Tips on Parenting a Child with Disabilities

When speaking of disabilities, the focus always in on the on the individuals who are suffering from them.  There is not a whole lot of guidance for parents living with other individuals with disabilities.  Sure, there are the medical journals that try to prepare the anticipating mother and father about what they can expect from their child, but the content within this medium only gives the basics.  One size does not fit all, when it comes to children who are disabled.  Here are some other tips to consider when going about day to day life.

 

·         Accept the fact that your child functions differently than those who do not have a disability.  The child will have to learn how to do things that might seem to go against the “norm” of how everyone else was taught.  Do not try too harshly to appear too “normal” in order to function in society.  Do not let everything slide, but do not become so strict to the point where things are more difficult than they really have to be. 

·         Avoid telling your child that his or her life is harder than everyone else’s.  The only reason why this is said is due to limited thought patterns.  If you find alternate solutions to problems, then your child’s life does not have to be harder.

·         Find a balance between letting your child do things him or herself and helping out when necessary. 

·         Avoid taking the seemingly easiest route in every case.  We all do not like hurdles in life, but sometimes these hurdles show us things that we never realized before.  Your child will have his or her own set of challenges that he or she must face.  An example of such a challenge would be a grown child living inside of a rancher home with a parent because most apartment complexes have steps,  While this sounds like the logical option at first glance, this will keep your child from growing as an individual.  Adapting to new situations will help your child realize how capable he or she is as a person, it will give him or a boost in confidence. 

·         Avoid doing something for your child because he or she is too slow to complete the task.  If the task needs to be handled in addition steps, then so be it.  Your child will get faster and learn new ways to do things as his or her skills grow. 

·         Do not tell your child that he or she cannot do something because of their disability.  This can create a lifelong belief that goals cannot be achieved because of something out of the individual’s control.  Since he or she believes that his or her desires cannot be fulfilled due to having a disability, then the individual will not even believe that smaller day to day things can be accomplished.

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It is always harder to do the right thing than it is to go with popular opinion.  Disabilities are still seen as something that impacts a person’s life in a negative way with absolutely no positive benefits whatsoever.  The fact of the matter is that people with disabilities have the potential to teach others what it is like to live authentically.  Do not let your child live a mundane existence where he or she feels that life limited in every way possible.  One of the best gifts in life is to share one’s wisdom with others.  Your child will acquire knowledge that a lot of other people will not know about, and this is what makes their potential to succeed in life so great.  

A Positive Approach to Fighting for Transgender Rights

The dust has settled in regards to Donald Trump’s ruling on the rights of transgender individuals.  I already spoke about how this outcome could potentially affect business owners as well as everyone else.  Now I want to speak about the steps transgender individuals can take in order fight back against an unjust president. 

The first step that should be undertaken is to get all of one’s legal matters straightened out as soon as possible.  It is understandable that some states still make it difficult for those who wish to change their names and gender markers on documents that show identification.  An individual should do what he or she can to get everything changed before the laws get any worse.  Pressure can be good thing sometimes because it forces people to be vigilant about what they truly care about.  My job is what prompted me to legalize the changes that I was making.  If the pressure from my employer had not pushed me to live more authentically, then I might have still been too afraid to have done anything at all. 

The next step that one can take that one can take to combat Trump’s reversal of rights is to join groups in different fields of knowledge.  Marches are not going to do too much except express outrage and anger.  Joining groups in the legal, medical, and technological fields would be a better use of people’s time and resources.  Getting everyone’s stories out there in order to educate other will be a more tactful way that the transgender population can get all of their rights returned to them. 

The most crucial step that needs to be taken to ensure that laws regarding rights will include everyone is to stop fighting one another.   Some transgender people within the community like to police others on how to transition in the “proper” fashion.  No one needs to be fighting one another about who is truly transgender.  Everyone is in this together.  Transgender is an umbrella term.  This term includes crossdressers, drag queens, genderqueer, agender, bigender, transsexuals, and androgynous people.  One size does not fit all in the case of transgenderism.  There is no such thing as being “truly trans.”  People are either transgender, or they are not.  It is as simple as that.  The degree might vary from one person to another, but there is no such thing as being a fake transgender individual. 

If the entire country can begin to follow these three steps, then there will be no foothold for Trump’s ruling to take root.  The ruling will only have power if we remain divided as a nation.  If everyone comes together, then nothing negative will be able to have an impact on anyone.  Every person can choose what his or her destiny will be.  The hard part is having enough courage to stand by one’s convictions.    

Trump's Reversal of Transgender Rights Affects Everyone

Donald Trump has been President for a little over a month, and he caused quite a stir with the transgender community.  Trump rolled back the rights protecting transgender people from being discriminated against in public.  This means that any establishment can refuse to serve someone just because he or she decided to take steps in order to feel more comfortable in his or her skin.  The real question is going to be whether or not a lot of public places actually adhere to Trumps ruling. 

