Fragile Ego

The ego can be a very illusive part of an individual.  People have a tendency to speak of another person’s ego in the arrogant sense of the word.  The particular individual thinks too highly of him or herself.  The ego can also lean towards the other extreme known as self-loathing.  This is when the particular individual thinks poorly of him or herself.  There is not a whole lot of discussion about people who take on the ego of others.

I was born with a condition known as Cerebral Palsy.  Because of this birth defect, my mother did not think I could do anything by myself.  I did not learn how to wipe my butt while going number two until the age of ten.  I basically saw myself the way my mother saw me.  I thought I could not do much of anything without any type of assistance.  My mother was always too afraid to let me do anything by myself, and I ended up absorbing this perception as my ego.  I did not start trying new things on my own until she passed away. 

My father valued both money and career.  He did not put much value in anything else besides those two things.  I ended up getting a job at my local utility company as a call center representative.  This company held the same values as my father.  I had to answer calls as fast as possible so that the statistics for the day would remain positive.  I ate unhealthy foods and stressed myself out when I failed to meet monthly quotas.  Once I started to have thoughts about doing others things besides working in a call center, I thought I was going insane, and I eventually sought out therapy.  The reason I had difficulty accepting my own thoughts was because I absorbed the perception of my father as well as the utility company. 

I am now starting to develop an authentic sense of self for the first time in my life.  I am quite a peaceful individual.  I do not worry about things nearly as much now that I have stopped trying to live up to other people’s expectations.  My main goal right now is to continue developing my own sense of self.  I am tired of absorbing the perceptions of others.  I want to have my own perception of who I am as a person .  I already know how everyone else sees me as well as the world.  Now it is time for me to ask how I see myself as well and the world. 

I guess the ego really is the most fragile aspect of a human being.  If the ego can change itself without much effort in order to fit in better with everyone else, then clearly the ego is supposed to be used to as a tool to fulfill of something higher than itself.  My ultimate task in this incarnation is to live a more soul centered existence.  As long as I follow my path, then I will not have a reason to absorb energies from anything else.      

Developing Intuition

Intuition can be a rather difficult subject to approach.  The word means different things depending upon the context in which the word is used.  During the Modern period, the philosopher Kant used the word to mean perception of the physical world.  During the present time, intuition means how natural something feels.  If the control layout in a particular video game is not similar to all the other titles in a given genre, then people complain that the controls are not intuitive.  Intuition can also indicate that person picks up on subtleties in his or her environment.  The word is sometimes used when the topic of mysticism is brought up.  Someone can have a knowing that goes beyond the physical senses.  Based on a recent experience I have come to the conclusion that Intuition can also include blind knowledge that an individual has no clue about whatsoever.   

I went to a local pizza place called J and P Pizza.  I sat down at a booth across from where I normally sit.  There was a group of about seven people or so.  After consuming my usual order of one medium cheese pizza and a cherry coke, I accidentally hit the alarm button on my phone.  This option gave me the time of a few different countries.  I decided it would be fun to find the time difference between the United States and Australia.  There was a fifteen and a half hour time difference between the two places.  Thirty seconds after I found the time difference, I hear one of the men in the group say something about Australia.  I am not sure what the details were, but that seemed rather odd.  My thoughts then drifted to what I needed to get done before the day was over.  I also thought about why I seemed to know the time even without looking at a clock too often.  A minute after I began thinking about these ideas, I hear one of the women in the group talk about her daily morning and evening routines. 

About ten minutes later, a couple sits down in a booth that is close to mine.  My mind starts to drift to the financial situation that is happening in my life at the present moment.  The couple then starts talking about betting money on football teams.  Thoughts about health insurance pop into my head.  I was wondering if changing carriers would be an option so early in the year.  The couple in the booth then starts talking about doctor appointments and coughing quite a lot.  The woman also spoke about going to a funeral recently.  These people kept going on and on about sickness.  I began to feel depressed about my life.  I do not why my thoughts turned negative.  I can only assume that I picked up some of the negative energy from the couple in the booth.

One might argue that all of these events are just my subconscious honing in on things that are of value to me.  This is not the case at all.  Australia has no meaning in my life at all.  I am sure that it is a fine continent, but I do not have any relationship with it.  I do not worry about doctor appointments or getting sick too often.  I do not worry about financial matters every day of my life.  There would be no reason for my subconscious to pick any of these things out through the conversations of other people. 

The only other explanation is that I have an underdeveloped sixth sense.  Everyone has the capability of enhancing themselves in this manner.  What form the sixth sense takes all depends on what the individual values the most.  The mind is most valuable thing that I have.  Since I hold this belief, it is no wonder that my sixth sense came out as mental energy.  If I could figure out a way to develop my sixth sense further, maybe I could this ability to help others.  I do not know the exact form my sixth sense would take. 

