Is Meditation Right for Everyone?

Meditation is a practice that a lot of people get into when their lives start going downhill.  One’s health could also take a turn for the worse as well.  Most use meditation in order to calm down from a stressful situation.  The only thing people do not realize is that the practice of meditation may end up changing the way they perceive the world.  Unintentional changes may occur if meditation is performed regularly over an extended period of time. 

When one meditates, he or she calls back to his her own energy as well as the energies of the universe as a whole.  The first thing an individual will most likely notice is that minor ailments will heal after about a week or two.  My arm was always sore from opening up the bathroom door at my job.  My arm healed up within a week after I started meditating regularly.  Falling asleep can occur to beginners even if one is not lying down.  An individual might experience a lucid dream when this transpires..

After meditating for about three months, an individual might be able to feel his or her own aura.  He or she might write it off as some body parts falling asleep, but this is not the case.  An individual will eventually learn that there is nothing wrong with him or her whatsoever.  What is actually happening is that the person’s awareness is growing.  The aura that is felt always existed, but it always went unnoticed by the individual.    

With all of these changes occurring, one’s beliefs about many things will also go through a metamorphosis.  I used to eat beef semi regularly before I started to meditate.  I stopped eating beef almost altogether five months after I started meditating.  The same most likely has happened to a lot of others. 

One will also start to notice synchronicites.  The individual will start learning that coincidences are nothing more than things with similar energy coming together.  When a person thinks or says a certain word to him or herself, he or she will notice that something else will resemble the same thought somewhere else in the room regardless if it is written form, from the TV or spoken from someone else in another seat.

If the career a person has is not doing him or her any good, then regular meditation will eventually lead the individual to rethink what he or she is doing in life.  This happened to me as well.  I was working in a call center trying to achieve arbitrary daily statistics because I thought that doing this would actually bring me success.  My job was the only thing that I cared about.  After I started meditating on a regular basis, I realized that I needed to start writing again.  I also came to the conclusion that I was a healer and needed to help other people take their power back. 

Meditation has many benefits, but it can also have quite a few drawbacks depending on the eye of the beholder.  If an individual likes his or diet, friends, job, residence, town, interests, and hobbies, then he or she might not want to meditate very often if at all.  If a person is happy with living in three dimensions and has no interest in learning what coexists along with it, then it is advised not to meditate.  If an individual likes his or her own opinions and does not want their views challenged in any way, then meditation should be avoided at all costs.  In short, if a human being likes his or life the way it is and does not want to change anything about it, then he or she should not meditate under any circumstances. 

No one warned me that my world would be turned upside down if I engaged in daily meditation.  I went through a small depression because I felt as if the circumstances in my life were forcing me to become something I felt I would not have chosen willingly. After closer examination, I realized that my old life really was not that great in the first place.  This new beginning was the best thing that could ever happen to me.  I figured that I would give an advisory caution to those new or thinking about getting into meditation.  Once a person’s perspective on the world changes, then he or she will never be able to revert back to old thinking patterns.  One needs to make sure that the practice of meditation is for him or her before he or she makes it a daily habit.    

Dealing with Inflammation

Inflammation has been an issue that I have dealt with for the past twelve years.  This is due to the hypersensitivity of nerves located in a specific set of muscles on the body.  The burning sensation that inflammation brings can be quite hard at times.  It pulls individuals away from what they love and forces them to focus their attention on something that is rather undesirable.  I started having issues with inflammation when I developed a condition known as Pelvic Floor Disorder. 

I was first diagnosed with Pelvic Floor disorder in January of 2009.  The issues with my pelvis started four years earlier when I obtained a urinary tract infection.  It burned when I went to the bathroom.  I went to the hospital, and the doctors there gave me pills to clear everything up after they catheterized in order to extract the waste from my bladder.  I was fine for about a year and a half afterwards, and then I got infected in the same area once more.  Pills cleared the infection up, and I went on with my life.  During Christmas of 2008, I began having difficulty urinating.  There was a little bit of a burning sensation this time as well, but not as bad as when I had the other infections.  My urologist told me that I my problems with relieving waste might be more than just a simple infection.  The nerves in my pelvic floor that control the involuntary sphincters have become hypersensitive most likely due to age.  I saw another doctor for a second opinion, and he agreed that I had Pelvic Floor Disorder.  This guy told me that it was a progression of my Cerebral Palsy.  After the doctor gave me his two cents regarding my problem, I decided to stop seeing him altogether.  Cerebral Palsy does not get progressively worse through time.  It is a birth defect.  A person will remain affected by Cerebral Palsy to the same degree throughout his or her lifetime.  There are different degrees of this birth defect, but the degree does not change depending on time or age. 