Owners of businesses now have the right to kick out any transgender person that he or she wants to without any consequences whatsoever.  Businesses operate off of income that they receive from the many different customers who pay good money in order to be serviced in some way.  If owners start to target a particular demographic of people that frequents their businesses, then this decision is going to play a role in how much money is made throughout the year.  Transgender people still use money as a way to get things that they desire.  If an owner of an establishment has a high percentage of customers who are transgender, then he or she might want to think twice before acting upon Trump's ruling.  Businesses will also lose the profit that will come from allies of transgender individuals as well.  The financial losses any business incurs will be a defining factor in whether or not it will stay afloat.   

Another question that is raised due to the legal change that has taken place is how does an individual tell who is transgender and who is not.  What does transgender even look like?  People look like people.  Gender congruent individuals can be mistaken for the opposite sex as well, so one cannot judge another person off of his or her looks alone.  In other words, there is no way possible to tell who identifies as transgender without knowing an individual’s personal background, so any business that tries to discriminate against anyone is definitely going to get hurt later down the road when its profits take a dive. 

Only time will tell what will happen regarding Donald Trump’s new ruling.  I highly doubt that most places will even consider discriminating against anybody due to the reasons state above.  No one knows for certain how everything is going to turn out, but the transgender community is not going to go down without a fight. 

Getting Around Mobility Issues

An individual’s time in school can be quit rough depending on his or her circumstances.  The people in charge of the public school system as well as secondary education are not fit to run institutions in general.  This is especially true when mobility is involved in regards to people with disabilities. 

During my high school and college years, I had quite a difficult time with trying to get around.  I went to high school in Reisterstown Maryland.  The school was all one level, but it had a few sets of stairs that separated each wing of the school.  In order for me to get down a set of stairs, I had to use a lift that required a key every day that school was in session.  The principal of the school would not allow me to have my own key to the lift in order to operate traverse the school of my own free will.  One of technicians at the school had to ride down with me every day so that I could get to my fourth period class during my junior year.  This solution to my issue was a terrible one. 

I had a similar issue when I went to Mount Saint Mary’s University in Emmitsburg Maryland.  I had to visit the library in order to find information for papers that I had to write for all of my different classes.  The school was built in the 1800s, and so there was only so much the school could do to accommodate people with disabilities.  I had to call the librarian every time I wanted to visit the library.  He or she would then let me in through some sort of basement entrance.  The elevator that went up to the main floor could barely hold the wheelchair that I used to get around.  The people who ran the library would not let me have my own key.  I had to call the person on duty up quite often just so I could search for books. 

It is kind of sad that there were not any alternative options for people such as myself.  Everyone has the right to get a good education.  I guess I was lucky that the library also had an online database to look for information as well, but that is not a solution to the problem I faced.  I do not see why places cannot just have some electronic lock with a secret code by an entrance that is accessible to everyone.  There would be no more issues with mobility if this kind of measure was put into place.  Everyone could come and go wherever without having to call someone else to let him or her inside.  Maybe this idea will be implemented in every type of education facility one day.  We will just have wait and see. 

Dealing with Inflammation

Inflammation has been an issue that I have dealt with for the past twelve years.  This is due to the hypersensitivity of nerves located in a specific set of muscles on the body.  The burning sensation that inflammation brings can be quite hard at times.  It pulls individuals away from what they love and forces them to focus their attention on something that is rather undesirable.  I started having issues with inflammation when I developed a condition known as Pelvic Floor Disorder. 

I was first diagnosed with Pelvic Floor disorder in January of 2009.  The issues with my pelvis started four years earlier when I obtained a urinary tract infection.  It burned when I went to the bathroom.  I went to the hospital, and the doctors there gave me pills to clear everything up after they catheterized in order to extract the waste from my bladder.  I was fine for about a year and a half afterwards, and then I got infected in the same area once more.  Pills cleared the infection up, and I went on with my life.  During Christmas of 2008, I began having difficulty urinating.  There was a little bit of a burning sensation this time as well, but not as bad as when I had the other infections.  My urologist told me that I my problems with relieving waste might be more than just a simple infection.  The nerves in my pelvic floor that control the involuntary sphincters have become hypersensitive most likely due to age.  I saw another doctor for a second opinion, and he agreed that I had Pelvic Floor Disorder.  This guy told me that it was a progression of my Cerebral Palsy.  After the doctor gave me his two cents regarding my problem, I decided to stop seeing him altogether.  Cerebral Palsy does not get progressively worse through time.  It is a birth defect.  A person will remain affected by Cerebral Palsy to the same degree throughout his or her lifetime.  There are different degrees of this birth defect, but the degree does not change depending on time or age. 

