The Power in a Name

(Please read "Changes for the Better" before reading this post.)

During the summer of 2015, I decided that it was time to get my name changed.  I started to get some funny looks in the men’s bathroom, and people kept asking me if I belonged there.  I came out to my supervisor via text message because I was too much of a coward to tell her how I felt in person.  My supervisor called me into her office the next day and told me to tell her in person what I had told her over the phone.  I was extremely nervous when I told her that I was transgender.  She then sent an e-mail the human resources department asking if there was any policy regarding transgender individuals.  It turns out that I had to get my name legally changed in order for me present myself as my true gender at work.  This requirement seemed logical at first, but I began to lament due to all the bathroom issues I was having. 

The name change process in the state of Maryland was not too much of an obstacle to overcome.  I was not able file my paperwork with the court until the middle of June.  There were only three different forms to fill out in order to change my name.  I filled out the main petition for a name change.  An individual needs to explain why he or she would like to change his or her name.  The notice for a name change is used for advertising your new name in the press.  If anyone objected to my name change petition, then then he or she would have had fifteen days to file a claim explaining why my name should not be altered.  The order for a name change had to be signed by a judge.  The name change process no longer required an individual to go before a judge in person for the name change petition to be granted.  The processing fees ended up being seventy dollars for the completion of all the paperwork. 

I received a letter regarding the status of my name change in the mail a month after I filed the petition.  The petition ended up being denied due to bad hand writing.  I was extremely angry when this event transpired.  The press seemed to be able to read my hand writing, so why was the court being so rigid in regards to my petition.  I went back up to the court at the start of the next week to find out what had happened.  I told one of the civil clerks that my handwriting looks a little funky due to having Cerebral Palsy.  I was advised to go to the free legal center on the first floor, and that the people there might be able to assist me further. 

I went down to the free legal center and spoke to a woman regarding the problem I was having, and she helped me out with how to get passed this bureaucratic issue.  She was not allowed to write for me because that would have been against the rules.  The handwriting issue was finally resolved, and I submitted my amended petition to change my name.  I got a letter in the mail a week later stating that my name change had been granted.

The whole name change process was not anywhere near as bad as I thought it was going to be.  The hiccup regarding bad handwriting was just stupid, but there were no major issues in this whole process.  Everything was straightforward and simple.  All I had to do was fill out a couple of forms, and that was it.  I was very happy to be finished with this part of my transition.  I could now move on to my next big adventure. 

Changes for the Better

(Please read "The Beginning of My Physical Transformation" before reading this post.)

During February 2015, I thought it was time to start dressing as female as well as look into starting hair removal.  I had been on hormones for about eleven months or so, and now it was time to take the next major step in my transition.  I was extremely nervous about how I was going to look in women’s clothes, but I decided to step up to the plate anyway. 

I did not purchase anything that was noticeably feminine for quite a while.  I bought a few pairs of jeans as well as slack pants.  The blouses I bought were very plain, and did not have any designs on them whatsoever.  I actually wore these clothes to work, and so one said a word to me.  I never went bought anything at a physical store location.  Everything I purchased was online through Amazon, Target, or Walmart.  Walmart always had things cheap items for sale in its clearance section.  I picked up the slack pants for about eight dollars apiece.

My mustache and beard have always been made up of light and dark hairs.  The best way for me to approach hair removal was to start with laser and then transfer to electrolysis at a later time.  The closest place to me was only about five minutes away from where I lived.  The prices seemed to be a little more expensive than the other companies I had checked out, but I would have had to waste a lot more money in gas if I would have gone with any of them.  I paid almost three hundred dollars for the full face in each session.  I never actually saw any hair fall out after each session was finished.  I had always heard that some hairs would fall out a few days after a hair removal session.  That experience never happened to me.  I did laser for about five months before I switched to electrolysis.  I still had some sections on my face with dark hair, but it was nowhere near as bad as when I first started.  Laser was getting quite expensive, and I just could not afford it anymore.  Electrolysis was cheaper even if it covered a smaller area of my face. 

I finally had taken two huge steps regarding my transition, and I reached these plateaus unscathed.  The fear I had envisioned was something I made up in my head.  I created problems out of things that did not exist.  Once I finally decided to see the reality of the situation, I was no longer afraid to go for what I wanted.  I lived in fear of transition for almost a decade.  I finally set my emotions free from their invisible cages.    

The Beginning of My Physical Transformation

The year 2013 was not a very big year for anything transition related.  I was still unemployed for the first half of the year due to the poor job market.  I finally scored a position as a call center representative at my local utility company. 

