an individual.  People have a tendency to speak of another person’s ego in the arrogant sense of the word.  The particular individual thinks too highly of him or herself.  The ego can also lean towards the other extreme known as self-loathing.  This is when the particular individual thinks poorly of him or herself.  There is not a whole lot of discussion about people who take on the ego of others.

I was born with a condition known as Cerebral Palsy.  Because of this birth defect, my mother did not think I could do anything by myself.  I did not learn how to wipe my butt while going number two until the age of ten.  I basically saw myself the way my mother saw me.  I thought I could not do much of anything without any type of assistance.  My mother was always too afraid to let me do anything by myself, and I ended up absorbing this perception as my ego.  I did not start trying new things on my own until she passed away. 

My father valued both money and career.  He did not put much value in anything else besides those two things.  I ended up getting a job at my local utility company as a call center representative.  This company held the same values as my father.  I had to answer calls as fast as possible so that the statistics for the day would remain positive.  I ate unhealthy foods and stressed myself out when I failed to meet monthly quotas.  Once I started to have thoughts about doing others things besides working in a call center, I thought I was going insane, and I eventually sought out therapy.  The reason I had difficulty accepting my own thoughts was because I absorbed the perception of my father as well as the utility company. 

I am now starting to develop an authentic sense of self for the first time in my life.  I am quite a peaceful individual.  I do not worry about things nearly as much now that I have stopped trying to live up to other people’s expectations.  My main goal right now is to continue developing my own sense of self.  I am tired of absorbing the perceptions of others.  I want to have my own perception of who I am as a person .  I already know how everyone else sees me as well as the world.  Now it is time for me to ask how I see myself as well and the world. 

I guess the ego really is the most fragile aspect of a human being.  If the ego can change itself without much effort in order to fit in better with everyone else, then clearly the ego is supposed to be used to as a tool to fulfill of something higher than itself.  My ultimate task in this incarnation is to live a more soul centered existence.  As long as I follow my path, then I will not have a reason to absorb energies from anything else.      

Developing Intuition

Intuition can be a rather difficult subject to approach.  The word means different things depending upon the context in which the word is used.  During the Modern period, the philosopher Kant used the word to mean perception of the physical world.  During the present time, intuition means how natural something feels.  If the control layout in a particular video game is not similar to all the other titles in a given genre, then people complain that the controls are not intuitive.  Intuition can also indicate that person picks up on subtleties in his or her environment.  The word is sometimes used when the topic of mysticism is brought up.  Someone can have a knowing that goes beyond the physical senses.  Based on a recent experience I have come to the conclusion that Intuition can also include blind knowledge that an individual has no clue about whatsoever.   

I went to a local pizza place called J and P Pizza.  I sat down at a booth across from where I normally sit.  There was a group of about seven people or so.  After consuming my usual order of one medium cheese pizza and a cherry coke, I accidentally hit the alarm button on my phone.  This option gave me the time of a few different countries.  I decided it would be fun to find the time difference between the United States and Australia.  There was a fifteen and a half hour time difference between the two places.  Thirty seconds after I found the time difference, I hear one of the men in the group say something about Australia.  I am not sure what the details were, but that seemed rather odd.  My thoughts then drifted to what I needed to get done before the day was over.  I also thought about why I seemed to know the time even without looking at a clock too often.  A minute after I began thinking about these ideas, I hear one of the women in the group talk about her daily morning and evening routines. 

About ten minutes later, a couple sits down in a booth that is close to mine.  My mind starts to drift to the financial situation that is happening in my life at the present moment.  The couple then starts talking about betting money on football teams.  Thoughts about health insurance pop into my head.  I was wondering if changing carriers would be an option so early in the year.  The couple in the booth then starts talking about doctor appointments and coughing quite a lot.  The woman also spoke about going to a funeral recently.  These people kept going on and on about sickness.  I began to feel depressed about my life.  I do not why my thoughts turned negative.  I can only assume that I picked up some of the negative energy from the couple in the booth.