My pelvic floor condition does not allow me to empty my waste properly.  Sometimes I will have to go to the bathroom twice in one hour just to relieve myself completely.  I also become constipated rather often.  I sometimes sit on the toilet for about an hour and a half trying to have a bowel movement.  My involuntary sphincters will flip out for what seems like no reason.  I have come to realize that the sphincters spaz out when my nerves become inflamed.  My fecal matter will remain at the bottom of the toilet instead of floating to the top like everyone else’s.  Cleaning out the toilet bowl becomes a nightmare because of this fact.  My condition can make it difficult to enjoy any activity in life.  I do not know when I will have the urge to go to the bathroom.  I also will have to sit in pain due to the inflammation that can arise even when I do not have to use the bathroom. 

The main thing I learned when dealing with the pelvic floor as well as inflammation in general is to keep the area clean.  One should go to the bathroom when the urge is first felt.  An individual would be wise to start eating smaller portions during every meal of the day.  This will ensure that the stomach and bowels do not become extremely irritated at a later time.  Pills have never really helped my nerves that much, so I would not suggest trying to relieve pain in this manner..  As long as one is active aware of his or her body, then inflammation of any type can be manageable without too much intervention. 

Gender Confusion: Retold

Being transgender is one of the hardest obstacles to overcome in today’s society.  The transformation that one goes through is no small feat by any means.  One puts everything at risk when he or she decides that transition is for him or her.  The individual’s inner world will have to be expressed.  This information will be judge by someone in the medical field.  The key to a successful transition is to take things one step at a time.

The feeling that I was transgender did not start until I was around fifteen years of age.  Before this, I identified as a gender congruent male.  For whatever reason, my brain decided it would be a cool idea to try on opaque hosiery sometime during puberty.  I never actually accomplished this goal until much later.  The idea remained a fantasy for quite some time.  I never actually told anyone in person about my desires until the summer of 2002.  While I was in the shower, this individual put a skirt and top on my bed as a joke.  The only thing that this person did not realize was that she was the one being fooled.  When I got out of the shower, I saw the clothes and tried them on to see if they would fit.  Once I told the individual that brought out the clothes for me to find, she let me keep them. 

Around the spring of 2003, my desires went beyond just wearing women’s clothes.  I actually wanted to be seen as a girl in everyday life.  I had no idea where this thought came from.  I did not know what to do with this new found idea.  I developed a sense of jealousy towards the girls in my school.  I wanted to be as they were, but I knew that I could not achieve this goal no matter how hard that I tried. 

During the winter of 2004, I decided that it was time to start developing my voice.  I did not practice very often.  I only practiced for about an hour every night.  I eventually gave up after three weeks of practice because I still was not one hundred percent sure that I was indeed a transsexual.

I then decided that even if I were a woman at birth, I probably would not have been that different anyway.  That is when I started identifying as genderless individual.  This only lasted for a little over a year.  It was probably just an effort to reduce to my dysphoria.  I did not realize that my gender issues would be back stronger than ever when they surfaced once again.    

During the spring of 2007, my dysphoria returned to the forefront of my mind.  I became upset about being a guy.  I then went searching for information on the Internet regarding transsexualism.  I eventually found the huge trans community that existed on Youtube.  I ended up receiving a private message from someone in regards to a comment I had left on a video.  She and I became great friends.  This individual also became my twenty four hour therapist. 

For the next four years, I kept going back and forth on whether I was truly trans or not.  This was a very dark period in my life.  I could not find any logical reason as to why I felt fine as a male for fifteen years of my life, and then suddenly feel negative about my gender for the second half of my life.  I got so depressed about not being able to figure this out that I once said that I wanted to suck all the sin out of the world and then die.  I never had a strong Christian upbringing, so it is interesting that I used the word “sin” instead of “evil.” 

During the spring of 2011 is when I finally decided that I was going to transition.  I figured out that I would never know one hundred percent if transition was right for me until I decided to go for it.  I did not have that much to lose in the first place.  I was not close to anyone in my family outside of the immediate members.  I did not have a whole lot of close friends left.  They had all moved to another state at this point in their lives.  I did not have a job at this point, so it would have been impossible to any type of employment.  The only thing holding me back was my own doubt. 

The first step I took in my transition was to develop a female voice.  I did not have any money to do anything else.  You do not need money in order to work on a voice.  Voice surgery is just expensive garbage that does not yield positive results the majority of the time.  Why pay for something that you can achieve yourself? 