My pelvic floor condition does not allow me to empty my waste properly.  Sometimes I will have to go to the bathroom twice in one hour just to relieve myself completely.  I also become constipated rather often.  I sometimes sit on the toilet for about an hour and a half trying to have a bowel movement.  My involuntary sphincters will flip out for what seems like no reason.  I have come to realize that the sphincters spaz out when my nerves become inflamed.  My fecal matter will remain at the bottom of the toilet instead of floating to the top like everyone else’s.  Cleaning out the toilet bowl becomes a nightmare because of this fact.  My condition can make it difficult to enjoy any activity in life.  I do not know when I will have the urge to go to the bathroom.  I also will have to sit in pain due to the inflammation that can arise even when I do not have to use the bathroom. 

The main thing I learned when dealing with the pelvic floor as well as inflammation in general is to keep the area clean.  One should go to the bathroom when the urge is first felt.  An individual would be wise to start eating smaller portions during every meal of the day.  This will ensure that the stomach and bowels do not become extremely irritated at a later time.  Pills have never really helped my nerves that much, so I would not suggest trying to relieve pain in this manner..  As long as one is active aware of his or her body, then inflammation of any type can be manageable without too much intervention. 

Gender Confusion: Retold

Being transgender is one of the hardest obstacles to overcome in today’s society.  The transformation that one goes through is no small feat by any means.  One puts everything at risk when he or she decides that transition is for him or her.  The individual’s inner world will have to be expressed.  This information will be judge by someone in the medical field.  The key to a successful transition is to take things one step at a time.

The feeling that I was transgender did not start until I was around fifteen years of age.  Before this, I identified as a gender congruent male.  For whatever reason, my brain decided it would be a cool idea to try on opaque hosiery sometime during puberty.  I never actually accomplished this goal until much later.  The idea remained a fantasy for quite some time.  I never actually told anyone in person about my desires until the summer of 2002.  While I was in the shower, this individual put a skirt and top on my bed as a joke.  The only thing that this person did not realize was that she was the one being fooled.  When I got out of the shower, I saw the clothes and tried them on to see if they would fit.  Once I told the individual that brought out the clothes for me to find, she let me keep them. 

Around the spring of 2003, my desires went beyond just wearing women’s clothes.  I actually wanted to be seen as a girl in everyday life.  I had no idea where this thought came from.  I did not know what to do with this new found idea.  I developed a sense of jealousy towards the girls in my school.  I wanted to be as they were, but I knew that I could not achieve this goal no matter how hard that I tried. 

During the winter of 2004, I decided that it was time to start developing my voice.  I did not practice very often.  I only practiced for about an hour every night.  I eventually gave up after three weeks of practice because I still was not one hundred percent sure that I was indeed a transsexual.

I then decided that even if I were a woman at birth, I probably would not have been that different anyway.  That is when I started identifying as genderless individual.  This only lasted for a little over a year.  It was probably just an effort to reduce to my dysphoria.  I did not realize that my gender issues would be back stronger than ever when they surfaced once again.    

During the spring of 2007, my dysphoria returned to the forefront of my mind.  I became upset about being a guy.  I then went searching for information on the Internet regarding transsexualism.  I eventually found the huge trans community that existed on Youtube.  I ended up receiving a private message from someone in regards to a comment I had left on a video.  She and I became great friends.  This individual also became my twenty four hour therapist. 

For the next four years, I kept going back and forth on whether I was truly trans or not.  This was a very dark period in my life.  I could not find any logical reason as to why I felt fine as a male for fifteen years of my life, and then suddenly feel negative about my gender for the second half of my life.  I got so depressed about not being able to figure this out that I once said that I wanted to suck all the sin out of the world and then die.  I never had a strong Christian upbringing, so it is interesting that I used the word “sin” instead of “evil.” 