Shortly after I became employed, I bought an epilator online in order to remove unwanted hair on my body.  This experience was not that great.  I did not realize the huge downside to removing hair using this device.  An epilator is just a bunch of tweezers on a motor that spins around in circles.  Bleeding happened quite often after an epilation session.  I actually let my beard grow so that the tweezers could grab onto the hairs on my face and pull them out.  This plan was not intelligent by any means.  It is one thing to pull hairs from one’s arms or legs, and it is another to pull hair off one one’s face.  The pain felt in both areas was night and day.  The rest of the year came and went in a flash.

In February 2014, I finally decided that it was time to start hormones.  I saw my primary doctor, and he told me that he did not know a whole lot about hormone replacement therapy.  I could either go down to a few doctors in Baltimore City, or I could go to a place in the county known as Chase Brexton.  I opted to go to Chases Brexton because it was not too far from where I worked.  I saw the doctor responsible for trans care, and she told me that I would have to make Chase Brexton my primary care provider so that I could be put on hormones when the time came.  I had to get some bloodwork done before a full dose of hormones could be prescribed.  My health insurance provider did not accept anything from the company Labcorp.  Chase Brexton did not have a relationship with Quest Diagnostics at the time, so I had to get all the medical codes for each test translated so that the company would perform the tests.  This bureaucratic issue with bloodwork made quite angry.  I went home crying the first time I was told that the nurses at quest could not perform the blood tests my primary doctor needed.  I thought I would never be able to start hormones, and that I would remain masculine forever. 

Starting the physical transformation process of transition will always be a trying time for anyone that desires to go through the process.  As long as the individual keeps pushing forward, then he or she will be successful.  The best things in life are the things that take of lot of effort.  All of the things obtained easily will not last very long by any means.  It is not always necessarily the end result that is the most important.  The road one travels is where all the character building takes place. 

Standing up for my Beliefs

(Please read the entry title "Does a Phoenix Have a Gender" before proceeding to this entry.)

I felt extremely nervous about my first session with a gender therapist.  What if she told me that she thought I was not “trans enough” to transition?  I do not know how I would have handled that kind of rejection, but kept the appointment anyway. 

I saw my gender therapist for the first time in June of 2011.  The first session was your typical session that happens at any first visit.  I was asked when my gender confusion began.  I told her that my issues began around the middle of my teenage years.  My feelings came out of the blue for no reason whatsoever.  I told my therapist that I had no clue how these feelings developed or why they came out in my teenage years.  The therapist responded by telling me that my story was not as uncommon as I thought it was.  I felt a lot better about myself after the first session was over.  My father told me that he wanted me to “stay as male.” 

I did not see my therapist too often during this time period due to a lack of money.  I probably only saw her about a total of seven times in four years.  I figured out the majority of my issues on my own anyway.  If I would have seen a therapist earlier in my life, then I might have needed more sessions, but that was not the case. 

One of my major concerns was trying to please my father and still do what I wanted at the same time.  I actually flipped out on my birthday in the year 2012.  My father kept asking me why I always sounded so angry with him.  I finally let him have it.  I told him the reason that I was angry was because he would not accept me as Lauren.  My father then told me that my gender issues were a farce.  He also accused me of always going against the norm.  My father told me that he did not have to accept my disability whatsoever.  He could have just walked out on me, and that was that.  I was also to blame for the reason that my nephew never came down to visit us.  That theory was obviously complete garbage.      

I was not going to hide my feelings about I was from my father any longer.  If he did not like the decision that I had made, then that was a problem that only he would have to do with.  I knew who I wanted to be, and no could stop me regardless of how hard he or she would be willing to try.    

Does a Phoenix Have a Gender?

(Please read "My Descent into Darkness" before continuing to read this post)

During the spring of 2011, I finally decided to start on the path to transition.  I had just graduated college a few months earlier, and I was in the process of trying to obtain some type of employment.  I got tired of being so down about not knowing what to do about my gender issues.  I decided to go ahead and shoot for the moon.  I was not one hundred percent certain of my transsexuality, but it was obvious that I was not comfortable living as a cisgender male

The first step in my transition was to develop a female voice.  I did not have the money to do much of anything else at the time.  I was also too scared to tell my father that I was a transsexual.  I remember when I came out to him as a crossdresser.  He was very angry that day.  How would I come out as trans to him? 