The first thing I did in regards to developing a female voice was talk to my friend from Youtube.  I also downloaded a spectrogram as well as virtual voice tuner.  I learned that the female voice is between 200-230 hertz while voices are between 100-120 hertz.  Raising the pitch up to the female range was not super difficult.  Finding the correct resonance for the female voice is the challenging part.  Females have less of a bass in their voices, but the trick is not getting rid of the bass completely.  The female voice is just less of the male voice.  In order to achieve the female resonance, one needs to tighten up the base of her through and then relax enough in order to project her voice loud enough to be heard.  It is easier to show how this is done than the written word can do to explain the process.  There was a content creator on Youtube that showed the breathing exercises that she used.  I learned where the female resonance was located by breathing in through my mouth and nose at the same time.  By doing this, one will hear the breath inside her own head.  Everyone has heard her voice inside her own head before.  If one has ever been to the mountains or inside of a pool, then chances are that her ears have popped while she was in the middle of a conversation.  This can also occur after an individual yawns.  Immediately after she starts to speak, the voice will be in her head and then the ears pop.  Hearing the breath inside of one’s head is similar to those instances.  When words are spoken, the throat needs to remain someone tightened but loose enough to be projected.  When I first learned how to speak in a more feminine voice, I fell victim to the same issue that every other transsexual does when developing her voice.  I was too scared to relax my throat enough to allow my full voice to be heard.  This made things sound off.  I did not like the sound of my voice at all.  After I practiced for several months, I realized that I no longer needed to breathe through my nose in order to help tighten up throat.  I learned how to tighten my throat and just breathe in through my mouth.  Melodic intonation is the final step in achieving a female voice.  I used the Harvard Sentences in order to learn how to speak like the majority of women in today’s society.  I just downloaded a few sample files from the Internet.  The first sentence is the one I practiced the most.  This sentence read, “The birch canoe slid under the smooth planks.”  I must have recorded this sentence at least fifty times or more. 

During April of 2012, I scheduled a voice consultation with the legendary Andrea James.   I was shocked to learn that I was rather advanced in my voice progression.  I still did not like the sound of my voice, but I would have to learn to accept it as time pushed forward. 

In May of 2013, I finally obtained a job out in the work force.  I was a call center representative at my local electric utility company.  I had to go back to using my male voice for the majority of each day.  I still kept up with my voice practices at night.  Throughout the next year and a half, I noticed that my male voice had changed somehow.  While trying to speak with more melodic intonation to customers in my male voice, I realized that I was going up into the female register without even trying.  The customers never said a word about the change in pitch and resonance.  They were too busy complaining about how I sounded like a foreigner.  I was born and raised in the Baltimore area, so I have no idea why others thought I was Chinese or Jamaican.

During April of 2015, I decided to come out to my supervisor at work.  She found out from the human resources department that I would need to have my name legally changed in order to present as female.  I still had to use the men’s bathroom until my name was officially changed by a judge.  The people I would run into within the bathroom were starting to ask me if I belonged in there.  I told my supervisor as well as my human resources representative about the issue, but there was nothing anyone could do until my name change was finalized. 

The name change process is not that difficult in the state of Maryland.  Only three sheets of paperwork are required to change one’s name.  I had to fill out the petition for a name change in the most princess like handwriting possible.  I then had to fill out the paper to publish my name change in a local paper.  I then filled out part of the order for a name change that the judge would approve.  The total cost for everything came to about seventy two dollars.  The judge denied the order the first time due to my bad handwriting.  I went up to the courthouse the following week and got everything resolved.  I had someone assist me on how I could make my handwriting more legible. 

My name was legally changed as of July 31, 2015.  I was finally able to present as female at work two weeks later.  My human resources representative held mini meetings within the call center.  I did not particularly care for the presentation regarding the overview of transgenderism, but the meetings were not God awful by any stretch of the imagination.  I should have been the one to give my own presentation.  None of my co-workers showed any ill will towards me after I transitioned.  One girl hugged in the bathroom because she had an uncle that went through a gender transition as well 

Living as a transsexual has not been too horrible.  I still get misgendered from time to time, but that does not bother me as much anymore.  I know what I have been through to get where I am today, and that is all that matters.  I no longer need anyone else’s approval to be who I am.  My thoughts are what brought me to the choices that I have made over the course of my life.  Just because someone else has a different idea about how another individual should live does not make his or her perception more accurate by any means.  Everyone makes correct choices most of the time, but the consequences do not always look how he or she thinks it should.  The only poor choice that one can make is to think about negative situations that have not arisen or to choose to be so afraid of making the wrong choice that he or she does nothing at all.  I chose to do something about the discomfort that I had with my gender.  I ended up smelling like a rose in the end.  Anyone can come up on the positive side of a situation as long as he or she keeps pushing forward.  As long as a person remains active towards some end, then it will be impossible for the individual to lose.   

  

The Power in a Name

(Please read "Changes for the Better" before reading this post.)