During the spring of 2011 is when I finally decided that I was going to transition.  I figured out that I would never know one hundred percent if transition was right for me until I decided to go for it.  I did not have that much to lose in the first place.  I was not close to anyone in my family outside of the immediate members.  I did not have a whole lot of close friends left.  They had all moved to another state at this point in their lives.  I did not have a job at this point, so it would have been impossible to any type of employment.  The only thing holding me back was my own doubt. 

The first step I took in my transition was to develop a female voice.  I did not have any money to do anything else.  You do not need money in order to work on a voice.  Voice surgery is just expensive garbage that does not yield positive results the majority of the time.  Why pay for something that you can achieve yourself? 

The first thing I did in regards to developing a female voice was talk to my friend from Youtube.  I also downloaded a spectrogram as well as virtual voice tuner.  I learned that the female voice is between 200-230 hertz while voices are between 100-120 hertz.  Raising the pitch up to the female range was not super difficult.  Finding the correct resonance for the female voice is the challenging part.  Females have less of a bass in their voices, but the trick is not getting rid of the bass completely.  The female voice is just less of the male voice.  In order to achieve the female resonance, one needs to tighten up the base of her through and then relax enough in order to project her voice loud enough to be heard.  It is easier to show how this is done than the written word can do to explain the process.  There was a content creator on Youtube that showed the breathing exercises that she used.  I learned where the female resonance was located by breathing in through my mouth and nose at the same time.  By doing this, one will hear the breath inside her own head.  Everyone has heard her voice inside her own head before.  If one has ever been to the mountains or inside of a pool, then chances are that her ears have popped while she was in the middle of a conversation.  This can also occur after an individual yawns.  Immediately after she starts to speak, the voice will be in her head and then the ears pop.  Hearing the breath inside of one’s head is similar to those instances.  When words are spoken, the throat needs to remain someone tightened but loose enough to be projected.  When I first learned how to speak in a more feminine voice, I fell victim to the same issue that every other transsexual does when developing her voice.  I was too scared to relax my throat enough to allow my full voice to be heard.  This made things sound off.  I did not like the sound of my voice at all.  After I practiced for several months, I realized that I no longer needed to breathe through my nose in order to help tighten up throat.  I learned how to tighten my throat and just breathe in through my mouth.  Melodic intonation is the final step in achieving a female voice.  I used the Harvard Sentences in order to learn how to speak like the majority of women in today’s society.  I just downloaded a few sample files from the Internet.  The first sentence is the one I practiced the most.  This sentence read, “The birch canoe slid under the smooth planks.”  I must have recorded this sentence at least fifty times or more. 

During April of 2012, I scheduled a voice consultation with the legendary Andrea James.   I was shocked to learn that I was rather advanced in my voice progression.  I still did not like the sound of my voice, but I would have to learn to accept it as time pushed forward. 

In May of 2013, I finally obtained a job out in the work force.  I was a call center representative at my local electric utility company.  I had to go back to using my male voice for the majority of each day.  I still kept up with my voice practices at night.  Throughout the next year and a half, I noticed that my male voice had changed somehow.  While trying to speak with more melodic intonation to customers in my male voice, I realized that I was going up into the female register without even trying.  The customers never said a word about the change in pitch and resonance.  They were too busy complaining about how I sounded like a foreigner.  I was born and raised in the Baltimore area, so I have no idea why others thought I was Chinese or Jamaican.

During April of 2015, I decided to come out to my supervisor at work.  She found out from the human resources department that I would need to have my name legally changed in order to present as female.  I still had to use the men’s bathroom until my name was officially changed by a judge.  The people I would run into within the bathroom were starting to ask me if I belonged in there.  I told my supervisor as well as my human resources representative about the issue, but there was nothing anyone could do until my name change was finalized. 