I started researching techniques online regarding developing a female voice in May of 2011.  I downloaded a spectrogram and a voice tuner to help me get the correct pitch of a female voice.  It turns out that a female voice is only about an octave higher than the voices of most men.  The average male voice vibrates between 108-121 hertz while the average female voice vibrates between 200-230 hertz the majority of the time.  There are also a few other factors that play into the female voice as well.  Resonance and melodic intonation also are very important aspects to developing a feminine sounding voice.  Resonance has to do with how much bass a certain vibration holds.  Most female voice tutorials always emphasize getting the bass out of one’s chest.  The only issue with this piece of knowledge is that all voices have some element of bass to them.  If this is true, then how it is possible for a person under the influence of male hormones supposed to develop a natural sounding female voice?   Melodic intonation is all about patterns of speech.  Women tend to speak more melodically than men a good majority of the time.  The only thing that one has to watch for is going up at the end of every sentence, and speaking with false emotion. 

Developing a female voice was one of the biggest hurdles I faced as a transgender individual.  This is probably the biggest mountain to climb for anyone in the trans community.  I cannot believe I chose this challenge to kick of my transition.  I always have taken the hard parts of life first.

I eventually told my father about my gender confusion in June of 2011.  He wondered why I was being so stupid.  He used my college career as evidence for why I was too smart to have gender issues.  I told him that I wanted to see a therapist, and he eventually agreed to my proposal.  I was surprised that I was brave enough to see a therapist regarding my gender issues.  I was scared that he or she would laugh me out of his or her office.  I searched for a gender therapist online in the Baltimore area, and I found someone within five minutes.  I sent her an e-mail, and she got back to me the next day. 

After ten long years of questioning myself, I finally decided to do something in regards to my gender issues.  The pain that I felt for quite a few years was starting to turn into happiness.  I was going to hit a lot of bumps down this road, but at least I was satisfied with the choice that made.            

My Descent into Darkness

(Please see previous post "The Beginning of my Gender Adventure" before reading)

During the spring of 2007, my gender issues hit me extremely hard.  I thought I had gotten through this stage of my life.  I decided to try seeking help from the Internet once again.  I found a huge transgender community through the Youtube website.  I met one of the most important people in my life through a comment I had left on a video.  She had just gotten passed the questioning phase herself.  We became friends rather quickly. 

My friend from youtube would respond to every message that I left her regarding trans issues.  I am honestly surprised that she did not turn her back on me after a while.  I was a complete wreck.  I kept going back and forth in regards whether I should transition or not.  I would try to find evidence that would prove that I was a man.  I then would retract those statements and find things proving that I was transgender.  I watched a lot of youtubers tell their story of how they figured out that they were trans.  I always felt that if my story was not similar to the accounts of others, then somehow that made me my feelings seem artificial.  I also found more videos on how to develop a female voice.  I was too confused about my gender to even bother trying to develop my voice again.  It was nice to know that there were more resources out at this time than when I first came across some techniques a few years earlier. 

I went back and forth about gender for quite some time.  I just did not understand how I could feel fine as a boy for fifteen years and then have issues pop up out of the blue for no apparent reason.  I had fears of changing my mind about transition once I went through the process.  What if people beat me up every day of my life?  What if people did not see me as my true gender?  These thoughts were the main reason it took me so long to reach the conclusion on what I should in regards to transition.  I wanted to get out of loop, but I just could not seem to find the exit no matter how many times I would run my thoughts through my head.    

During the year 2010, I finally realized how conflicted I was about my gender when I began to have suicidal thoughts.  I once said that I wanted to suck the sin out of everything so that the world would be a more peaceful place when I died.  I could not take it anymore.  I had reached rock bottom, and there was no way out.  I did not realize how close I was to the light at the end of the tunnel. More time had to pass before I would realize the error of my ways.   

The Beginning of my Gender Adventure

Being insecure in one’s gender is a tough thing to handle.  Because gender itself is a spectrum, it can be difficult for an individual to know how he or she wants to identify him or herself.  There is no gauge as to what a person should do based on perceived categories of identification.  The main concern should be how one feels about him or herself.    

My feelings about gender sprouted out of nowhere back in the winter of 2001.  I only had an interest in wearing women’s clothes back then.  For some unknown reason, I had a strong desire to wear pantyhose.  I first got my hands on some clothes in the summer of 2002.  My father’s girlfriend at the time gave me a black top and gray skirt to try on as a joke.  Once I told her that I actually put on the outfit, she let me keep the clothes.  I also scored some dresses a little bit later on that year as well.  I only identified as a crossdresser at this point in time, but that was going to change a few months down the road. 