One thing that I can state for certain is that I have never experienced anything like this before in all of my life.  I know myself pretty well. I have never been one to stretch the truth by any means.  I was never a person with a heavy interest in the occult until about ten months ago.  I would know whether or not my experiences were just a product of my imagination.  My intuition is real, and I will learn to trust what it tells me one day.  Once I am able to master this skill, then I will able to assist others that have fallen on hard times.           

A Letter to my Father

(My father and I had a difficult relationship.  This letter might seem a bit harsh, but I had to let go of some difficult emotions.  I appreciate everyone that has supported me in my journey to become a light worker.  Have an awesome year)

Dear Father:

I hope your soul is doing well after the painful death that you endured.  I wish the best of luck in your next incarnation.  I would try to work on developing values outside materialism and career.  Everyone lives a physical existence on this planet, and we all need physical things in order to sustain ourselves.  You took that idea a bit too far during your last life here on earth.  Your identity was tied to working and making money.  You never really took time to take care of your health.  You also never took too much of an interest in what other people were doing around you.  When no one else would take interest in the things you were doing, then you got an attitude with him or her. 

Things were quite turbulent after you passed away in July.  I am going to lose the house.  I do not know where I will be living as of yet, but I am sure that I will manage something.  I put a few of the bills in my name.  I have been paying BGE, Verizon Wireless, and Verizon Fios for about five months now.  My credit information is still rather lackluster.  This is one of the main reasons that I cannot rent an apartment or room somewhere.  I should not feel too bad though because I do not have any outstanding debts in my name.  One Main Financial and your Elan credit card are paid off in full.  I do not understand why you ran up a three thousand dollar bill on the card.  Why did you have such a huge ego?  You should have asked for help with all of your issues.  The only reason why you probably tried to control everything at home all the time was because you felt like you had no power when it came to your career.

I have moved on with my life.  I have realized that I have the potential to become an occultist, a writer, and a healer.  You probably disapprove of the choices that I have made with my life.  The only thing that you fail to realize is that some people value things other than money.  I let your influence take over my own personality.  The same can be said for BGE as well.  Both of you are similar to one another.  You both valued financial gain above all else.  You both had terrible taste in nutrition.  I still do not know how I ate pizza from Pizza Hut.  I guess I should not be too hard on myself because I did not know any better at the time.  My life feels awesome without either of you in it whatsoever. 

This letter is not about trashing the way you lived.  When you actually responded to things like an ordinary person, then things did not seem half bad.  You were always an awesome person when we went out to eat to places such as The Reisterstown Family Diner, J and P Pizza, and Ledo Pizza.  We had a lot of laughs when we went out.  It is too bad that the joy had to stop once we came home.

My only other point of contention is that you always defended your negative attributes by using me as an excuse.  You always said that I should be thankful that you are around due to my inability to drive.  You cannot use being a “chauffeur” as a reason that I should have overlooked your shortcomings.  I was thankful that you took the time to help me to get the work as well as take me to doctor appointments.  You still had faults of your own that you could have worked on to better yourself.  I was never mad because you were not a perfect person.  I was angry because you never tried to improve yourself one bit. Some of your flaws were so big that they could not be ignored.  I can only guess that you suffered from some kind of mental illness. 

I wrote this letter in order to let go of all the anger that I have had for you over the years.  You are now one with the universe once again.  I am sorry that we did not have a better relationship while you were still around.  I forgive you for all the pain you have caused.  It probably was not all you fault.  Please consider this letter as a symbol of peace

Love

Laruen 

I am a Healer

The art of holistic healing can be rather confusing to a newcomer.  We have all been taught how the physical body functions during grade school education, and this makes healing sound a bit mystical.  The thing to remember about holistic healing is that it only uses things that are natural to the environment. 

I have recently have had some pain on the right side of my jaw as well my right thigh.  The pain was so bad that I almost fell over a few times.  When I was getting ready to take a shower about seven days, I felt some type of aura energy in the spot where my right leg had the most pain. This had a different feeling to it than the sensation that I feel in my hands.  It was a lot stronger, and made the pain go away.  The pain did not disappear completely, but it certainly felt a lot better when this aura sensation was present.  I had a tooth pulled back in July of last year that was close to my trigeminal nerve.  Due to bacteria always being present in the mouth at all times, this makes the extraction spot and the areas surrounding it hurt quite a bit.  The bacteria probably go straight into the gums instead of eating away at the tooth, and this irritates my jaw.  The aura energy took a good bit of the pain away, and it allowed to me to think about others things that I wanted to get done. 