During the summer of 2015, I decided that it was time to get my name changed.  I started to get some funny looks in the men’s bathroom, and people kept asking me if I belonged there.  I came out to my supervisor via text message because I was too much of a coward to tell her how I felt in person.  My supervisor called me into her office the next day and told me to tell her in person what I had told her over the phone.  I was extremely nervous when I told her that I was transgender.  She then sent an e-mail the human resources department asking if there was any policy regarding transgender individuals.  It turns out that I had to get my name legally changed in order for me present myself as my true gender at work.  This requirement seemed logical at first, but I began to lament due to all the bathroom issues I was having. 

The name change process in the state of Maryland was not too much of an obstacle to overcome.  I was not able file my paperwork with the court until the middle of June.  There were only three different forms to fill out in order to change my name.  I filled out the main petition for a name change.  An individual needs to explain why he or she would like to change his or her name.  The notice for a name change is used for advertising your new name in the press.  If anyone objected to my name change petition, then then he or she would have had fifteen days to file a claim explaining why my name should not be altered.  The order for a name change had to be signed by a judge.  The name change process no longer required an individual to go before a judge in person for the name change petition to be granted.  The processing fees ended up being seventy dollars for the completion of all the paperwork. 

I received a letter regarding the status of my name change in the mail a month after I filed the petition.  The petition ended up being denied due to bad hand writing.  I was extremely angry when this event transpired.  The press seemed to be able to read my hand writing, so why was the court being so rigid in regards to my petition.  I went back up to the court at the start of the next week to find out what had happened.  I told one of the civil clerks that my handwriting looks a little funky due to having Cerebral Palsy.  I was advised to go to the free legal center on the first floor, and that the people there might be able to assist me further. 

I went down to the free legal center and spoke to a woman regarding the problem I was having, and she helped me out with how to get passed this bureaucratic issue.  She was not allowed to write for me because that would have been against the rules.  The handwriting issue was finally resolved, and I submitted my amended petition to change my name.  I got a letter in the mail a week later stating that my name change had been granted.

The whole name change process was not anywhere near as bad as I thought it was going to be.  The hiccup regarding bad handwriting was just stupid, but there were no major issues in this whole process.  Everything was straightforward and simple.  All I had to do was fill out a couple of forms, and that was it.  I was very happy to be finished with this part of my transition.  I could now move on to my next big adventure. 

Changes for the Better

(Please read "The Beginning of My Physical Transformation" before reading this post.)

During February 2015, I thought it was time to start dressing as female as well as look into starting hair removal.  I had been on hormones for about eleven months or so, and now it was time to take the next major step in my transition.  I was extremely nervous about how I was going to look in women’s clothes, but I decided to step up to the plate anyway. 

I did not purchase anything that was noticeably feminine for quite a while.  I bought a few pairs of jeans as well as slack pants.  The blouses I bought were very plain, and did not have any designs on them whatsoever.  I actually wore these clothes to work, and so one said a word to me.  I never went bought anything at a physical store location.  Everything I purchased was online through Amazon, Target, or Walmart.  Walmart always had things cheap items for sale in its clearance section.  I picked up the slack pants for about eight dollars apiece.

My mustache and beard have always been made up of light and dark hairs.  The best way for me to approach hair removal was to start with laser and then transfer to electrolysis at a later time.  The closest place to me was only about five minutes away from where I lived.  The prices seemed to be a little more expensive than the other companies I had checked out, but I would have had to waste a lot more money in gas if I would have gone with any of them.  I paid almost three hundred dollars for the full face in each session.  I never actually saw any hair fall out after each session was finished.  I had always heard that some hairs would fall out a few days after a hair removal session.  That experience never happened to me.  I did laser for about five months before I switched to electrolysis.  I still had some sections on my face with dark hair, but it was nowhere near as bad as when I first started.  Laser was getting quite expensive, and I just could not afford it anymore.  Electrolysis was cheaper even if it covered a smaller area of my face. 

I finally had taken two huge steps regarding my transition, and I reached these plateaus unscathed.  The fear I had envisioned was something I made up in my head.  I created problems out of things that did not exist.  Once I finally decided to see the reality of the situation, I was no longer afraid to go for what I wanted.  I lived in fear of transition for almost a decade.  I finally set my emotions free from their invisible cages.    

The Beginning of My Physical Transformation

The year 2013 was not a very big year for anything transition related.  I was still unemployed for the first half of the year due to the poor job market.  I finally scored a position as a call center representative at my local utility company. 

Shortly after I became employed, I bought an epilator online in order to remove unwanted hair on my body.  This experience was not that great.  I did not realize the huge downside to removing hair using this device.  An epilator is just a bunch of tweezers on a motor that spins around in circles.  Bleeding happened quite often after an epilation session.  I actually let my beard grow so that the tweezers could grab onto the hairs on my face and pull them out.  This plan was not intelligent by any means.  It is one thing to pull hairs from one’s arms or legs, and it is another to pull hair off one one’s face.  The pain felt in both areas was night and day.  The rest of the year came and went in a flash.