The name change process is not that difficult in the state of Maryland.  Only three sheets of paperwork are required to change one’s name.  I had to fill out the petition for a name change in the most princess like handwriting possible.  I then had to fill out the paper to publish my name change in a local paper.  I then filled out part of the order for a name change that the judge would approve.  The total cost for everything came to about seventy two dollars.  The judge denied the order the first time due to my bad handwriting.  I went up to the courthouse the following week and got everything resolved.  I had someone assist me on how I could make my handwriting more legible. 

My name was legally changed as of July 31, 2015.  I was finally able to present as female at work two weeks later.  My human resources representative held mini meetings within the call center.  I did not particularly care for the presentation regarding the overview of transgenderism, but the meetings were not God awful by any stretch of the imagination.  I should have been the one to give my own presentation.  None of my co-workers showed any ill will towards me after I transitioned.  One girl hugged in the bathroom because she had an uncle that went through a gender transition as well 

Living as a transsexual has not been too horrible.  I still get misgendered from time to time, but that does not bother me as much anymore.  I know what I have been through to get where I am today, and that is all that matters.  I no longer need anyone else’s approval to be who I am.  My thoughts are what brought me to the choices that I have made over the course of my life.  Just because someone else has a different idea about how another individual should live does not make his or her perception more accurate by any means.  Everyone makes correct choices most of the time, but the consequences do not always look how he or she thinks it should.  The only poor choice that one can make is to think about negative situations that have not arisen or to choose to be so afraid of making the wrong choice that he or she does nothing at all.  I chose to do something about the discomfort that I had with my gender.  I ended up smelling like a rose in the end.  Anyone can come up on the positive side of a situation as long as he or she keeps pushing forward.  As long as a person remains active towards some end, then it will be impossible for the individual to lose.   

  

The Beginning of My Physical Transformation

The year 2013 was not a very big year for anything transition related.  I was still unemployed for the first half of the year due to the poor job market.  I finally scored a position as a call center representative at my local utility company. 

Shortly after I became employed, I bought an epilator online in order to remove unwanted hair on my body.  This experience was not that great.  I did not realize the huge downside to removing hair using this device.  An epilator is just a bunch of tweezers on a motor that spins around in circles.  Bleeding happened quite often after an epilation session.  I actually let my beard grow so that the tweezers could grab onto the hairs on my face and pull them out.  This plan was not intelligent by any means.  It is one thing to pull hairs from one’s arms or legs, and it is another to pull hair off one one’s face.  The pain felt in both areas was night and day.  The rest of the year came and went in a flash.

In February 2014, I finally decided that it was time to start hormones.  I saw my primary doctor, and he told me that he did not know a whole lot about hormone replacement therapy.  I could either go down to a few doctors in Baltimore City, or I could go to a place in the county known as Chase Brexton.  I opted to go to Chases Brexton because it was not too far from where I worked.  I saw the doctor responsible for trans care, and she told me that I would have to make Chase Brexton my primary care provider so that I could be put on hormones when the time came.  I had to get some bloodwork done before a full dose of hormones could be prescribed.  My health insurance provider did not accept anything from the company Labcorp.  Chase Brexton did not have a relationship with Quest Diagnostics at the time, so I had to get all the medical codes for each test translated so that the company would perform the tests.  This bureaucratic issue with bloodwork made quite angry.  I went home crying the first time I was told that the nurses at quest could not perform the blood tests my primary doctor needed.  I thought I would never be able to start hormones, and that I would remain masculine forever. 

Starting the physical transformation process of transition will always be a trying time for anyone that desires to go through the process.  As long as the individual keeps pushing forward, then he or she will be successful.  The best things in life are the things that take of lot of effort.  All of the things obtained easily will not last very long by any means.  It is not always necessarily the end result that is the most important.  The road one travels is where all the character building takes place. 

Standing up for my Beliefs

(Please read the entry title "Does a Phoenix Have a Gender" before proceeding to this entry.)

I felt extremely nervous about my first session with a gender therapist.  What if she told me that she thought I was not “trans enough” to transition?  I do not know how I would have handled that kind of rejection, but kept the appointment anyway. 

I saw my gender therapist for the first time in June of 2011.  The first session was your typical session that happens at any first visit.  I was asked when my gender confusion began.  I told her that my issues began around the middle of my teenage years.  My feelings came out of the blue for no reason whatsoever.  I told my therapist that I had no clue how these feelings developed or why they came out in my teenage years.  The therapist responded by telling me that my story was not as uncommon as I thought it was.  I felt a lot better about myself after the first session was over.  My father told me that he wanted me to “stay as male.” 

