The Beginning of my Gender Adventure

Being insecure in one’s gender is a tough thing to handle.  Because gender itself is a spectrum, it can be difficult for an individual to know how he or she wants to identify him or herself.  There is no gauge as to what a person should do based on perceived categories of identification.  The main concern should be how one feels about him or herself.    

My feelings about gender sprouted out of nowhere back in the winter of 2001.  I only had an interest in wearing women’s clothes back then.  For some unknown reason, I had a strong desire to wear pantyhose.  I first got my hands on some clothes in the summer of 2002.  My father’s girlfriend at the time gave me a black top and gray skirt to try on as a joke.  Once I told her that I actually put on the outfit, she let me keep the clothes.  I also scored some dresses a little bit later on that year as well.  I only identified as a crossdresser at this point in time, but that was going to change a few months down the road. 

I was in my senior year in high school during March of 2003.  My feelings about my gender started to get worse for a reason that I could not explain.  I started to desire to actually be a girl instead of just dressing like one.  I looked at other girls in my classes with envy.  I even volunteered to read the lines to Lady MacBeth in English class.  I acted the same as always, so no one ever knew how I was feeling on inside.  The same thing occurred every week.  I would go to school, and then come home only to sleep in a dress.    

After high school ended, I went on to community college.  The desire to be a girl was still inside of me, but I somehow figured out how to deal with it.  In February of 2004, I came to the realization that I was a transsexual.  I started to develop a female voice around this time.  There were not a lot of free resources on the Internet.  I was lucky enough find a website that had a few techniques used to develop a female sounding voice as well as voice samples from other transwomen who seemed to have mastered the skill in a short time.  I was still wavering back and forth on whether to transition or not, and I eventually gave up finding my female voice.

My gender issues seemed to have plateaued between 2005 and 2006.  I did not feel bad all of the time.  I thought I would just try being genderless since I wouldn’t have been that different if I was born a gender congruent female anyway.  I was rather happy that I found some way to cope with my issues.  I did not realize that the peace of mind that I obtained during this time period was only the calm before the storm.