In February 2014, I finally decided that it was time to start hormones.  I saw my primary doctor, and he told me that he did not know a whole lot about hormone replacement therapy.  I could either go down to a few doctors in Baltimore City, or I could go to a place in the county known as Chase Brexton.  I opted to go to Chases Brexton because it was not too far from where I worked.  I saw the doctor responsible for trans care, and she told me that I would have to make Chase Brexton my primary care provider so that I could be put on hormones when the time came.  I had to get some bloodwork done before a full dose of hormones could be prescribed.  My health insurance provider did not accept anything from the company Labcorp.  Chase Brexton did not have a relationship with Quest Diagnostics at the time, so I had to get all the medical codes for each test translated so that the company would perform the tests.  This bureaucratic issue with bloodwork made quite angry.  I went home crying the first time I was told that the nurses at quest could not perform the blood tests my primary doctor needed.  I thought I would never be able to start hormones, and that I would remain masculine forever. 

Starting the physical transformation process of transition will always be a trying time for anyone that desires to go through the process.  As long as the individual keeps pushing forward, then he or she will be successful.  The best things in life are the things that take of lot of effort.  All of the things obtained easily will not last very long by any means.  It is not always necessarily the end result that is the most important.  The road one travels is where all the character building takes place. 

Standing up for my Beliefs

(Please read the entry title "Does a Phoenix Have a Gender" before proceeding to this entry.)

I felt extremely nervous about my first session with a gender therapist.  What if she told me that she thought I was not “trans enough” to transition?  I do not know how I would have handled that kind of rejection, but kept the appointment anyway. 

I saw my gender therapist for the first time in June of 2011.  The first session was your typical session that happens at any first visit.  I was asked when my gender confusion began.  I told her that my issues began around the middle of my teenage years.  My feelings came out of the blue for no reason whatsoever.  I told my therapist that I had no clue how these feelings developed or why they came out in my teenage years.  The therapist responded by telling me that my story was not as uncommon as I thought it was.  I felt a lot better about myself after the first session was over.  My father told me that he wanted me to “stay as male.” 

I did not see my therapist too often during this time period due to a lack of money.  I probably only saw her about a total of seven times in four years.  I figured out the majority of my issues on my own anyway.  If I would have seen a therapist earlier in my life, then I might have needed more sessions, but that was not the case. 

One of my major concerns was trying to please my father and still do what I wanted at the same time.  I actually flipped out on my birthday in the year 2012.  My father kept asking me why I always sounded so angry with him.  I finally let him have it.  I told him the reason that I was angry was because he would not accept me as Lauren.  My father then told me that my gender issues were a farce.  He also accused me of always going against the norm.  My father told me that he did not have to accept my disability whatsoever.  He could have just walked out on me, and that was that.  I was also to blame for the reason that my nephew never came down to visit us.  That theory was obviously complete garbage.      

I was not going to hide my feelings about I was from my father any longer.  If he did not like the decision that I had made, then that was a problem that only he would have to do with.  I knew who I wanted to be, and no could stop me regardless of how hard he or she would be willing to try.    

Does a Phoenix Have a Gender?

(Please read "My Descent into Darkness" before continuing to read this post)

During the spring of 2011, I finally decided to start on the path to transition.  I had just graduated college a few months earlier, and I was in the process of trying to obtain some type of employment.  I got tired of being so down about not knowing what to do about my gender issues.  I decided to go ahead and shoot for the moon.  I was not one hundred percent certain of my transsexuality, but it was obvious that I was not comfortable living as a cisgender male

The first step in my transition was to develop a female voice.  I did not have the money to do much of anything else at the time.  I was also too scared to tell my father that I was a transsexual.  I remember when I came out to him as a crossdresser.  He was very angry that day.  How would I come out as trans to him? 

I started researching techniques online regarding developing a female voice in May of 2011.  I downloaded a spectrogram and a voice tuner to help me get the correct pitch of a female voice.  It turns out that a female voice is only about an octave higher than the voices of most men.  The average male voice vibrates between 108-121 hertz while the average female voice vibrates between 200-230 hertz the majority of the time.  There are also a few other factors that play into the female voice as well.  Resonance and melodic intonation also are very important aspects to developing a feminine sounding voice.  Resonance has to do with how much bass a certain vibration holds.  Most female voice tutorials always emphasize getting the bass out of one’s chest.  The only issue with this piece of knowledge is that all voices have some element of bass to them.  If this is true, then how it is possible for a person under the influence of male hormones supposed to develop a natural sounding female voice?   Melodic intonation is all about patterns of speech.  Women tend to speak more melodically than men a good majority of the time.  The only thing that one has to watch for is going up at the end of every sentence, and speaking with false emotion. 