I was in my senior year in high school during March of 2003.  My feelings about my gender started to get worse for a reason that I could not explain.  I started to desire to actually be a girl instead of just dressing like one.  I looked at other girls in my classes with envy.  I even volunteered to read the lines to Lady MacBeth in English class.  I acted the same as always, so no one ever knew how I was feeling on inside.  The same thing occurred every week.  I would go to school, and then come home only to sleep in a dress.    

After high school ended, I went on to community college.  The desire to be a girl was still inside of me, but I somehow figured out how to deal with it.  In February of 2004, I came to the realization that I was a transsexual.  I started to develop a female voice around this time.  There were not a lot of free resources on the Internet.  I was lucky enough find a website that had a few techniques used to develop a female sounding voice as well as voice samples from other transwomen who seemed to have mastered the skill in a short time.  I was still wavering back and forth on whether to transition or not, and I eventually gave up finding my female voice.

My gender issues seemed to have plateaued between 2005 and 2006.  I did not feel bad all of the time.  I thought I would just try being genderless since I wouldn’t have been that different if I was born a gender congruent female anyway.  I was rather happy that I found some way to cope with my issues.  I did not realize that the peace of mind that I obtained during this time period was only the calm before the storm.      

Alignment with the Universe

Everyone experiences a rough patch in their lives from time to time.  Some people cave to all the pressure while others fight every little change that occurs.  The solution to handling difficult times in life is not to take on too much all at once.  The universe will have one’s back as long and he or she is authentic in his or her feelings and keeps pushing forward.

As I have stated many times before, I am losing my childhood home, and I am having a tough time trying to stabilize my life from a financial standpoint. I have realized that I can only do so much every day.  My spiritual awareness has grown quite a bit this year.  All of the big incidents that have taken place have led me to start writing everything down and sharing it with the world in hopes that my words might inspire others to take charge of their lives. 

I have been rather tired for the last three couple of days, and I have not been writing a whole lot during this time period.  My dreams reflected this behavior while I was sleeping.  I had dreams of an old music teacher, a step sister playing a violin, and my brother rewriting dialogue for old anime television shows.  These dreams were just my mind telling me that I am on the correct path, and that I should continue to develop my talent as a writer.

I have begun seeing the number 1 repeat itself quite frequently after I starting making blog posts regularly.  Repeating 1s as well as the number 11:11 usually indicate that a person is in alignment with the universe.  It seems obvious as to why I am going through such a difficult time right now.  I was not in the proper profession, and I was not using my talents to inspire others before everything came crashing down.  All of these obstacles in my life were trying to help me look inward so that I could find my talent and use it for the benefit of mankind. 

Now that I have started to align with the universe, all the other problems in my life do not seems so big.  I can rest easier knowing that as long as I give everything my best shot, the universe will help me achieve what I came to this earth to accomplish.  If I was trying to solve every single one of my problems all at once, then I would have missed the sign from the universe telling me to start writing.  I took things a little bit at a time, and now all of my hard work is starting to pay off.   

Anyone can do what I have done.  When one finds him or herself in a bind, all he or she has to do is take things one day at a time, and everything will turn out for the best.  A person needs to make time to work on him or herself when life puts up a brick wall.  This inner work will lead to new insights on what one should do in order to handle any situation that arises.  This will also put all of one’s problems in perspective, and they will no longer feel like mountains that are impossible to climb.   

Reformation of The Social Security Administration

The Social Security system is one of the worst federal programs of all time.  The requirement for receiving benefits needs to be changed to include disabilities of varying degrees.  Having a disability is not an issue that only resides within two extreme ends of a spectrum.  Different people have different needs depending how their disability impacts their lives. 

The way Social Security is set up as of right now is a complete disgrace.  The only people receiving benefits are those who would be considered impaired beyond the point of functioning well in society.  I feel bad for the individuals that are mentally challenged to the point where they cannot understand what is going on around them on a day to day basis.  This is truly a sad sight to behold.  These people definitely deserve the maximum benefits available without question.  The only real issue lies with those who are considered to be high functioning individuals.  The argument from Social Security as it stands now is that those that are high functioning do not need benefits because they can work.  This kind of thinking does not take into account the way in which those with disabilities are high functioning.    

I am a clear example of someone who is a functioning individual that could definitely use some assistance from Social Security.  I am not able to drive because I have Cerebral Palsy.  Social Security would argue that I could use public transportation in order to get around, but the administration seems to forget that public transportation does not go everywhere.  I work for a utility company that has offices in places where public transportation does not travel.  Using Uber or Lyft every day would not be the best option from a financial standpoint.  In other words, either I waste all of my monetary resources on rides to work to prove that transportation drains my finances or I quit my job and earn less than what I am receiving now. 