I did not see my therapist too often during this time period due to a lack of money.  I probably only saw her about a total of seven times in four years.  I figured out the majority of my issues on my own anyway.  If I would have seen a therapist earlier in my life, then I might have needed more sessions, but that was not the case. 

One of my major concerns was trying to please my father and still do what I wanted at the same time.  I actually flipped out on my birthday in the year 2012.  My father kept asking me why I always sounded so angry with him.  I finally let him have it.  I told him the reason that I was angry was because he would not accept me as Lauren.  My father then told me that my gender issues were a farce.  He also accused me of always going against the norm.  My father told me that he did not have to accept my disability whatsoever.  He could have just walked out on me, and that was that.  I was also to blame for the reason that my nephew never came down to visit us.  That theory was obviously complete garbage.      

I was not going to hide my feelings about I was from my father any longer.  If he did not like the decision that I had made, then that was a problem that only he would have to do with.  I knew who I wanted to be, and no could stop me regardless of how hard he or she would be willing to try.    

The Beginning of my Gender Adventure

Being insecure in one’s gender is a tough thing to handle.  Because gender itself is a spectrum, it can be difficult for an individual to know how he or she wants to identify him or herself.  There is no gauge as to what a person should do based on perceived categories of identification.  The main concern should be how one feels about him or herself.    

My feelings about gender sprouted out of nowhere back in the winter of 2001.  I only had an interest in wearing women’s clothes back then.  For some unknown reason, I had a strong desire to wear pantyhose.  I first got my hands on some clothes in the summer of 2002.  My father’s girlfriend at the time gave me a black top and gray skirt to try on as a joke.  Once I told her that I actually put on the outfit, she let me keep the clothes.  I also scored some dresses a little bit later on that year as well.  I only identified as a crossdresser at this point in time, but that was going to change a few months down the road. 

I was in my senior year in high school during March of 2003.  My feelings about my gender started to get worse for a reason that I could not explain.  I started to desire to actually be a girl instead of just dressing like one.  I looked at other girls in my classes with envy.  I even volunteered to read the lines to Lady MacBeth in English class.  I acted the same as always, so no one ever knew how I was feeling on inside.  The same thing occurred every week.  I would go to school, and then come home only to sleep in a dress.    

After high school ended, I went on to community college.  The desire to be a girl was still inside of me, but I somehow figured out how to deal with it.  In February of 2004, I came to the realization that I was a transsexual.  I started to develop a female voice around this time.  There were not a lot of free resources on the Internet.  I was lucky enough find a website that had a few techniques used to develop a female sounding voice as well as voice samples from other transwomen who seemed to have mastered the skill in a short time.  I was still wavering back and forth on whether to transition or not, and I eventually gave up finding my female voice.

My gender issues seemed to have plateaued between 2005 and 2006.  I did not feel bad all of the time.  I thought I would just try being genderless since I wouldn’t have been that different if I was born a gender congruent female anyway.  I was rather happy that I found some way to cope with my issues.  I did not realize that the peace of mind that I obtained during this time period was only the calm before the storm.      

Reformation of The Social Security Administration

The Social Security system is one of the worst federal programs of all time.  The requirement for receiving benefits needs to be changed to include disabilities of varying degrees.  Having a disability is not an issue that only resides within two extreme ends of a spectrum.  Different people have different needs depending how their disability impacts their lives. 

The way Social Security is set up as of right now is a complete disgrace.  The only people receiving benefits are those who would be considered impaired beyond the point of functioning well in society.  I feel bad for the individuals that are mentally challenged to the point where they cannot understand what is going on around them on a day to day basis.  This is truly a sad sight to behold.  These people definitely deserve the maximum benefits available without question.  The only real issue lies with those who are considered to be high functioning individuals.  The argument from Social Security as it stands now is that those that are high functioning do not need benefits because they can work.  This kind of thinking does not take into account the way in which those with disabilities are high functioning.    