Developing a female voice was one of the biggest hurdles I faced as a transgender individual.  This is probably the biggest mountain to climb for anyone in the trans community.  I cannot believe I chose this challenge to kick of my transition.  I always have taken the hard parts of life first.

I eventually told my father about my gender confusion in June of 2011.  He wondered why I was being so stupid.  He used my college career as evidence for why I was too smart to have gender issues.  I told him that I wanted to see a therapist, and he eventually agreed to my proposal.  I was surprised that I was brave enough to see a therapist regarding my gender issues.  I was scared that he or she would laugh me out of his or her office.  I searched for a gender therapist online in the Baltimore area, and I found someone within five minutes.  I sent her an e-mail, and she got back to me the next day. 

After ten long years of questioning myself, I finally decided to do something in regards to my gender issues.  The pain that I felt for quite a few years was starting to turn into happiness.  I was going to hit a lot of bumps down this road, but at least I was satisfied with the choice that made.            

My Descent into Darkness

(Please see previous post "The Beginning of my Gender Adventure" before reading)

During the spring of 2007, my gender issues hit me extremely hard.  I thought I had gotten through this stage of my life.  I decided to try seeking help from the Internet once again.  I found a huge transgender community through the Youtube website.  I met one of the most important people in my life through a comment I had left on a video.  She had just gotten passed the questioning phase herself.  We became friends rather quickly. 

My friend from youtube would respond to every message that I left her regarding trans issues.  I am honestly surprised that she did not turn her back on me after a while.  I was a complete wreck.  I kept going back and forth in regards whether I should transition or not.  I would try to find evidence that would prove that I was a man.  I then would retract those statements and find things proving that I was transgender.  I watched a lot of youtubers tell their story of how they figured out that they were trans.  I always felt that if my story was not similar to the accounts of others, then somehow that made me my feelings seem artificial.  I also found more videos on how to develop a female voice.  I was too confused about my gender to even bother trying to develop my voice again.  It was nice to know that there were more resources out at this time than when I first came across some techniques a few years earlier. 

I went back and forth about gender for quite some time.  I just did not understand how I could feel fine as a boy for fifteen years and then have issues pop up out of the blue for no apparent reason.  I had fears of changing my mind about transition once I went through the process.  What if people beat me up every day of my life?  What if people did not see me as my true gender?  These thoughts were the main reason it took me so long to reach the conclusion on what I should in regards to transition.  I wanted to get out of loop, but I just could not seem to find the exit no matter how many times I would run my thoughts through my head.    

During the year 2010, I finally realized how conflicted I was about my gender when I began to have suicidal thoughts.  I once said that I wanted to suck the sin out of everything so that the world would be a more peaceful place when I died.  I could not take it anymore.  I had reached rock bottom, and there was no way out.  I did not realize how close I was to the light at the end of the tunnel. More time had to pass before I would realize the error of my ways.   

The Beginning of my Gender Adventure

Being insecure in one’s gender is a tough thing to handle.  Because gender itself is a spectrum, it can be difficult for an individual to know how he or she wants to identify him or herself.  There is no gauge as to what a person should do based on perceived categories of identification.  The main concern should be how one feels about him or herself.    

My feelings about gender sprouted out of nowhere back in the winter of 2001.  I only had an interest in wearing women’s clothes back then.  For some unknown reason, I had a strong desire to wear pantyhose.  I first got my hands on some clothes in the summer of 2002.  My father’s girlfriend at the time gave me a black top and gray skirt to try on as a joke.  Once I told her that I actually put on the outfit, she let me keep the clothes.  I also scored some dresses a little bit later on that year as well.  I only identified as a crossdresser at this point in time, but that was going to change a few months down the road. 

I was in my senior year in high school during March of 2003.  My feelings about my gender started to get worse for a reason that I could not explain.  I started to desire to actually be a girl instead of just dressing like one.  I looked at other girls in my classes with envy.  I even volunteered to read the lines to Lady MacBeth in English class.  I acted the same as always, so no one ever knew how I was feeling on inside.  The same thing occurred every week.  I would go to school, and then come home only to sleep in a dress.    

After high school ended, I went on to community college.  The desire to be a girl was still inside of me, but I somehow figured out how to deal with it.  In February of 2004, I came to the realization that I was a transsexual.  I started to develop a female voice around this time.  There were not a lot of free resources on the Internet.  I was lucky enough find a website that had a few techniques used to develop a female sounding voice as well as voice samples from other transwomen who seemed to have mastered the skill in a short time.  I was still wavering back and forth on whether to transition or not, and I eventually gave up finding my female voice.