I also noticed a paper cut in when I was in the shower last week.  There huge red circle in the upper right portion of my left palm.  I did not actually know about the paper cut until after I finished taking a shower.  I then decided to take a nap for three hours.  After I woke up, I looked at my hand, and I realized that the paper cut was completely gone.  There was no evidence that the paper cut had ever existed.  I have gotten small paper cuts before, and none of them have gone away completely in three hours.  One would think that the skin in the area would be flaky indicating that the body was regenerating itself, but there was no sign that any incident ever occurred.

From what I have experienced, holistic healing does exist.  My body has never experienced a powerful aura sensation in the upper right side of my jaw or right thigh before.  I have never experienced any type of aura sensation on any part of my body that needed to be healed.  I have never healed from paper cuts within hours after realizing that one has appeared.  Something outside of the physical realm had intervened to some degree.  It could be the case that all of these events occurred because my energy was called on to assist with the health issues that I was having.  The only thing left for me to do now is to try to develop this ability further.  Maybe I could actually heal others someday.  Only time will tell if this ability will grow into something more.    

  

Transitioning at Work

Transitioning at work can be one of the scariest things that an individual can face.  One faces the possibility of being ridiculed to no end.  The loss of employment is also an issue that one might have to deal with if he or she comes out as transgender.  I was lucky enough to actually have an employer that was somewhat sensitive to needs of transgender employees. 

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I came out to my supervisor via text message because I was too afraid to tell her the details in person.  This was a very cowardly decision on my behalf.  I was told by the human resources department that I would have to get my name legally changed in order to present as my true gender at work.  I then jumped through all the hoops necessary to change all of my identification documents.  After this was completed, the human resources department said that they would hold miniature meetings to let everyone in the call center know about the change that I was going through.  I was present for every one of these meetings.  I found it a bit annoying how the representative from the human resources department kept trying to explain how transgender individuals feel through the use of a Power Point presentation.  Feelings cannot be summed up by statistics from the Internet.  I should have been the one to explain the issues transgender people face regarding coming out to others.  These meetings only lasted about an hour.  Everyone then went back to work as if nothing had ever happened. 

I was now entitled to use the women’s bathroom on a regular basis.  No one ever complained about me using the bathroom whatsoever.  One person actually gave me a hug and was inspired by my courage to transition.  She told me that she had a sibling that went through the same thing.  I was quite shocked to see that most people were supportive of what I had done.  Life seemed to get a lot easier from this point forward. 

No one ever knows how a situation will turn out until it arises.  Most of the fears that people experience are just images that are built up in their minds.  Reality is never as scary as the perceived horror.  It has been said that people need to face the consequences of their actions, but what I have learned is that consequences are already put in place once an individual gives energy to an idea.  People do not pay the price for their actions.  They pay the price for their thoughts.    

Legally Female

(Please read "The Power in a Name" before reading this post.)

After getting my name changed in July of 2015, I thought it was time to get my other legal documents changed as well so that there would not be any confusion down the road.  Changing one’s name was a pretty simple process.  I hoped that altering documents such as my social security card and my birth certificate would not be too difficult. 

I got my social security card changed in the middle of August 2015.  Social Security only required the paper showing my legal name change and some basic information from my doctor in order to issue a new card.  The card came in the mail less than a week later.  I expected a longer wait time due to the fact that any federal organization takes forever to notify anyone about anything. 

The next big hurdle I faced regarding legal documentation happened in October 2015.  I went down to the Department of Vital Records to get the information on my birth certificate changed.  The department branch in Baltimore County is located inside of a shopping mall of all places.  My case was pretty cut and dry.  I forgot to get a letter from primary doctor stating that I had been on hormones for a year and a half.  I almost left the department without getting my gender marker changed.  I was lucky that I the representative who took my case went out on a limb and decided to call my doctor to confirm that I had been on hormone therapy for a year and a half.  I ended up paying fifty dollars for two copies of my birth certificate.

I was quite shocked at how easy it was to change all of my legal documents.  I have heard about horror stories in other states, but nothing seemed to be too terrible in the state of Maryland.  All I needed was paperwork showing that my name had been changed by the court, and that was it.  There were a lot of minor bureaucratic errors trying to reach the person in charge of changing the information on my documents, but those are going to exist no matter what the issue at hand may be.  All anyone can do is keep pushing forward regardless of what kind of obstacles get in the way.  Once one accepts the challenges that come with going through a gender transition, then everything else will eventually fall into place.  Winning is guaranteed as long as an individual’s outlook remains positive.