During the spring of 2007, my gender issues hit me extremely hard. I thought I had gotten through this stage of my life. I decided to try seeking help from the Internet once again. I found a huge transgender community through the Youtube website. I met one of the most important people in my life through a comment I had left on a video. She had just gotten passed the questioning phase herself. We became friends rather quickly.
My friend from youtube would respond to every message that I left her regarding trans issues. I am honestly surprised that she did not turn her back on me after a while. I was a complete wreck. I kept going back and forth in regards whether I should transition or not. I would try to find evidence that would prove that I was a man. I then would retract those statements and find things proving that I was transgender. I watched a lot of youtubers tell their story of how they figured out that they were trans. I always felt that if my story was not similar to the accounts of others, then somehow that made me my feelings seem artificial. I also found more videos on how to develop a female voice. I was too confused about my gender to even bother trying to develop my voice again. It was nice to know that there were more resources out at this time than when I first came across some techniques a few years earlier.
I went back and forth about gender for quite some time. I just did not understand how I could feel fine as a boy for fifteen years and then have issues pop up out of the blue for no apparent reason. I had fears of changing my mind about transition once I went through the process. What if people beat me up every day of my life? What if people did not see me as my true gender? These thoughts were the main reason it took me so long to reach the conclusion on what I should in regards to transition. I wanted to get out of loop, but I just could not seem to find the exit no matter how many times I would run my thoughts through my head.
During the year 2010, I finally realized how conflicted I was about my gender when I began to have suicidal thoughts. I once said that I wanted to suck the sin out of everything so that the world would be a more peaceful place when I died. I could not take it anymore. I had reached rock bottom, and there was no way out. I did not realize how close I was to the light at the end of the tunnel. More time had to pass before I would realize the error of my ways.
No comments:
Post a Comment