My gender issues seemed to have plateaued between 2005 and 2006.  I did not feel bad all of the time.  I thought I would just try being genderless since I wouldn’t have been that different if I was born a gender congruent female anyway.  I was rather happy that I found some way to cope with my issues.  I did not realize that the peace of mind that I obtained during this time period was only the calm before the storm.      

Is a Disability Really an Obstacle?

Living with a disability or perceived negative trait is a very difficult thing to wrap one’s head around.  At first glance, it may seem like all a person does is overcome obstacles left and right.  This is especially true if the disability is of the physical type.  In actuality, a disability is a gift that can be used as a tool.

Seeing a disability or perceived negative trait as nothing but an obstacle is just an illusion the mind creates due to pressures put in place by society to conform to the “norm.”  Basic hygiene functions can be a challenge when an individual is younger, but the majority of the hassle comes from others who do not understand that those with disabilities or traits that seem less desirable need to do things their own way in order to make an impact on the world.  Once the gifted person understands that he or she can take control of his or her own life, then the disability or perceived negative trait is no longer a hindrance of any kind.  In other words, once a person with a disability understands his or her design, then the challenges associated with the gift are minimalized. 

Cerebral Palsy is my gift to the world.  I have a particular form of Cerebral known as Spastic Diplegia.  This condition affects my legs more severely than my upper limbs.  It is difficult to get around when it is cold outside due to my muscles becoming stiff.  I am also not able to drive due to coordination issues with using both hands simultaneously in opposing directions.

It would in the best interest of the individual with a disability or perceived negative trait to use the unique gifts that come with it to propel him or herself forward.  Instead of seeing a particular attribute as a blockade to achieving a goal the "tried and true" way, a person should find out how to use it to create opportunities for him or herself and other people.  Once an individual learns how to see a disability or perceived negative trait as a gift, then they will be able to obtain the things in life that they desire.   

I have a strong grasp on how to use technology to my advantage.  I might not be able to physically write that legible, but my thoughts are what give my words strength.  I am able to type on a computer, so I can still manage to let others know what I have to say.  If I could turn writing into a career, then I would not have to worry about transportation from one place to another on a daily basis.  I would not have to worry about being the fastest person in the physical sense.  My mind is my greatest asset.  My mind will be what attracts the resources for the type of life that I wish to live.  Being the fastest person from a physical standpoint is going against my design.  I was not designed to be a pack horse.  I was designed to inspire others with my words and positive energy.  There are plenty of others in the world that might be designed to be fast from a physical perspective.  I am not one of those individuals, and that is alright.

Everyone should be able to live their lives using their strengths.  I have firsthand knowledge of what it is like to be gifted with Cerebral Palsy, and so I should be helping others minimalize their challenges so that they can live brighter futures.  

Through writing about my experiences with Cerebral Palsy, I am using my gift as a tool rather than seeing it as an obstacle.  My disability has become less of a mountain once I started using it for a purpose.  The gift of Cerebral Palsy is to be used as a tool for teaching.  It is not supposed to be seen as a wall that needs traversing.  Only a fool would throw away such a treasure.    

         

  

Difficulties with the School System

Going to school can be hard for anyone.  The classes can be quite boring.  The food in the cafeteria barely passes the standards imposed by the FDA.  Puberty has started, and you would rather focus on those changes rather than sit around finding the hypothetical value for X.  As a person who is gifted with Cerebral Palsy, I had some extra hoops to jump through in order to receive a proper education.

I cannot physically write as fast as those who are able-bodied, so taking notes down was rather difficult.  The schools were not very understanding of my needs whatsoever.  My mother tried to get each school to purchase a laptop for me to use, but the response as to why I could not have one was the same every time.  Each principle would say “A laptop is not in the school’s budget.”  The only option available to me was a one to one assistant. 

Most of the assistants that I had were not that terrible.  Looking back at everything now, they are the ones that got the short end of the stick.  These people only received about $7.50 an hour.  The amount of note keeping in middle school was ridiculous.  Teachers would actually grade your notebook for how organized it was.  My assistants always helped keep everything in order.    

The one to one assistant solution also carried over to high school as well.  I did not have the exact same person throughout my grade school career.  It was a different person every year.  I did not achieve complete scholastic independence until after I got my diploma and moved on to college.    

The only time I did not have an assistant was when I was in the sixth grade.  The middle school I went to put in me in the self-contained classroom with those who were mentally challenged.  The school was judging me based on the negative stereotype surrounding those with physically disabilities.  Not every person born with physical challenges has problems with his or her mind.  The principal only put me in a self-contained classroom in order to cover her own butt in case anything happened to me. 

Hopefully my time in grade school changed the lives of others.  Maybe I inspired some policy changes in the school system.  I doubt that this is the case.  The school system seems to be too big for any change to occur in a short amount time.  All anyone can do is try to make a difference, and then wait to see how things unfold.