If someone has had a disability since birth or has been impaired in some way due to an accident for a longer period than what would be considered “short term” then he or she should automatically qualify to receive benefits in some form from Social Security.  All that should be required is a letter from a doctor explaining the details of the impairment.  The amount of income that is earned through employment should not play too much of a role in whether or not an individual should receive benefits.  If a person is going to be disabled for the remainder of his or her life, then there should not be a question of whether or not he or she is eligible to receive Social Security.  One size does not fit all when it comes to having a disability.  Once corporate America wakes up from its slumber, then everyone in society can evolve to a higher state of being. 

Overview of My Experience Being Transgender

Being transgender can be quite a difficult thing to overcome.  Everything depends on the severity of dysphoria that is experience by an individual.  Things can get rather confusing when a person decides to make permanent changes to his or her life. 

Many people will hold onto doubts as they go through the process known as transition.  No one really knows how far he or she wants to go until well into transition itself.  I did not know I was transgender until about the age of sixteen or so.  I was happy wearing women’s clothes for a little while before my feelings really started to develop.  I remember staring at other girls in high school wondering why I wished I could be like them.  I was only into clothes, so why did I feel the need to be seen as a female in school.  I eventually started developing a female voice.  I decided to give up on this path in the mid-2000s because I was not sure I wanted to go through transition.  I then thought I could identify as genderless and be fine.  That did not last. 

I eventually began to feel worse and worse towards the beginning of the 2010s.  I decided to do something about my pain in May of 2011.  I started to develop a female sounding voice once more.  I stuck with it this time around.  I started hormones at the end of March in 2014.  I then started dressing as female, and got all of my documents changed during 2015.  I have not had any regrets regarding my decision to transition.  I have become a better person because I am living more authentically than I ever had before. 

I wish to share with the world my experiences being a transgender individual.  I hope to shed light on the details regarding transition.  I also want to give information on what it is like to live as a transgender individual after all the major changes have taken place. My journey has been full of surprises, and I would like to share the knowledge I have acquired throughout all my travels. 

Old Relationships Die Hard

Difficult times after a spiritual awakening will test one’s relationship with other people.  It will definitely make you rethink the people that you spend time with.  These people are not necessarily bad as a whole; they just have an indirect negative influence on an individual’s life.

A person such as this exists in my life in the form of a mother in law.  I am speaking of mother in law in the extended sense of the word.  She has been helping me find housing and inviting me to holiday gatherings after my father passed away.  It is great that my mother in law is trying to help me out during this trying time in my life, but her practicality is based around the life that I had before the spiritual awakening occurred.  A person cannot really explain a spiritual awakening to anther that has not gone through one him or herself.  Since there is nothing physically different with person that experienced this type of rebirth, it would be rather pointless trying to show another what changes have taken place. 

My mother in law tends to bring up my old job a lot of the time and always asks me when I am going to return to work.  I then have to put on an act and think of something on the spot about what troubles I am dealing with and when I could possibly go back.  Everyone needs to pay bills regardless of who they are.  I need some stable income right now to prove to renters that I can pay them for providing shelter.  The only catch is that if I get rattled over just spending a few hours with someone trying to back pedal to my old life, what is working my old job twelve hours a day going to feel like?  I feel like I have to choose which way I am going to be practical.  I can either value financial gain over the needs of my soul, or I can nourish my soul while ignoring the needs of my body.  The dilemma is difficult because no one else but me understands it.

When I got home from visiting my mother in law after Thanksgiving, I felt a lot anxiety after the event was over.  I felt the same anxiety after seeing a room for rent last night.  One could say that I need to face reality, but that would not be accurate.  The reality of this whole situation is that I am vastly different than I was before the spiritual awakening happened.  Since no one else understands what this means for me, then those who try to help out will gather resources that spring me back into my old life.  The room I saw last night was very similar to the home I am in now except the steps leading to the second floor.  This is also the problem.  If I choose to live in a place similar to what I already have, then I will just attract the same things from my pre-awakened life.  This time period should be about breaking my old ways and allowing room for something new come forward. 

When my issues are broken down to their smallest components, is it easy to see why I am having a hard time.  I do not have any relationships that are functioning on the post-awakened level.  All of my relationships still operate on a lower octave.  Once I start to form relationships with new people and attract new things into my life, then I will feel a lot better.  The episodes of anxiety that I am facing will no longer exist.