I am a clear example of someone who is a functioning individual that could definitely use some assistance from Social Security.  I am not able to drive because I have Cerebral Palsy.  Social Security would argue that I could use public transportation in order to get around, but the administration seems to forget that public transportation does not go everywhere.  I work for a utility company that has offices in places where public transportation does not travel.  Using Uber or Lyft every day would not be the best option from a financial standpoint.  In other words, either I waste all of my monetary resources on rides to work to prove that transportation drains my finances or I quit my job and earn less than what I am receiving now. 

If someone has had a disability since birth or has been impaired in some way due to an accident for a longer period than what would be considered “short term” then he or she should automatically qualify to receive benefits in some form from Social Security.  All that should be required is a letter from a doctor explaining the details of the impairment.  The amount of income that is earned through employment should not play too much of a role in whether or not an individual should receive benefits.  If a person is going to be disabled for the remainder of his or her life, then there should not be a question of whether or not he or she is eligible to receive Social Security.  One size does not fit all when it comes to having a disability.  Once corporate America wakes up from its slumber, then everyone in society can evolve to a higher state of being. 

Overview of My Experience Being Transgender

Being transgender can be quite a difficult thing to overcome.  Everything depends on the severity of dysphoria that is experience by an individual.  Things can get rather confusing when a person decides to make permanent changes to his or her life. 

Many people will hold onto doubts as they go through the process known as transition.  No one really knows how far he or she wants to go until well into transition itself.  I did not know I was transgender until about the age of sixteen or so.  I was happy wearing women’s clothes for a little while before my feelings really started to develop.  I remember staring at other girls in high school wondering why I wished I could be like them.  I was only into clothes, so why did I feel the need to be seen as a female in school.  I eventually started developing a female voice.  I decided to give up on this path in the mid-2000s because I was not sure I wanted to go through transition.  I then thought I could identify as genderless and be fine.  That did not last. 

I eventually began to feel worse and worse towards the beginning of the 2010s.  I decided to do something about my pain in May of 2011.  I started to develop a female sounding voice once more.  I stuck with it this time around.  I started hormones at the end of March in 2014.  I then started dressing as female, and got all of my documents changed during 2015.  I have not had any regrets regarding my decision to transition.  I have become a better person because I am living more authentically than I ever had before. 

I wish to share with the world my experiences being a transgender individual.  I hope to shed light on the details regarding transition.  I also want to give information on what it is like to live as a transgender individual after all the major changes have taken place. My journey has been full of surprises, and I would like to share the knowledge I have acquired throughout all my travels. 

A Surgical Procedure That I Will Never Forget

Having a disability can be a huge burden during one’s earlier years.  Not only do have to learn how to overcome every day challenges that most people face, but you have to go head to head with issues that hardly anyone else knows anything about.  For me, this extra issue came in the form of a procedure that went through to fix my right leg.

In the winter of 1999, my primary doctor discovered that the ball of my hip was coming out of its socket.  I was sent to a hospital that specialized in surgeries for those who are disabled.  I met with another doctor by the name of John Herzenberg.  He claimed that the hip ball on in the right leg would need to be put back in the socket correctly, or I would face complications later on in life.  After the operation was completed, an Ilizarov would be required to be attached to my leg for three months to ensure that the ball of the hip would remain in place while my leg  healed.  The operation was performed on the thirtieth of June.

After the operation was over, there was quite a long recovery process.  The Ilizarov had pins on the side of it that went directly into my bone.  This means that my leg had wounds that could not heal until the apparatus was taken off.  I had to clean my pinholes out twice a day.  Difficulties ranged from putting on pants to using the toilet correctly.  The mechanical device was quite the monster, but it made for a good arm rest. 

It took my leg five months to heal completely after the Ilizarov was removed.  The ball of my hip still remains in its proper place to this day.  I will never forget this event in my life regardless of how much time passes.  Something such as will test the strength of an individual, but he or she be better off for the experience. 