One might argue that all of these events are just my subconscious honing in on things that are of value to me.  This is not the case at all.  Australia has no meaning in my life at all.  I am sure that it is a fine continent, but I do not have any relationship with it.  I do not worry about doctor appointments or getting sick too often.  I do not worry about financial matters every day of my life.  There would be no reason for my subconscious to pick any of these things out through the conversations of other people. 

The only other explanation is that I have an underdeveloped sixth sense.  Everyone has the capability of enhancing themselves in this manner.  What form the sixth sense takes all depends on what the individual values the most.  The mind is most valuable thing that I have.  Since I hold this belief, it is no wonder that my sixth sense came out as mental energy.  If I could figure out a way to develop my sixth sense further, maybe I could this ability to help others.  I do not know the exact form my sixth sense would take. 

One thing that I can state for certain is that I have never experienced anything like this before in all of my life.  I know myself pretty well. I have never been one to stretch the truth by any means.  I was never a person with a heavy interest in the occult until about ten months ago.  I would know whether or not my experiences were just a product of my imagination.  My intuition is real, and I will learn to trust what it tells me one day.  Once I am able to master this skill, then I will able to assist others that have fallen on hard times.           

A Letter to my Father

(My father and I had a difficult relationship.  This letter might seem a bit harsh, but I had to let go of some difficult emotions.  I appreciate everyone that has supported me in my journey to become a light worker.  Have an awesome year)

Dear Father:

I hope your soul is doing well after the painful death that you endured.  I wish the best of luck in your next incarnation.  I would try to work on developing values outside materialism and career.  Everyone lives a physical existence on this planet, and we all need physical things in order to sustain ourselves.  You took that idea a bit too far during your last life here on earth.  Your identity was tied to working and making money.  You never really took time to take care of your health.  You also never took too much of an interest in what other people were doing around you.  When no one else would take interest in the things you were doing, then you got an attitude with him or her. 

Things were quite turbulent after you passed away in July.  I am going to lose the house.  I do not know where I will be living as of yet, but I am sure that I will manage something.  I put a few of the bills in my name.  I have been paying BGE, Verizon Wireless, and Verizon Fios for about five months now.  My credit information is still rather lackluster.  This is one of the main reasons that I cannot rent an apartment or room somewhere.  I should not feel too bad though because I do not have any outstanding debts in my name.  One Main Financial and your Elan credit card are paid off in full.  I do not understand why you ran up a three thousand dollar bill on the card.  Why did you have such a huge ego?  You should have asked for help with all of your issues.  The only reason why you probably tried to control everything at home all the time was because you felt like you had no power when it came to your career.

I have moved on with my life.  I have realized that I have the potential to become an occultist, a writer, and a healer.  You probably disapprove of the choices that I have made with my life.  The only thing that you fail to realize is that some people value things other than money.  I let your influence take over my own personality.  The same can be said for BGE as well.  Both of you are similar to one another.  You both valued financial gain above all else.  You both had terrible taste in nutrition.  I still do not know how I ate pizza from Pizza Hut.  I guess I should not be too hard on myself because I did not know any better at the time.  My life feels awesome without either of you in it whatsoever. 

This letter is not about trashing the way you lived.  When you actually responded to things like an ordinary person, then things did not seem half bad.  You were always an awesome person when we went out to eat to places such as The Reisterstown Family Diner, J and P Pizza, and Ledo Pizza.  We had a lot of laughs when we went out.  It is too bad that the joy had to stop once we came home.

My only other point of contention is that you always defended your negative attributes by using me as an excuse.  You always said that I should be thankful that you are around due to my inability to drive.  You cannot use being a “chauffeur” as a reason that I should have overlooked your shortcomings.  I was thankful that you took the time to help me to get the work as well as take me to doctor appointments.  You still had faults of your own that you could have worked on to better yourself.  I was never mad because you were not a perfect person.  I was angry because you never tried to improve yourself one bit. Some of your flaws were so big that they could not be ignored.  I can only guess that you suffered from some kind of mental illness. 

I wrote this letter in order to let go of all the anger that I have had for you over the years.  You are now one with the universe once again.  I am sorry that we did not have a better relationship while you were still around.  I forgive you for all the pain you have caused.  It probably was not all you fault.  Please consider this letter as a symbol of peace

Love

Laruen