Housing Challenges

Mobility is always an issue when speaking about those who are disabled. This is especially true when trying to obtain your very first apartment.  Most apartment complexes are built on multiple floors.  There are usually steps leading up to the front door.   Once inside, there are stairs leading down to a basement of some sort while another set leads to the second floor.  Cerebral Palsy makes it difficult to traverse stairs when a walker is needed to maintain balance.  Carrying other objects up or down a set of stairs is also a challenge as well.  An activity such as laundry is a difficult task to complete outside of an apartment complex.  This would mean than an individual would have to carry laundry to a set of stairs and then have to maneuver a walker once he or she reaches the bottom.  Yes, there are walkers with baskets that are built into them, but those are usually quite small.  The walker would also be a hassle to get down steps. 

It is just rather sad that most apartment complexes do not have special entrances for those with disabilities.  It is almost the year 2017, and yet housing options remain stuck fifty years in the past.  Hopefully my inquiries will prompt change to apartment complexes in the future.  Only time will tell if changes are afoot, but people with disabilities are faced with the challenge of trying to do things in a way that will not serve them in the long run. 

A Lesson I Learned the Hard Way

I had one a very scary thing happen to me one Saturday night in late September. I was waiting for the Uber driver just outside J and P Pizza on Butler Rd. The guy pulled up and asked me if I was the passenger that he was supposed to pick up. I told him that I called for a vehicle about ten minutes beforehand.  He got out of the car in order to help me put the walker in trunk. While doing so, he touched my right arm ever so gently.  I got in the car and sit in the seat. The guy got into the driver's side, held out his hand and asked me my name. I said "my name is Lauren." I put my hand in his and he held my hand for about five seconds and did not move. The guy then asked me if I am below age of eighteen. I told him "no." He then tried to guess my age again. On his second guess, he placed my age at twenty four years old. I then made the decision to just tell him that my age at this point. The driver then started the car.

We began going down the road, and then the guy started the conversation up again. He said "I am fifty four and you are thirty." "You are beautiful, and I am old." Then he asked me if think that he is the best Uber driver that I have ever had.  I told him that everyone I have ever had the pleasure of riding with has been five stars. The guy got all excited and said "thank you." He then went on a rant about the treatment of riders towards drivers sometimes. About halfway from my house, he told me that I seem rather nice. This guy then asked if I was a student in school. I said that I graduated Mount Saint Mary's University. He then told me a little story about going out to dinner with a friend in Emmitsburg a few days prior. I told him that my father loved a restaurant called Mountain Gate. The driver then stated "loved, I am sorry to hear that your father passed away."

The conversation then switched to hobbies. I told him that I play music every now and then. The driver told me about his position as an acoustic guitarist in a band that covers classic rock from the seventies and eighties. I told him that one of my strings is broken, and that I have to replace it. The driver wanted to help me put a new string on the guitar. I told him not worry about it because my brother is coming down the next day and would help me with it. We finally reached my place a few minutes later. I got out of the car while the driver retrieves the walker from the trunk. He then asked if he can hold my hand again. I offered my hand to him once more. The driver then said that he had a feeling that I will be a good guitar player one day because I had nice hands. I then started heading inside the house and shut the door. I also locked the door, and I waited until the car left the court.

There are two possible reasons that this guy seemed extremely “friendly.”  The first reason is that he thought I was attractive in some way.  I have been told by others in the past that I have a very calm nature, and they feel better just be around me.   I do not think I am super pleasant in any way.  I am not horrible by any means, but I am not anything out of the ordinary as far looks or attitude goes.  I am not sure why this guy liked me so much. 

The only other reason that comes to mind is my disability.  Maybe this older guy thought about doing something evil to me, but decided against it because I held an intelligent conversation.  In other words, I did not show any signs that I was mentally challenged.  Hopefully this driver never comes across anyone who is mentally unsound because he might end up hurting him or her.

This whole incident made me more cautious about the company that I keep regardless if it is short or long term.  Some people in the world might take advantage of those who are disabled in some way.  If a person learns to trust in his or her own gut, then he or she can avoid situations such as the one I experienced.  I should have listened to my gut the moment he touched my hand while putting the walker in his car.  The driver seemed a bit too generous, I was lucky that nothing bad happened during the ride home.  Always make sure that you are comfortable being in the presence of a person before doing anything with him or her.  If you do not have a good feeling right off the bat, then this means that something is obviously wrong.  Stay safe and keep pushing forward.